Hand hold (and lots of truth) - as I leave my cheating and toxic husband

[AliceinWonderland2012]

Ladies I'm going to need your help with this!

Caught my husband cheating and now he's making life as difficult as possible for me to leave. Constant text messages about how we can work it out.

The more I look back over our marriage, the more the red flags are obvious, and his behaviour since I found out only confirms that I need to leave.

In real life, everyone thinks I should give him another chance. I need to post her along the way so I have a reminder of every dickhead thing he does, and to stop me from going back to him for a simpler (in the short term) life.

I also need you lovely ladies to keep me in line. I cannot stay in this marriage and this is my big chance to get out, while it's his "fault".

Merry Christmas everyone, let's hope for a better 2024, at least in my corner of the world.

I'm really sorry your going through this op. Giving you a virtual hug and a hand hold.
.you need to do what's best for you and to keep your sanity. Leave your husband to do what he wants.

I would also recommend blocking his number so he doesn't message/contact you again.

What a sad time your going through my lovely. I do hope you fins happiness when the time is right.

Merry Xmas hun xx

Sorry you are going thru this, suspect the OW doesn't want him and he is maybe panicking. How would you like Christmas 2024 to look? Work towards that. I personally could not get past cheating.

Unfortunately I cannot block him as we have three children together. Currently doing 50/50 custody.

Also the affair was apparently over when I confronted him about it. She said she would leave her husband for him, and I suspect he panicked.

We live abroad and the in laws are here for Christmas, just to make this shit show even more awkward.

He keeps using the kids to try to get me to stay and play happy families - which just makes me feel more and more uncomfortable.

You have made your decision. There are lots of good wise women here who will help you through this. His actions have consequences and your decision to end the marriage is a consequence.

I'm putting a supportive hand on your shoulder OP. You're doing what is best for you, that's the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry he's betrayed you OP. I found out my husband was cheating earlier this year and made him leave, but it was the most difficult and painful decision of my life. I don't regret my decision though; he did try to get me to let him come back, but denied the cheating, which was just a dirty lie. He hasn't even given me a fake apology, never mind anything resembling a genuine one, and he continues to tell lies, even about trivial things, so I know for certain I did the right thing and as time passes, it gets easier and I'm healing.
The sad fact is, that taking back a cheat, even if they seem full of remorse and beg, very rarely works out well. They generally have serious character flaws that mean they tend to see it as "getting away with it" rather than being grateful for being forgiven and pardoned. Once the trust has been shattered by cheating, it almost takes a miracle to restore it, and most of the time, it just can't be. It's like shattered glass!
Sending love and a hand hold to you OP, and yes, please God 2024 will be a better year, for you, me and all of us who have been betrayed by cheating! God bless!

@AliceinWonderland2012 not sure what you mean?? you are doing 50/50 custody so that implies he is out the house? yes?? if so, why the hell are your in laws at yours for christmas???? tell them! it will be easier face to face that you have caught him cheating. that is probably one of the things he would never want to tell his parents. tell them that you are seeking to leave him!! I hope you arent cooking for them all for christmas???

Ugh, what a slimeball. Not only cheating but stringing someone else along but bailing when they wanted him to come good on his promises. Tell the wretched inlaws all about their darling boy and his behaviour (after the kids have gone to bed) and let them know you're not staying to play happy families. If he's so keen on staying married to you he should have thought of the consequences before shagging someone else!

Think I'd be telling the inlaws that I was leaving their son so they needed to see about leaving as soon as reasonably possible. Unless they want to stay to help him move out. Understandable that they have to stay for a few more days now, flight wise. But don't keep them longer than necessary.

And if you get any shit from them or him about staying together for the kids ect... 'well you should have thought of that before you had an affair shouldn't you? It's not on me. Its on you'.

Don't be drawn into an argument. Just 'He cheated. I'm done'.

As for messaging...don't reply to him about anything that isn't regarding specific things like child contact or the divorce. If he goes on a ramble about why you have to take him back or anything you don't want...just don't reply.

Unfortunately I was the one who ended up having to leave. He completely refused. I just could not stay in the house another minute. He was all over the place, threatening suicide and crying in front of the kids and pulling sad faces every 5 minutes.

So I have the kids during the day, and he deals with overnights.

Don't want to say too much but I'm living abroad so pretty vulnerable regardless of next moves. If I stay here then he has control, but if I take the kids home, I can't enforce any maintenance etc.

The kids and I want to stay here, so we're trying to make it work. It's early days, but when he just deals with the kids it works pretty well. Plus I live literally across the road, so the kids just wander back and forth.

The in-laws are in the house with him and the kids. They know about the affair as I have already told them. Thankfully they haven't been stupid enough to suggest I stay with him.

Just got back to my home after Christmas Eve and I'm exhausted. I had the kids most of the day, and then he got arsey when I left after bedtime.

I cannot be any bloody clearer than "it's over" but I'm still getting all the guilt trips and the shock that I won't give him another chance.

The affair; and his reaction to it afterwards, really opened my eyes to the manipulation, control and gas lighting that he's been ramping up year after year since I had the kids.

I cannot go back, even if it seems like the easier option, because leaving a second time will be much harder when it's not on the back of the affair.

Always amazes me how textbook and utterly brazen these sorts are. Cheating and having the gaul to act like the injured party!

