For background, DS is 11 and has SEN and can be aggressive. Ignoring him is absolutely key. We do our best and we are trying to train DD who is 9 to be more "whatever" as well. DM has always been critical of me but I realise it's what she's like with everything. A friend who doesn't call back must hate her, etc. She and my DF divorced when I was 20, and she always compares me to the worst characteristics she perceives in him. I'm cold, rude etc etc according to her.
Other background info, the DCs are adopted and have lost two birth family members in the last year. We don't want to lose anyone else. She favours DD but DS has very few people he likes to spend time with outside the family and he's keen to see her (as is DD). I'm trying to push other friends/relatives to come and stay in small numbers (we only have one local friend who will spend time with him).
She's been to stay for a few days (went home on Sat). I've done my best to be calm with her and DS but lost my rag after I hadn't slept and everyone was running around madly chucking the supermarket delivery everywhere even though I had a plan. I apologised to everyone. We also had a nice evening at the theatre.
Two other things that come to mind: the DCs were supposed to be getting ready for school in separate rooms, but instead were both messing about. DS started pushing DD etc and we told her to go out of the room and we'd deal with it (probably by standing in the same room and not talking to him). She refused and we told her again. My DM started ranting about how we shouldn't be telling her off, we should be talking to him. We both said in unison DON'T TALK TO HIM.
Second one was DD and DM and I were going out but DS has been getting a lot of attention from DH and DD by getting in the car and climbing on them when he's not actually going out but they are trying to get away on time. My strategy is get DD in the car and lock the door, DM wasn't ready so I waited in the car, but she came out and couldn't get in but then DS climbed on the bonnet and she started going on about how she couldn't get in and why had I locked it and what was I doing (trying to keep everyone safe).
Eventually she got in the car and told me the way I speak to people is disgusting and also the programme I was listening to was idiotic. This is just standard and I get this almost every time I see her. Every time I speak to her I'm shouting or rude etc, and whatever we choose to do is not to her taste (e.g. she won't come and see films the DCs like because they aren't what she wants to see, I mean, I don't want to see Trolls 3 either but surely you do that to spend time with the DGCs?). I try and grit my teeth but it's just so wearing and all my deep breathing is worn out with DS anyway. DH finds her really hard work though he's the golden son in law!
She's already stormed out of our house more than once because of how horrible I am apparently to her.
I feel like we have so few relatives (small family, nobody really wants to spend time with DS and he finds crowds hard) but I'm clearly struggling to be polite to her. I'm not quite sure of my question - anyone got any ideas?
Ironically we got on better in lockdown because we could do short video calls but she lives too far for an afternoon or coffee or lunch, or taking DD out after school etc.