Please help me pull myself together... long

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

Yesterday afternoon I asked DH a question but there was no response and I thought he may not have heard, so I repeated it just slightly more loudly as I was possibly slightly out of ear shot. He bit my head off. I explained I had re-asked because I didn't think he'd heard, not because I didn't believe his initial reply. He's always doing this (he often disappears behind a door or something and I often don't hear his replies properly). As I am so sick of his aggressiveness over this, I asked him to give me the benefit of the doubt and put it down to me being deaf not personal to him and he shouted 'what's your problem are you trying to pick a fight'.

Later on, I asked DH if he wouldn't mind boiling the kettle for me (he was standing next to it and I was in the next room). No response and then he went off and came back with the kettle saying 'well that was a subtle reminder to go and bring the kettle back'. Now DH (as indeed my toxic mother) has a long history of telling me that when I say something, I actually mean something else. We have thrashed through this many a time. After an hour or so it was still bugging me that he thought that I had asked the question to get him to bring the kettle back to the kitchen but I couldn't quite believe that I did, so I asked him if he really had thought that or if I'd got the wrong end of the stick. His response was 'well did you?', so I said no. I told him that him thinking that had upset me and he sarcastically said 'anything else? Are you going to mention it yet again tonight?' ().

I went off to calm down as I was seething as he's verbally so aggressive and rude and reappeared later to try and explain that I should be able to say that something had upset me and that if I had got the wrong end of the stick over something, then he should simply just tell me that rather than add fuel to the fire. Apparently I had ruined the evening, am always getting upset with him and crying (simply not true - we have a row like this 4-6 times a year I would say) and using my emotions to get my own way and he always has to rescue me whever the f**k that means. All this time he had a sneer on his face and was talking over the top of me.

I had a terrible night last night as these things always distress me (years of my mother) and am feeling like poo this morning. Now because I'm feeling weepy and flat, I should be doing my own thing today until I feel better (he doesn't tolerate anything other than a 'normal mood' and gets his fight picking hat on and to be honest it just makes things worse. I should also say I am 23 weeks PG and we have a 15mo.

Now, I know that I was not unreasonable in either of the events that somehow riled him but I need help to pull myself together so that I / we can have some sort of resemblance of a day .

Oh I'm so sorry this is going on

He does sound like he's trying to pick faults with you, and the first thing that springs to mind is that possibly he is hiding something.

Sorry to say that. I might well be wrong, but when men feel guilty or bad they often try and turn it round so it's their partner's fault somehow.

Hope you can manage to find some peace today anyway xx

hi
what you described sounds very familiar to me. My dh goes thru fazes of picking fights over the tiniest things e.g. he says something and you don't respond immediately or he doesn't hear then he gets annoyed, wtf?????
Anyway, I had enough and now when he starts being like that I just walk away from it, there is no point in arguing in my experience becuase it just upsets you and you end up mulling it over for hours while he's long forgotten it.
In the case of my dh he doesn't actually mean what he says, it's usually a side effect of him being in a bad mood for some reason, e.g. being tired or having head ache etc...
I usually say, have you got a whatever ache etc... and then say, well you'd better go and sort it out.
Bottom line is, I don't accept it. It is not your fault if he is in a bad mood, so you should not have to have your day spoiled over it.
If I was you, i'd go out for a bit, shopping or something nice with ds, when you get back I expect he will have got over it.
Sorry for long winded post, hope that helped a bit and made sense

ohhhh flight, thank goodness you put it better than i did!!!

"he doesn't tolerate anything other than a 'normal mood'"

He sounds like a childish bully, tbh.

I wonder if you could maybe approach your GP about some counselling, as you may benefit from discussing the issues with your mother with someone impartial.

If your husband knows all about your relationship with your mother, he is being very cruel in dealing with you in a similar way.

I think you need some assistance in seeing your self-worth, without having to rely on a man who clearly seems to revel in your emotional distress.

You are the mother of his children.

He should be supporting you and showing you kindness and love.

He sounds like an aggressive bully - who also does a good line in passive aggression too.

Could you take your 15mo out for the day.

Have some time apart, and show him that his mood does not influence yours.

Perhaps Relate might also be a good idea, but I think it is important that you concentrate on you at this time.

You need to work on being strong and confident for your children. You sound lovely, and I am sorry your husband is making you sad.

