How do you find the strength to leave?

[Elliebythesea]

I’m fragile right now. I’ve been with someone for around 10 years. The last half has not been so been great. Lots of ups and downs. Stupidly agreed to buy a house with him. We were getting on at the time but a year later the digs started and they’ve been chipping away at me ever since. He makes me feel stupid. He acts like I’m a horrible selfish person but I don’t think I am. I have fiends and none of them treat me or speak to me like he does. So it can’t just be me right? He only has one friend left. He has a personality disorder which ramps up the stress and anxiety in him and I feel the brunt of it. He tells me I’m unsupportive but I do all I can. I get no support from him with things like maintaining the house. Every decision that needs to be made is on me but if I don’t include him then I’m selfish. If I do include him then I’m adding to his stress. I feel like I can’t win.
I give up. I want to be free but how do I do this? How do you walk away after all this time? I think I’ve come to the realisation that it’s over but I’m so sad. It’s half my adult life.

You decide not to waste any more and make the change.

You've got loads of adult life yet to live, don't want to spend more of it like this.

Make an appointment to discuss what you need to do regarding the house with a solicitor/advisor in the new year. You might need to sell up or one of you buy the other out.

Do you have children with him? I'm presuming not as you don't mention them.

Better to walk away now, you don't want to still be in the same situation years down the line saying I've been with him 15 years, 20 years...

It's scary and a big change, but life is for living. You only get the one.

What is stopping you? What are you afraid will happen if you go?
How likely is that to happen?
How bad would it be if it did happen, compared to another 40 years living like this?

It's not half your adult life. It's only half of your adult life so far.

If you get out now, by the time you're my age (old), it will have been a tiny fraction of your adult life. A blip you can barely remember.

There are no bars on your cage. Leave him and live the long happy life you deserve.

Get it sorted, break free , wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my life on a bloke like that.
they get worse, sounds like a narcissist tbh
live life we just got one

I’d bet BPD/EUPD, it can be HELL to live with sadly.

OP, you are young, this shouldn’t be your life! New year, new start!

In my experience you need to confide in friends and/or some organisations like womens aid to build up the strength you need to leave. Although it is a case of 'just leaving' in reality it's not as easy as that, and that support network is what makes the difference. But it is so so worth it. Good luck.

Thank you so much for the replies

no children with him, which I’m glad about

Whats stopping me? I’m scared, not of him but of stating again. I don’t mean like finding a new partner, he’s put me off men for a long time. I know I can’t afford this house by myself and I couldn’t afford to buy somewhere else on my own. He will not make it easy for me to leave. There will be a lot of emotional blackmail. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through with it in the end.

We have a couple of dogs which I know he will try and fight me for, even though I’m the one who looks after them.

he’s not been diagnosed with narcissism, it’s something else. But I have been wondering recently.

You would bet right!

Would going to live with your DPs or a sibling or friend be an option for a while? If you sort out where you're going to live first, you could take the DDogs with you and not tell him you were going until you'd gone.

My DSus did this, she had a new place lined up and hired a van for a day he was at work. Left him a note on the kitchen table, without her new address obviously

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto that could be an option, my parents would have me back and I can’t see him going round there. He’s never made an effort with them. Another thing that’s my fault apparently.

Another thing that’s my fault apparently.

Try not to take any of his negativity on board. You know that you've done more to try and keep the relationship going. Things aren't going to get any better though, probably worse.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

As another poster suggested, talk to your DPs, talk to your DFriends and talk to Womensaid and get the strength to leave him behind you