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Original poster

Keeping in contact with ex's family (nephews/nieces) once divorced....?

24 replies

sososadaboutthis · 23/12/2023 07:57

I was wondering how people maintain a relationship with ex's side of the family once separated? Myself and DH are going through a separation. He doesn't feel he'll ever be able to face my family again, which includes my brother's children. Although he's not a blood relation to them, our children are. I just wondered how other people are navigating this...

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2023 08:03

Well, if it's your brother's children, surely you maintain the relationship between cousins?

If your ex doesn't choose to stay in contact with his nieces & nephews by marriage after the divorce, that's quite normal really. (He sounds a bit dramatic over it all, though).

Sodndashitall · 23/12/2023 08:05

I've not met my ex relatives since splitting up. That is left to my ex to organise. And vice versa.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 23/12/2023 08:06

You don’t usually.
its your job to facilitate the relationship with your children and your family and his job for his family.

Peepshowcreepshow · 23/12/2023 08:08

They aren't his family and they will be people he used to know. Presumably you will stay in contact with your nephews and nieces - he was only uncle by marriage and had no need to see them.

YireosDodeAver · 23/12/2023 08:11

My BIL is divorced. My DC have virtually no contact with their "ex" aunty and really aren't bothered by this. They occasionally meet if there's a cousins drop-off to grandma's at the same time. I have a couple of ex-aunts myself as 2 if my uncles got divorced when I was a teenager. I have seen them since at eg family weddings. I don't see any reason for there to be any kind of ongoing contact between ex-neice/nephew and ex-aunt/uncle unless it's strongly desired by both. I am sure that some such links are exceptionally close eg if the aunt/uncle has been regularly involved in childcare, in which case it would be worth trying to keep contact going, but otherwise it's not a big deal.

Aprilx · 23/12/2023 08:12

He isn’t related to your brother’s children, unless they played a major part of his life whilst you were together, I wouldn’t expect him to keep in touch. I can say right now that if I split up with my husband I wouldn’t keep in touch with his family.

Fireyflies · 23/12/2023 08:28

I've stayed in touch with ex's parents, but that's largely because his mum was very worried when we split up that ex would bugger off completely and she'd lose contact with her grandchildren, so I did it to reassure her that she'd keep that relationship whatever. Ex in fact remained in good contact with the kids and it's mainly been him who's facilitated contact with his parents, but I have kept up the relationship too, visiting a few times, the odd phone call. I think it makes more sense for the parent who has the kids most of the time to keep up with their ex's family than the NRP who's not likely to spend his one weekend a fortnight or whatever visiting his ex's family.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 23/12/2023 08:48

Of course I'm going to be staying in touch with my nephews and nieces - sorry should have clarified that! I just feel sad for them because they know and love him as their Uncle and they might find it hard to understand not seeing him again. 😞
But I guess he hasn't been a massive part of their lives, just a couple of family gatherings every year.

OP posts:
anxiousnanna · 23/12/2023 08:54

when myself and my ex divorced, i maintained relations with my side of the family and he maintained relations with his, however we did keep in contact with each other (birthday cards, christmas and special events). i was still very much made welcome by his family and vice versa.

my ex has recently passed away, and now i have almost been welcomed back into their family as the childrens representative if that makes sense. family is important on both sides until the children are old enough to make the decisions for themselves.

ErinAoife · 23/12/2023 08:56

I thought I had a good relationship with ex family. I knew them for 25 years before we separated (husband did not love me anymore). They did not like his new partner who he was with 6 weeks after we broke up and they always stay in touch but to be honest it was more me making the effort to see them in person than them visiting me Thing changed when ex got a new girlfriend 2 years ago that his family like, now I don't get invite to events but after all claimed I should be invited I used to be very closed to my Sil, seeing each other at least 3 times a week but once the new partner came in, she took her distance. Now I am lucky if I see her once a month.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 23/12/2023 08:59

ErinAoife · 23/12/2023 08:56

I thought I had a good relationship with ex family. I knew them for 25 years before we separated (husband did not love me anymore). They did not like his new partner who he was with 6 weeks after we broke up and they always stay in touch but to be honest it was more me making the effort to see them in person than them visiting me Thing changed when ex got a new girlfriend 2 years ago that his family like, now I don't get invite to events but after all claimed I should be invited I used to be very closed to my Sil, seeing each other at least 3 times a week but once the new partner came in, she took her distance. Now I am lucky if I see her once a month.

I'm really sorry to hear that, it sounds tough especially when you were close to them 😔

OP posts:
IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 23/12/2023 09:04

My exDH has not kept in touch with my DB and his family, but I have kept in touch with his DB and his family.

However this is in keeping with how it was when we were married. I get on well my DB and his family but only see them a couple of times a year, whereas I count exDSIL as one of my dearest old friends and I adore the children (now all adults).

S72 · 23/12/2023 09:10

When my uncle (blood) and his wife of over 25 years got divorced, she sent me a really lovely message explaining she was moving on with her new partner and didn't feel it was appropriate to stay connected to her ex's family on social media. She wanted a clear boundary to move forward with the next phase of her life. The way she wrote was kind and respectful.

She was my aunt my entire childhood and
I really appreciated her message, rather than just deleting/blocking.

