Living with STBXH and tempted to rekindle intimacy

[HelpPleaseNow]

I was wondering if you wise ladies and gents could help me.

I broke up with my STBXH a few months ago, after finding out about his infidelity. We tried for a significant period of time to make it work, but I found it all too painful and knew deep down that I would never get over it. For that reason, I decided to separate. I don't want to be in a relationship with him any more and I can't see a future for us.

However, we are still living together and will be for a significant period of time due to various circumstances beyond our control. We have a small child together. We also don't have friends or family nearby as we moved recently.

We are in separate rooms. Initially, I hated him and didn't want to be near him, so it was very easy to carry on with this arrangement.

However, with the pressure of us being a couple being off, we had a nice family day out the other day. Ever since then, I can't stop thinking about him. I still don't want to be his wife. I still want to break up. However...I feel this crazy irresistible attraction towards him. It's like nothing I have experienced before! I just really want to be intimate with him again. Not to go back to being a couple, ever. Just the intimacy.

How do I get over this? Has anyone experienced this? What did they do about it? I know living together isn't ideal. But it's how things will be for a while.

Help! 😲

It sounds like hysterical bonding, have a Google and see if it resonates. There’ll be advice around how to deal with it but I would caution against pursuing anything if you know you ultimately want to split up, it’ll just make it confusing and difficult for you all.

Don't do it

Thank you @Coffeeandanap I'm glad there's a name for it! I will read up on it. And yes, you are both right.

Has anyone experienced it? How did you cope?

I experienced it the first time I found out about an affair. It disappeared after a few weeks. I look back now and wonder what on earth I was thinking, it’s a weird experience and one I wish I’d avoided.

Nooo OP. You maybe are feeling a bit more relaxed now freedom is in sight, so your libido is coming back. And having a good day with him will've reminded you of any good times you had.

Don't risk complicating things and setting it all back. Remember what he did, to keep yourself from doing it. Scratch that itch in other ways.

Start making new friends and stuff when you can, so he's not the only adult you see. See family when you can if that helps you.

Buy a vibrator.

Yeah, hysterical bonding. Don't start having sex with him again - you'll likely regret it.

Probably best not to spend time with him but keep him at a distance.

Also, probably best you don't drink and give yourself an excuse.

I experienced this after discovering my husband's affair last year. It was like nothing I've ever felt in terms of sexual desire. Apparently it's very common.

For me, it lasted about 3 months until the anger kicked in. We are reconciling so I don't regret it, but in your position I wouldn't go there. I know how strong the feeling is though!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment.

Yes, I've already made an order with Love Honey haha @ColourByNumbers88 !

Did you stay together or break up @Coffeeandanap ? What worries me is my own bi-polar reaction. A few months ago I was adamant that I wanted a divorce. But now I'm scared I will change my mind because if these feelings. Is that normal? I feel like my brain and body are betraying me! How can I want polar opposite things like that?

And yes, I don't drink so that's good.

With regards to making friends...I was feeling all positive and energetic and started making plans to do things, but now that the adrenaline for that has worn off...it's a struggle to get myself to do the basics, let alone launch into making new friends and hobbies.

Anyway, one small step at a time I guess....this won't last forever, hopefully.

We broke up, he did it again and that was the end of that. I drove myself mad looking for signs it was happening again & it was.
It’s a huge betrayal of trust to have an affair & one that’s incredibly difficult to recover from.
I look back and feel the same as you, that my body & hormones were working against me. It’s such a weird experience.

thank you for sharing your experience @Coffeeandanap I'm sorry you had a difficult time. It certainly does feel like your body works against you. I'm glad to hear it didn't last forever. That's what I keep telling myself - 'This too shall pass".

@Coffeeandanap how long did it take you to get over him?

By the time we split there wasn’t anything to get over, the way he’d behaved just made me stop loving him & I was done. It’s been a year now and I’ve never felt like I’m getting over him, I was over him by the time we split up.

I think you just know when the time is right, your gut will tell you when you’ve had enough.
When I was still there trying to get over the first affair I kept asking myself if I could imagine spending the rest of my life holding my breath waiting for it to happen again.

Critical thing for me was, at the time of the hysterical bonding he was saying and doing all the right things about building trust & changing his ways. It was very convincing but ultimately the change didn’t last.

Sorry you’re going through such a crap time, especially at Christmas.

This happens all the time. My XH cheated on his next wife with me for the entire 10 months we shared a home. It feels 'different' because the relationship has changed but, assuming sex was a reasonably well-functioning part of the marriage, it also feels familiar - and available.

Don't do it if it confuses your emotions. Don't do it if you feel bad afterwards. It won't revive your broken marriage. It can be pleasant and help to ease the tension. What to do with your body is your call.

@GarlicGiftsAndGlitter thank you for sharing your story. It is helpful to know that these are all normal feelings, and they happen in these kinds of situations. It makes me realise that it's all part of the process.

@Coffeeandanap I think you've hit the nail on the head. At the end of the day, it's very difficult to get over such a betrayal, no matter what the body wants to do. The brain still remembers it all. Thank you also for sharing your story.

I think after the initial hormones, I've had time to think about things, and some things that make me realise that it would only prolong the pain I suppose. So now I'm going to focus on the healing instead. I'm finding it helpful to read about breakups and how to heal from them instead. So I guess try to channel my energy into moving on rather than the past. It was so helpful to learn that it's common and has a name as well.