MIL and boundaries

[charlaw]

Hi all, just after some opinions please of how often you see your MIL?
I gave birth to my son 10 weeks ago and my MIL visits our house on average twice a week, once in the week and once at the weekend, often for the entire day. She is nice but I am often on edgy around her as I find her intense and controlling.
I find it uncomfortable to host her for an entire day in the week when my husband did not there, but feel I’m being unreasonable to say this to my husband as I realise she wants to see her grandchild. I don’t begrudge this or her to bond with him, but find it difficult that she wants to hold the baby 24/7 when she is here. I realise this is probably mean of me, but I’m not sure how I can address this and learn some boundaries with her. Me and my husband have been together for 15 years, and I fear my passive nature is too engrained now. I realise this makes me sound like a sad case.
For context we have been renovating our house from scratch for the past 2 years and my MIL has helped us a lot. I feel that I need to say yes to everything contact related as she has helped us so much. I’m concerned that I’m being ungrateful and mean about this.
She has also offered to have my son for some days a week when I go back to work to help with nursery cost, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with this. Am I being rotten? I don’t like the idea of relying on anyone for childcare. I’ve mentioned to my husband that I would rather our son go to nursery than be with her and he was ok with it.
For context my family live overseas, so she is all we have for family support in the UK. Things are also a bit tense at the moment as prior to my son’s birth, she told us not to vaccinate and scared the shit out of me with horror stories. I have decided to disregard what she says on this topic but it makes me anxious to even think of it. I haven’t received an apology for how she frightened me when I was heavily pregnant and I just can’t get past it. Any advice please? Thank you.
I realise on re reading the above that I come across as a wet flannel, i find it hard to articulate but I think as I’m quite easygoing and she’s not I don’t sweat the small stuff and end up going with what she says. Thanks for reading.

If all she wants to do is hold the baby she's hardly helping, is she?

Does she cone over unannounced? Maybe just develop alternative "plans" and leave the house if you don't want to confront her.

You're going to have to start using your voice and addressing it directly

She will do odd chores and stuff which is fine, I wouldn’t expect her to come round and not want to fuss the baby.

she won’t come round unannounced but will say things like ‘I’ll come round on Tuesday if that’s ok?’ I think I just need to find my voice and stop being a pushover. It’s difficult to know how to do this though without feeling guilty

I wouldn't enlist her help for childcare.

Sounds really suffocating.

I couldn't bear it. It's too much.

First off know that intense and controlling people are not nice and nor do they mean well. Your mil wants her own way all
the time but you are the parent and your child is relying on your good judgement.

Start using the word no and mean it.

Do not use this lady for childcare because she is not a safe enough person emotionally to be around. Stand your ground here and fgs find your voice now re you and your child. Keep her and her associated batshittery well away from you and your family unit, you will thank yourself for doing so. Read toxic inkaws by Susan Forward

If she is too difficult for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your child too.

Do not accept any more funds from het, people like this use money to further control and or make their target feel more obligated.

Such people do not apologise nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions. I presume your Hs own relationship with her is quite fraught and or otherwise mired in fear obligation and guilt, three buttons she put into him. He is likely afraid of her too.