OLD - knowing what you want?

[Curriedpeanuts]

The situation is about online dating. Women in their late 40's to mid 50's.

I know I am definitely looking for someone to share a life with, as in to settle down, live together and make a life together. Obviously it takes time to reach that point, but that's the point I would want to reach. I don't have lots of time to spend years and then find out the person is not ready for the same. I have already lost many years doing that.

Do you think most people know what they want when dating someone new? Not to know whether the person is the right person, obviously, but to know what they want if that person does turn out to be the right person?

Or do you think most people just decide as they go along based on who they meet, and not think so far ahead?

Its possible I might be a bit black and white on wanting a certain outcome, so open to people's thoughts.

I think it varies on how much thought people put into it. People I have met seem to go with the flow and see what happens.

I’m mid 50’s and I would say I know more what I don’t want than exactly what I do want.

Ive got a rough idea what I’m looking for but so far it’s priced like finding a needle in a haystack. I’ve come off OLD for now but I found there’s a lot of men who say they’re looking for something long term because they think that’s what women want to hear.

Tbh I think what I want, depends on the person I meet. I think women get away with saying that easier than men do though lol.

For me, there's space in my life for a partner and I'd welcome that. But that doesn't mean if I meet someone and fancy them, that thats what I'd want from them. Because you might not be compatible for example...but he might be really hot xD so I'd possibly be up for a rumble in the jungle. I just won't be...taking him to breakfast in the morning lol.

And I think even moreso with guys in that they are roften reluctant to turn down anything. So they act like they want something more substantial than what they really have to offer.

So you really have to take the time to work out, based on their actions, what people really want.

It's been my experience that men aren't fussy...but they also aren't honest. Where as women are direct, but what they want is rather changeable.

I have a reasonable idea of what I think I want, but potentially willing to be flexible. Exactly what feels right would depend on who I'm seeing, how I feel about them and how aligned our ideas were.

I'm not going to be too rigid because dating is more complicated than buying a washing machine or laptop or whatever. I have to think about the things I really like about someone and how important the differences are to me

Yea, 50's and come off OLD, because I know what I want and I know I won't find it on there. It's full of men with 'issues' from their lives. The older you get the more mental baggage they have.
Ita OK for short flings, but for anything serious, probably better to join social groups and meetups or hobby stuff.

I have a list of would likes. But that's only happened because of dating.
You can't predict what will happen with any new person that you meet. But if you have a list and boundaries, then that potentially shuts out some of the dire dates you could have.

I'm a woman meeting women, have met someone I like and am on a level with and find attractive, and vice versa. She is saying "she only came out of a very long term relationship a few years ago so isn't in any rush, it's a time to enjoy life now kids are grown, something would have to be very right on all levels, she doesn't want to risk settling for less than right again, and that it's something that would take time."

That's all fair enough for her, but it's giving me 'nowhere near ready to commit' vibes.

Whereas I'm very ready to commit if I meet the right person.

Would her comments give other people 'nowhere near ready to commit' vibes?

A friend says it sounds fair enough as she doesn't know me yet, and if we fell in love all would probably be well. But I've seen firsthand that people can fall in love and still not be ready so I'm loathe to waste more years assuming it will happen one day, like I have before. And to me it sounds like she is saying she isn't ready to settle down.

I know I'm sensitive on this due to past experience so don't want to be jumping to wrong conclusions.

“That's all fair enough for her, but it's giving me 'nowhere near ready to commit' vibes. Whereas I'm very ready to commit if I meet the right person.

Would her comments give other people 'nowhere near ready to commit' vibes?”

Yes.

"I don't have lots of time to spend years and then find out the person is not ready for the same"

Sounds like you're not ready to commit - to HER. Ergo, she's not The One for you.

Yes, you have read that correctly, she wants company not commitment

About me not committing to her - that's a fair comment and there is a difference between truly committing to a person whatever the outcome, and in wanting a certain outcome.

And it is an early stage so I'm not yet unconditionally committed to her.

I just know that I have lived alone a long time and done the 'dating but not living together' thing for many years because that's what the other person wanted, and I want more than that for my future.

Thank you