Threatening suicide? Would be all I could do not to say 'I think bnq are having a two for one special on rope. Have at it, dickhead'.

Good on you for leaving. Bet he expected you to hang around when he said he wasn't going anywhere and acted 'suicidal'. You said 'not today Satan!'.

Defunately don't go back. You're free now! Make sure he never gets keys to your new place. Don't bother joining his family/cooking for Christmas or anything like that. It would give him the idea that you may be open to going back as your boundaries are flexible because you're scared to put other people out.

It'll get easier once all the festivities are out of the way though. No reason to see him in person anymore if the kids are old enough to go back and fourth on their own tbh.

Sorry you're going through all this
In terms of dealing with the messages, if you can get a second (PAYG) cheap phone, give him that number and block him on your regular phone. That way you can ignore the phone when the kids are with you, and when they're not, only check it on your terms, rather than feeling like he's constantly interrupting you.

He’s working to a script. Sob, try getting kids on side ( sad face), threaten suicide, it’s your fault I just want us to get back together —- it’s very, very common.
You can’t block him but you can send him the same message on repeat “ we communicate only regarding the children. Please stick to this” or similar.
If you think your future lies in your home country (UK?) think about returning. Even if you can’t enforce maintenance it’s worth doing a pros and cons sheet to see what would work.
One step at a time but stick to your guns. If anyone tries to persuade you to give him another chance your response can be you’ve made your decision based on his infidelity and your decision is final.

I kept a notebook and recorded all XDHs arsehole moves. When I was feeling wobbly a quick scan put me back on track.

It will settle, eventually. I suspect when his parents go and he loses his audience things might change.

Thanks all, I've just finished doing the Christmas presents with everyone.

It was fine, kids were excited and happy; and then I spent two hours setting up new Alexa's for the kids and trying to redeem Roblox gift cards.

I suspect it would be easier to hack the Pentagon mainframe than actually get into Roblox. I'm exhausted!

Friends of mine were expecting a grand gesture from him - so they'll be disappointed that there wasn't one. I'm relieved, as I don't then have to deal with the pouting about it later.

I wonder if men get lessons on the script, just in case they ever decide to cheat. It's a bit eerie how they all stick to the same methods.

I'm not with the kids for Christmas dinner, thank god, I'm off out for dinner with friends. I'm so relieved I decided to do this.

The UK isn't really somewhere I want to come back to unless there is no other option. I have no support there anymore, and for a lot of reasons, where we are now suits all of us.

I have quite a lot of chronic health issues and so accessing health care here is much easier and quicker; and it's been a lifesaver over the past few years. So I'd rather not have to go back into the NHS system.

There are definitely more pros to staying here rather than moving back to the UK, as long as he is only a bit of a dick and not a total nightmare.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope your Christmas mornings are as enjoyable and uneventful as mine has been!

What a great idea!!

Sounds like you have a lovely dinner planned, keep focused I'm sure there will be more curve balls to come. Sadly they all follow the script - the lies I've been told over the years are something else! You are being very strong, what the pp has said above is an excellent idea (I'm buying myself a nice notebook in the sales). Enjoy the rest of your day xx

This has been a lifesaver for me. My list is on my phone. It’s now… ((checks notes…)) 170 items long. I needed to refer to it last night when I started to feel a bit down, wondering about where he’ll be for Christmas (OW’s house?) because I tend to look back through rose tinted glasses and it’s easy to forget how hard he made my life when we were together. My list always brings me back to reality when he’s attempting a hoover.

Merry Christmas and stay strong, we will be here for you always and you deserve better than what you have you deserve to be happy in life xxxx

If he (starts) suggesting you are breaking up the family/mistreating him in front of the children, that is really not on. Look up if parental alienation is illegal, where you are. Hoping for a much better 2024 for you.

Evening all.

Christmas Day was really good in the end, although it yielded a cracking hangover on Boxing Day.

I managed to escape without the in-laws giving me advice, which was very welcome.

But... surprise surprise, H (only a month in) has decided that he cannot possibly cope with 50/50 childcare and every other weekend.

Apparently he now needs to work at the weekends as well as the ridiculous hours he was already doing, so it gives him no time to himself.....

So he wanted to drop into in either 9 week or 7 week blocks. So 9 weeks would be him 4 weekends and me 5; 7 weeks would be him doing 3 and me doing 4.

He's been on holiday for the last 10 days, so he's not exactly had to juggle much.

Anyway, as I've read time and time again on here, you can only make the kids available for time with their dad.

So I agreed to 9 week blocks. Least I look reasonable in his eyes, and to be honest I was shocked he went for 50/50 in the first place.

Whilst we technically, in terms of hours, have a 50/50 split, basically I have them all day and he takes over at 5pm once he's been to work and the gym.

It works for me as I like my evenings to myself, but it's not exactly quality time with the kids.

We'll see how it goes once we get into the new year - but once everyone is back at work, his work travel will increase and the next 12 months worth of weekend planning will go straight out of the window.

He won't last long if he suggests that... because I'll just tell the kids the truth. Lets hope he's not that stupid - the kids tell me EVERYTHING.

That's what I'm hoping this thread will become. I struggle with a diary, but for some reason, posting here seems to ground me. Probably because I have all of you making sure I don't do anything stupid.