A crappy Christmas

[BlueBlueBlueChtistmas]

I'm not having a very good Christmas. I am currently sat upstairs by myself crying my eyes out dreading Christmas Day tomorrow.

I had an argument my partner. It was silly really. I didn't mind him going down the pub today but he spent all afternoon there, leaving me at home with our 1 year old child. I feel like I am alone all the time at moment. He goes to the pub every day. Every. Single. Day. And I just thought that for once, for our child's first Christmas, he might actually want to spend time with us rather than getting pissed. I wasn't even angry with him, just a bit upset and because I told him I was upset he has completely blown up at me and told me I have ruined Christmas. He shouted at me, called me names, told me he wants to split up. I am so upset I can't bloody think straight.

We have had problems in the past. From my point of view it stems from his drinking and from his point of view, it's because I bottle up my feelings rather than talk about them. We have had a very good long patch where things have been good- we had our baby together and we have been happy. But it's when his drinking increases and he becomes completely irrational and doesn't listen to what I am trying to say to him and blows up completely. I hate it, it really upsets me.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so sad.

There’s really no point trying to argue with a drunk person. Is he likely to apologise in the morning ?

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it.

Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I'm just so upset that it is my little boys first Christmas and his dad just wants to get pissed and tell me how crap he thinks I am.

Your right. Arguing with a drunk person is no good. I will hide away up here on my own.

This is probably not what you want to hear
But I think it’s time you evaluate the relationship not just between you and him, but him and your child.
my father spent every day in the pub. Every single day. Money just wasted. Even Christmas Day he’d fuck off to the pub.
I grew into a teenager that resented it and fucked off. I blamed my mother too, for allowing us to grow up like this.

if having a child won’t make him grow up and change his ways, I genuinely don’t think much will now.

Do you have family OP who can support you?
If so, pack a bag now and go with your little one.
Your DP does not deserve you. X

Can he explain how you're supposed to talk about your feelings when the moment you express them he verbally attacks you? It's not you that's the problem here.

Since your child was born, how long has he been going ' every single day' ?
You probably hoped that becoming a parent would bring him a sense of responsibility and maturity. I thought that - the hopes of youth. Doesn't always happen and my DC's father is now dead through alcohol - against all hopes, it progressively got worse after DC.
I kicked him out when DC was 3, best thing I could of done and was the right move, at least my DC is lovely and thoughtful and makes me proud, we have a special bond. But even he didn't leave me on my own at xmas ( no need if can drink at home). So it's not just about the booze, it's about being down the pub away - does that make it worse? Maybe, only you know.
Tbh, just agree to his split suggestion, it's the best you can do. He might not expect you to agree, or he might not care and go with it - you will then know there's nothing to fight for.

It doesn’t help much but your little one will be none the wiser today and tomorrow. You need to reevaluate if you want this for you. Big changes are needed to make this relationship work, but would he be willing to to change?

"because I told him I was upset he has completely blown up at me and told me I have ruined Christmas. He shouted at me, called me names, told me he wants to split up."

This is called DARVO lovely. You've called him out calmly by telling him his actions upset you, so rather than have an adult conversation about taking responsibility for his selfish actions he blew up at you, and reversed his position from offender to victim.

So you now feel bad about ruining Christmas, and will be drawn into the void of begging him not to split up with you, and apologising for making him angry.

You did nothing wrong, don't apologise and don't accept any responsibility for his pig selfish behaviour.

Is there anyone near you can spend the day with tomorrow?

You know his behaviour is unacceptable. He is gaslighting you by saying that you are remotely the problem. He has an alcohol problem, he is abusive towards you. He is not a present father or husband. This is not a healthy environment for you or your child and you both deserve better.

Deep down he knows he has a problem. He has said it to me a few times and says he feels guilty for going down the pub when he knows he should be spending time with our son. When he is around him he is a really great dad. We go through periods where he controls his drinking and things are good but it is noticeable that when his drinking increases, he can't manage his anger and he can be nasty.

You're upset partly because you know he won't change (currently). Give serious thought as to whether you want to raise a child in that environment

I'm wondering what was left to "ruin"??

I do have somewhere I could go but I couldn't bring myself to take my boy away from his home in the middle of the night or on Christmas Day.

I think I need to suck it up for tomorrow (we are hosting the in-laws) and work out what the hell to do after. I think I need to calm down and think with my head on straight rather than making rash a decision when I'm hurt and upset.

At the moment he doesn't sound like he's really looking to change.

You can not help a man who will not help himself.

You need to leave.

So sorry my love - he is not a keeper. You and your baby deserve better. Get through Christmas and then make your plans. You won’t look back.

Don’t gloss over things tomorrow for the sake of the in laws- don’t moan about their son but do be factual if they ask what you did for example on Xmas eve. Limp through Christmas, DC is too young to understand anything and then really pick your relationship apart in your own mind and compare it to what you deserve and want- then get papers in place etc, see a solicitor and split up

Your son won't even know its Christmas. I'd absolutely take him and leave "D"P to host his parents and explain why their grandchild isn't there!

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. It means a lot right now. Xxx

Oh god, ditch. Imagine how much lighter you will feel when you don't have to keep wondering if it's you or him - it's him - or try to feel okay about the crappy way he is treating you. "he's a good dad when he's not getting pissed" - or being nasty to you, because being a shit to your kid's mother is not being a good dad - isn't what you dreamed of one day saying about your child's father, I'm sure? I'm so sorry OP. HE has ruined Christmas. You will never really be able to relax with this man because you will never be in control of whether he chooses to drink and dump his issues on you.

I was married to a drinker and I don't think your partner will change. He missed so much of our children growing up. Christmas was always spoiled because he was always late back from the pub. He was never an angry drunk but I still wished I had left him when the children were small. You deserve someone who puts you and your child before the pub.

Had a terrible night sleep. He is awake and downstairs. I am dreading going down.

I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas xx

How did today go OP? 💐