Husband seeking help for depression - does it improve?

[BabyClicks]

Husband and I, both late 30s, have been together 10 years, married 7. We have DC4 and DC1.

After the birth of our first child, he went through a period of depression that manifested largely as anger. This lasted about 2 years, then he reverted back to his usual, happy self. During this rough time though, we almost separated. He was not diagnosed with depression, but had psychological help to manage his anger. I don't think he revealed everything to his psychologist at the time.

Both happy, we had our second child a year ago. Things went downhill again when baby was about 2 months old. The anger again, a very short fuse, prone to verbal explosions. He is unable to cope with our 4 year olds moods and defiance, or the baby crying. He refused to seek help, believing this was just how it was - everyone was miserable. He just got snappier and more miserable.

I snapped last weekend, and said I wanted to separate if this was our lot. I'm not miserable, but he makes me feel like it. With this ultimatum he disclosed he feels so miserable he is suicidal. He is now under care of a medical and psychological team, with therapy and meds.

For anyone that has been through similar - did it get better with treatment? I want the man I married back, I miss him so much. I don't recognise this angry, sad stranger in his place.

I also worry our marriage is too far gone, there is too much damage. I still love him, but live on eggshells waiting for his next shitty mood, and want to protect the kids from those moods.

Hey OP just wanted to post with some solidarity, my DH is also going through a period of depression, started when we had DC during covid lockdown, his Mum got diagnosed with Cancer and passed away a few months after and his job role at work changed and ended up with a bit of a pay cut. He's been struggling for over 3 years now and has just missed out on a wage increase as he's struggling at work and they only offered the bump to half the staff based on performance.

I'm at my wits end and don't know how to help, I keep gently trying to get him to seek help but he doesn't want to talk about it and burying his head in the sand just hoping he will magically get better.

Hopefully the therapy and medication will be the thing that really helps your husband, I don't want it to get to that stage with mine but I can see him cracking soon without intervention. Xx

This group saved my Husband from suicide.
He now helps out and raises money for them.

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

My husband is the same, it’s really tough. I’m hoping it will pass. It’s just so common in men, I had no idea

My husband has been on meds for decades. It got so bad over the last two years we decided to try something different. He has seen amazing results with the flow headset op. Flow website

He is still on his meds and is now doing other things like exercise (which he couldn't bring himself to do before) he is sleeping better and his sex drive has improved.

Some areas in the UK are trialing this on the NHS or you can subscribe privately via the website which is what we have done.

I'm so glad I googled alternatives I have my husband back

Living on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. If you feel like this, how do your kids feel?.

Trying to protect your children from their father's moods whilst you are all living under the same roof is an impossible task. You have a choice here re this man, your children do not.

Did he hold down a job whilst he was angry?. What was he like around other people?. Childbirth and marriage are two flasphoints for abusers to start showing their true colours and ramping up the power and control.

If he could control himself around other people then its likely that his anger was solely reserved for you and your children. It is possible that he is not depressed at all (and he was not diagnosed with depression nor do you think he told his pyschologist everything) but is abusive. Also you cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want your help and or support.

What if anything do you know about this man's childhood?. The anger's come from somewhere and its roots are likely formed in childhood. What is his parents relationship like?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your eldest child has already seen an angry father in his midst around half his life. This is no life for you nor your children either. Make choices with you and they in mind going forward, not your H. It may be an idea also for you to seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce (knowledge here is power) and to contact Womens Aid.

I would be questioning my long term future with him to be honest. Anyone that has a propensity to anger sounds potentially hard work and difficult. I realise he is depressed but is depression really a good excuse for anger issues?

I'd also be wondering about my longer term happiness with someone predisposed towards depression and anger issues. I realise in some ways this sounds heartless but it is as much about your and your children's personal wellbeing as it is about his.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions and solidarity posts. I am sorry we are going through this, it is definitely more common than I realised.

It is definitely depression - diagnosed now through a doctor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They all assure me that yes, anger is a very valid symptom. Yes, he is also having issues in other areas of his life, but just holding it together at work. Again, his medical team say this is normal to mask at work. He is also not angry all the time, otherwise this would be an easy decision. We are having an angry outburst everyday at the moment. I did not grow up in an angry house, either did he. This is intolerable for me. It is so tough to draw a line though. How bad is too bad?

I do appreciate you raising the possibility of abuse rather than depression. I have been considering it. In the end though - the cause doesn't matter, just the effect. If the behaviour continues we can't continue this way, whether it is depression or abuse. I am thinking of my kids, first and foremost. I need to keep them safe and happy. That is the only reason I'm considering leaving when my husband is more stable. I also need to give my husband the best chance to recover from this diagnosed, medical episode if he can. I know those two goals might not be compatible, and my kids come first.