Jonisaysitbest · 23/12/2023 10:14

I think this is one of the hardest parts of separating or divorcing a long term partner.
My exH hasn't seen or spoken to my side of the family since we split. The adults know the truth of his behaviour (affairs etc) though so don't think much of him.

I still keep in touch with his family but don't see them much. He wouldn't mind if I did though, he isn't a family man (how did I miss that red flag?😂) and says that they would rather see me than him.
I stay in touch for the kids' sake really.

I found it really upsetting when we first split because I felt so close to his family but I'm not so bothered now. He has a new partner who may take my place and that's fine if she does.
I will always stay in touch with them on some level - cards, WhatsApps etc -because they were such a huge part of my formative years but I am not striving to keep a close relationship.
As with everything, time changes things.

Darhon · 23/12/2023 10:18

I occasionally text ex’s family and follow them on social media. Their kids were grown up when we separated and one in particular is lovely and we occasionally text.

Sprogonthetyne · 23/12/2023 10:26

These answers are a bit depressing. I grew up having no contact with my farther. My mother regularly took my sister and I to visit paternal grandparents and aunties. In fact grandmother, who lived a few hours away, would often come stay with us for a weekends and just nip out to see farther & his new family for lunch.

I also have an uncle & (former?) Aunt who are separated. My cousins mum and subsequent little sibling are both still very much part of the family.

TreasurePieLand · 23/12/2023 10:29

I find some of these answers sad. I’m divorced and my nephews and nieces on my exH’s side are still my family! I’ll always be their auntie. My exH, on the other hand, has had nothing to do with my family since we split. Which made my niece (sister’s daughter) really sad. She thinks she did something wrong :(

Peepshowcreepshow · 23/12/2023 10:50

TreasurePieLand · 23/12/2023 10:29

I find some of these answers sad. I’m divorced and my nephews and nieces on my exH’s side are still my family! I’ll always be their auntie. My exH, on the other hand, has had nothing to do with my family since we split. Which made my niece (sister’s daughter) really sad. She thinks she did something wrong :(

My uncle and his wife divorced after many years of marriage but I'm afraid I never saw her as an aunt although I had to call her that, she was my uncle's wife and not an actual relative.
Everyone has different perceptions of family, but she was not family to me, so I had no reason to stay in touch and have not done so in the last 40 years.

TreasurePieLand · 23/12/2023 12:03

Peepshowcreepshow · 23/12/2023 10:50

My uncle and his wife divorced after many years of marriage but I'm afraid I never saw her as an aunt although I had to call her that, she was my uncle's wife and not an actual relative.
Everyone has different perceptions of family, but she was not family to me, so I had no reason to stay in touch and have not done so in the last 40 years.

Show quote history

That’s totally understandable and I didn’t mean to imply my experience is the correct one. I guess that because I’ve known all my nephews and nieces since birth, they’re family to me and always will be. But of course other people have different experiences.

autienotnaughty · 23/12/2023 12:14

When we split I stayed in touch with ex mi, sil and dn. They get my new ds a pressie at Xmas and birthday and I get dn a pressie. We swap cards. I see them if they collect my dds (their granddaughters)

I'm not friends with them but we get on fine. Dn I see occasionally through my dds and stayed quite close to her although now she's an adult I don't see her as much. But probably similar to if I'd stayed with exh.

Epidote · 23/12/2023 12:19

I keep contact with my ex family because I'm the main carer and they don't want to miss out my kid. Once she is big enough to arrange her own visiting I would think that the relationship will fade a bit as I don't see them as my family just acquaintances.
They love my child and I'm happy for them and my child to be together and enjoy their time.

Darhon · 23/12/2023 12:28

Sprogonthetyne · 23/12/2023 10:26

These answers are a bit depressing. I grew up having no contact with my farther. My mother regularly took my sister and I to visit paternal grandparents and aunties. In fact grandmother, who lived a few hours away, would often come stay with us for a weekends and just nip out to see farther & his new family for lunch.

I also have an uncle & (former?) Aunt who are separated. My cousins mum and subsequent little sibling are both still very much part of the family.

Yes, but your father was sadly not in contact. My kids see their dad and therefore he has the main contact with his side.

Alwaysthesunandthemoon · 23/12/2023 12:48

I divorced my first DH and he is now dead but I still keep in touch with his family and consider his nieces and nephews as my family. I count my ex SIL as a friend and am invited to events for the wider family.
My second DH died some years ago and I got on well with my stepchildren and wider family when he was alive but they cut me off after he died.
It's quite strange (and hurtful) really that the family of the man I divorced are friendly but the family of the man I was happy with and nursed when he was ill, don't want to know me. I know other widows who have been cut off by their inlaws.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 23/12/2023 15:27

TreasurePieLand · 23/12/2023 10:29

I find some of these answers sad. I’m divorced and my nephews and nieces on my exH’s side are still my family! I’ll always be their auntie. My exH, on the other hand, has had nothing to do with my family since we split. Which made my niece (sister’s daughter) really sad. She thinks she did something wrong :(

This is exactly my worry..to them, nothing will have changed in terms of how they see him. DHs brother doesn't have kids but if he did I would absolutely want to still be their Aunty

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