Red flag?

[contrarywise]

Wondering if a new partner disclosing that his recent ex had been having therapy for codependency issues should raise a red flag? Not sure of the details and wouldn’t delve as her issues none of my business - but it was taking place during their relationship…

Too little info to judge really

Potentially.

Often we become codependent as a result of an abusive relationship (but this could also be an ex or their childhood upbringing tbf).

Might be an example of a 'tell'.
Eg: when an abusive person says 'my ex says I'm a narcissist' or 'all my exs are crazy' or 'I used to cheat all the time but I've changed'.

Things we brush off early on but shouldn't. Because they are warnings as to who they really are.

Just keep watch for other red flags.

Thinking on it it could even be a prelude to 'my ex is crazy'. Or 'my ex is obsessed with me'. So that he can continue to see her behind your back and if she finds out about you, and tries to tell you, he can accuse her of being a stage ten clinger ('remember I told you she has had therapy for codependency') who 'can't get over me and so is just trying to split up up'.

Hopefully it's not that! Hopefully it was just a passing comment. But just be aware that narcissistic triangulation (playing off two women such as the current partner with the 'crazy' ex) is common from abusive men.

How did the topic come up?

if you were discussing therapy, then I think mentioning whatever experience you have of it is ok (although I’d still raise an eyebrow at the specific ‘co-dependency’ diagnosis tbh)

If he volunteered this apropos of nothing- nope! (Per pp, that sounds too much like a ‘my ex was crazy’ pre cursor)

I appreciate you didn’t delve but I’d listen
out for whether she was the needed or the needee in this co-dependant afflicted relationship?
(I’d presume she was the needeee, and he’s setting you up not to have any expectations of him… but I could be being unfair 😂)

Not great that he’s divulged something thats
likely to be deeply personal and private. Would put me off telling him anything tbh.

It’s actually a very recent ex (long term). In the aftermath of the break up, I’m trying to process what happened and I’m going over and over in my mind if I should have picked up earlier signs.
The comment mentioned in my opening post came into my mind earlier today - and I accept it is random to ask about it without any context - it did come alongside discussions of crazy ex - who he also held responsible for quite a big, unrelated decision he had made, and at the time I was not sure why he couldn’t take responsibility for that decision himself rather than blaming her. That was a gigantic red flag which I somehow managed to ignore…
it has taken me a very long time to extricate myself from the relationship to minimise anger towards me - I feel like I need to do a lot of reflecting and working out what happened and why I allowed it to happen.
Why I went along with walking on eggshells, the silent treatment when I said the wrong thing - feeling like ever having a bad day and not being suitably congenial would be taken personally
obviously there were lots of good times too but I ended up feeling unbelievably drained by the relationship - like I was not meeting expectations, like I was failing - like I was being looked at and my mood assessed every time we met - and what significance would be placed on my expression or a passing comment…
there is another thread running atm - where one poster is quite insistent that you should focus on understanding your reaction to a partners behaviour rather than their behaviour. But I think I had my head stuck in the sand for a long time partly because I was besotted and terrified of losing him for a long time. Trying to look back and recognise things I should have acted on so I don’t do it again
im hardly thinking of throwing myself into a new relationship but I am scared I will do the same again - go all in emotionally only to have to carefully extract myself when I eventually recognise & accept that the dynamics are not that healthy. I’m mid forties so really don’t want to waste time & energy doing the same again
I think I should think about some counselling focusing on relationships - I also have a failed marriage behind me 10 yrs ago and don’t think I really processed that dynamic properly either.
sorry this is waffle. Lots of thinking time over past few days and my head’s a bit of a mess
Any tips on best ways to process, learn and develop better boundaries and awareness welcome…