Thanks guys - I usually do ignore but as these are repeated themes that are driving me mad, I thought that I would not take it lying down this time as I actually need it to stop. He says whatever he wants whenever he wants to, while I'm trotting about on egg shells and I don't want another 50 years of this.

The trouble is, despite our 'chat' last night, he will still persist in getting arsy if I repeat a question thinking that he didn't hear me - fgs what is a reasonable length of time to leave it before asking again?? Sometimes he hasn't heard me and sometimes he's just taking his time answering....how the f**k am I to know which one it is? To be anal, I reckon I leave a good 10 secs. Is that too short??

I don't think the problem is how long you leave it until you ask again.
It is that your DH is not showing you any respect, and seems to be using your questioning as an excuse to have a go at you.

Thanks BS - I did go and see someone and chat and they suggested that I speak to DH and explain about my mum etc and ask him to work with me (and suggested things he and I could both do to facilitate things) - he refuses to do any of these things which isn't very helpful.

I am sitting here with tears down my face because I am just so frustrated - it's like being a child and a bigger kid taunting you and there's nothing you can do.

Then how can I fix that particular thing?

Darling you can't. You can't fix it and he won't stop it.

All you - any of us - can ever do, is protect ourselves and our children. In some cases that means walking away, quite literally, from whomever is inflicting pain.

This is a crappy time for him to be nasty, you are pregnant and vulnerable, he is being a sod.

Please understand that there is nothing you can alter that will stop him being like this. The problem lies in HIM.

He is using you to blame, because he knows you will try and help matters, blame yourself etc like we all would - making you feel rotten so he feels better. Its manipulative, like the old foot in the door used by salesmen - designed to make you feel you're being rude or unreasonable, when really you're not.

He needs to get a grip or he will lose you. You need, very much, to get angry - key into your anger. How dare he treat you like this.

He is being awful.

Btw I've been there - loads of us have - some are still with those partners and some of us have left them.

I could not stand walking on eggshells. It was destroying me. I couldn't bear to see my child learning to do the same.

I hope you can see he's being abusive. We are all on your side here xx

i agree with everyone else, it is his problem not yours.
you need to stand up for yourself and show him it is him who is being unreasonable e.g. if he starts to have a go at you becuase you asked a question twice or some other tiny thing, then tell him. Say, I don't like the way you are speaking to me, I was only asking a question.
Do not accept this behaviour, my dh got a lot better when I stopped accepting it. TBH i don't think he realised how much he was doing it.
You need some self respect. By refusing to accept it, you are passing the problem back to him.
If he says, that he's not being rude etc.. then say, well that's the way it's coming across.
Like flight says, you need to look out for yourself, you don't deserve this type of treatment.

You are being so kind and lovely - thank you so much. I wasn't expecting your kindness to set me off in to tears again but it has!

I agree with you and I say things like:
....When you calm down and talk to me properly, I will listen....please don't talk to me like that.....my repeating the question (etc) was not unreasonable but your response was inappropriate....that I should be able to tell you (and indeed will continue to do so as I would expect you to) if you have done or said something that I have found upsetting....

but he turns everything round to it's my fault, there's never any resolution and I can go so far before the red mist descends and I have to leave the room as I refuse to enter a shouting match. I wouldn't mind if he then tried not to do the offending whatever it is but it falls on deaf ears. I have explained that it doesn't matter if he deems it resonable for me to be upset or not, if I am then he needs to react appropriately for the issue in hand.

I repeat, I AM NOT one of those teary frilly emotional blackmail kind of gals. I am an intelligent, gentle but strong person who hates confrontation and it takes me ages to bring anything up usually, as I dread the inevitable fight. I ignore stuff that really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. It took me a week to mention in the absolute nicest possible way I could imgine, using pet names and jokes etc to tell him that I'd noticed he'd been leaving the bottle warmer on after he'd used it. That I thought was worth mentioning as it's potentially dangerous... No response. Had he heard me I wondered. I just left it.

Anyway I'm sorry - I mustn't just list things.

