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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you ever think about divorce after an argument with spouse??

22 replies

Rochella · 23/12/2023 13:58

When you have an argument with your husband, do you often think about divorce afterwards? Is this normal?

When I have a bad argument with mine, and I think he's being really unreasonable about something, I end up thinking about it - and have even at times started looking up one-bed flats to rent.

Then time passes and memory of the argument fades. But the next time have a bad argument, I'll do it again.

I just wanted to get a feel for whether this is common in marriages?

OP posts:

GenXisthebest · 23/12/2023 14:04

Personally, I had this feeling a few times when I had very young DC. It was a kind of "this is so hard and it would actually be easier without you to worry about as well!" thing. Now the kids are older and I haven't had this thought for years - we're really happy together.

So I guess my answer is: it depends. It could be just a phase and you'll come out the other side. But if it goes on for years on end then it doesn't seem normal to me. Sorry to sit on the fence!

Eggsley · 23/12/2023 14:13

Yes, most definitely! I've looked at flats on rightmove, and caravans to live in. There have been times in the past when I've thought it would save my sanity. But actually I do love him and wouldn't want to leave him, it's just nice to imagine peace and quiet sometimes, especially when he's annoying me or being grumpy!

BarrelOfOtters · 23/12/2023 14:15

I had a bad phase of this when there was a who.e pile of shit going on in our lives. We are through tha5 patch and in a much happier place. I’d be surprised if a lot of couples don’t have a patch of this…

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 14:16

I did. And to be perfectly honest it was the beginning of the end. When I knew that I could financially manage on my own, I began wondering about how much my ex was actually adding to my life.

I suppose you need to look at how much you are arguing about and what it is over? If you're arguing all of the time about the same old shit, then it's time to go.

SirChenjins · 23/12/2023 14:16

God yes - and speaking to my friends it seems I’m far from alone.

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 23/12/2023 14:17

I was contemplating divorce just this morning. We don't even really argue, but I don't think either of us makes the other particularly happy. We probably shouldn't have got married in the first place.

However, we do make a really solid parenting team, so for the kids' sake I'll stay with him at least till they're independent.

IClaudine · 23/12/2023 14:19

There is a FB page called Small Homes or something like that. Some posts are from older women who have downsized after ending long marriages. I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes fantasise...

dudsville · 23/12/2023 14:24

I think it depends what the arguments ae about. Mine wih DH are really dull, like do we fed the dog not or in 15 min, or have we bought too much veg. If it was more personal, important or more frequent then I would question whether we're compatible.

PurpleWhirple · 23/12/2023 14:26

I used to feel like this when the kids were young. When I had a 4 and 2 year old I would fantasize about divorce on a regular basis

pinkfones · 23/12/2023 14:30

I think everyone thinks like this sometimes.
It's the thought of escaping whatever situation is irritating you but tbh divorce is probably not always needed! K

ChihuahuaMummy · 23/12/2023 15:01

I have to be completely honest and say that I only felt like this in my previous marriage, which was toxic and abusive. That was because I didn't love him and I wanted out anyway. With my current marriage (9 years) I have never felt that way and we don't even argue, I don't see the point.

Nogooddeed7 · 23/12/2023 15:03

Yes and it was the beginning of the end for us because the feelings just grew. I tried to talk about it. He was not willing to meet me half way.

MsRosley · 23/12/2023 15:16

Every single day over the last few years.

Aparecium · 23/12/2023 15:42

No, never.

After an argument I first get grumpy and sulky and need time to myself. Then I think about how we can come back from our disagreement and find a way to sort the issue out. Sometimes it's something I need to do, sometimes it's something he needs to do. Sometimes it something that I have to tell him that he needs to do. (Occasionally it is the other way round.)

But I have never had the least desire to divorce or even separate from my dh, no matter the argument.

StragglyTinsel · 23/12/2023 15:46

It was the beginning of the end for my marriage too. Looking for places to rent with my children.

STBXH is impossible to live with and just not a nice person. That’s why arguments led to thinking about divorce.

Didimum · 23/12/2023 20:16

No I’ve never once had these thoughts. Together ten years and we’ve definitely been through the wringer with 6yr old twins, death of parents and serious illness in family.

Though, judging from the comments so far, it appears as though it may be fairly common.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 23/12/2023 20:19

Oh yes! Never for long and never really seriously but more a knee jerk reaction after a usually silly argument.

jenny38 · 23/12/2023 20:51

Yes, I think most of us get cheesed off sometimes. I also think it depends on your personality if you experience more highs and lows, feel things passionately or more even keel type of personality, as to how you react to the bad times.
I would say my husband and I are mostly compatible, but he struggles to focus on solutions whrn he's annoyed. It makes me feel unloved and unimportant- them I'm on rightmove! However this isn't happening every day or every week.

riotlady · 23/12/2023 21:01

Honestly never, but we don’t really have big fights anyway.

Char65 · 24/12/2023 12:10

Yes! Totally! I posted on here about an argument DH and I had on 16th Dec – DH so annoying ahhh! As get so upset. DH is the worse person in the world to argue with as never backs down, remains calm whereas I get very emotional and really start yelling. He won’t say he’s sorry and that means we could be at logger heads for days. When the children were younger and he was working something they did or said would break the silence or we’d just get back to a normal routine or I’d say sorry normally in bed but it has become more difficult now he’s retired. We don’t argue much (thank God!) and I’m pretty placid on the whole but things build up and when we do argue I often see it as the end of the world and think he’ll leave me or I need to get a divorce.

Original poster

Rochella · 24/12/2023 23:35

@IClaudine I have also been shown a lot of 'tiny homes' posts on facebook and I wasn't sure why. I wonder if they know more about me than I realise - I guess their tracking thing knows I've been looking on rightmove for one bed flats.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rochella · 24/12/2023 23:42

Thank you everyone. It's helpful to know that others also have these thoughts.

For me, I have had these thoughts fairly frequently since the end of our honeymoon (when we had a bad argument on the plane home), which was two years ago.

OP posts:

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