Seriously, how do you all justify to yourselves that it's the other one's issue and that you will ignore it / let them have the last say etc. Isn't that like accepting that they're right (from they're point of view I mean) and hence nothing has been gained?

no it's not, becuase by trying to have the last word you are operating on his level and getting drawn into it.
I try hard to just say "I don't like the way you are speaking to me" and just walk away, or similar.
if he has an issue or something is bugging him, he will be deliberately trying to get a reaction from you.
I know it is so hard to just walk away but you have to. Does he apologise for it later?
my dh was like that the other day then later admitted he was feeling unwell and was sorry. i didn't let him get off that lightly. i said, you realise what you said to me and that it's not true.....
Apologising is the first step for him, but it does not cancel it out. It's very easy to say sorry and not really mean it.....
Is this making any sense?
Now when he starts I question him, are you feeling ill? which he doesn't like!!!

He feels that I'm then asking him to traipse after me and apologise (which I'm not) and I said AGAIN last night that if I leave the room, I really don't want him to come after me. Why would I?? He sdays it's always his job to apologise (which it is if he's done the upsetting). If he pulls me up on something I usually blurt sorry straight away as I genuinely am and it never turns in to an issue like it does the other way round.

He responds oddly to things....

a) I was trying to listen to answer phone message and he started singing to DD so I couldn't hear. When he stopped, I said 'I just need to listen to this message' and redialed. He started being loud again. I said 'I was trying to listen to that message!'. His response - 'well I was playing with DD' in a challenging and sarcastic way.

b) we have a lie in each at the weekend. He always wakes me by being loud with something. One day he put the dryer and washing machine on an hour at 8am (we get up at 9 on lie ins) and they were clattering away. I got up, he asked if he'd woken me and I said that it was ok but it was the machines. His response was 'well it has to be done'. I'm sure anyone else would have said oops sorry I didn't think. Or is that just me?

He's extremely passive aggressive. I would no longer be with him - I have had too many boyfriends like this, well, two shall we say. I left each within a matter of months.

It made my blood run cold to read your description of confronting him about the bottle warmer.

All it is is he cannot bear to relinquish control.

I bet his mother was bossy. Am I right?

You're being trampled. Is it at all possible you could consider just leaving?

Men like this love their mums but resent them for being controlling or bossy.

They choose someone sensible and assertive and then launch into an at first subtle attempt to wear them down - someone as much like their mum as possible, but also someone they think they can 'beat into submission' ie win the battle that they have lost against their own mum since they were children.

Does that sound familiar?

He prob doesn't even realise he is doing it! But very very entrenched and hard to stop such behaviour, which is why I'd advocate getting away.

He would need a LOT of therapy.

Good job he's not married to me. He'd be wearing the bloody bottle warmer

I think it was his dad (who he disowned as alcoholic and he's been dead for 10 years). His mum is a sweet old lady who he makes cry by having a go at her every time she visits about something or other. we see her about twice a year as she's in the states and we're in the US. She's coming again for easter and I'm assuming he will lose it over something. I will step in more than I have in the past this time (if there is one) as he MUST learn how to talk to people when he's upset and not turn it in to a personal attack. He's right in what he says to her but he pushes and pushes and rants and gets louder until she cries which he then scoffs at. She just takes it and apologises later for the original thing that upset him.

You are all absolutely right about the control thing though. BUT I am wondering if I'm just as bad as I too find it hard to let go of the original issue until he has admitted he was wrong about it / promises to handle it differently in the future. This is why I'm still feeling crap now - 24 hrs later - nothing was solved. He's being 'normal' with me but he accepts that I am not in the mood to be sociable with him at the moment.

This is what my ex was like to his poor mum. No respect. He mocked her and pretended he loved her really but there was masses of anger there, it was scary to think he was seeing me as an extension of her.

By treating him like a kid you are really playing into his hands...'he must learn' is not the phrase an adult would use about their adult partner, if both were behaving as grown ups.

You are really in deep here my dear!

He is rolling in the mud as he has two women he can make cry and run around after him. He sounds like a naughty toddler.

I would have put up with this for approximately 3 days I think.

There are grown up, nice men out there who do NOT mkake their mothers cry.

Please stop pandering to this idiot...sorry, it makes me furious to see men treating women like this and expecting to be treated like babies. Angry with him, not you.

(Frustrated with you...yes!!!!)

This makes very interesting reading, my dh can e just like the OP's and it winds me up soo much, gets me in a bad mood and ruins the whole day, but its never his fault , only mine apparently.

I never seem to know what's best, walk away without fighting my corner, or argue it out and end up upset..perhaps this is his ultimate aim to uset me...god is marriage supposed to be this bloody hard..

he talks to my parents like crao also, and I can never let this go, so always end in an argument