Found out today that ExH has married the woman he left me and our baby for

[BarbaraVineFan]

..and I don't know how I'm feeling tbh.

We were together since 2014, married 2016, suffered 3 miscarriages and then had DD in Oct 2019. I honestly thought he was the love of my life.

I was oblivious, thought everything was fine but he started having an affair when DD was just 1 and then left me for the OW when she was 18 months.

He lives in a different country with the OW and only sees DD on video chat (but does send regular money). I am actually fine, don't miss him, happy on my own with DD.

Now I discover he and the OW are actually married and he hasn't told anyone, not even his family for reasons which are a bit too complicated to relate here, so I can't talk to anyone about it in real life .

Just don't really know how to feel. I suppose it makes no real difference, but it feels strange and I can't stop thinking about him and the end of our relationship, when normally I don't think about him at all day to day.

And don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose because I don't have anyone I can talk to about it

Normal to feel a bit weird I think. You owe him nothing so I don’t see why you can’t talk to anyone you like about it. If it would help talk to people who care about you.

Don’t let him take up any space in your mind, OP. You’re better off without him. Long may you and DD enjoy your happy life together, and if you meet someone else one day I hope he will be better for you.

Why can't you talk to your own friends about this? It's a big deal really and not odd to be triggering some reaction in you.

I suppose it's a good thing he didn't tear your life up just for a two month fling. But cheaters rarely stay loyal for long.

Just carry on enjoying DD that you get to have all to yourself

They were married before he met you??

No @coxesorangepippin , how did you get that from my post?! He has recently married OW, in the last couple of months I think

I suppose I could talk to my own friends. I just really want to talk to my ex sister in law about it- we are very close and she and I often talk- but she is the one person I can't talk to!

Why not though?

Because it's not my place to talk to his family about it if he hasn't told them @AnneLovesGilbert

Fair enough. But I’ll just reiterate that you owe him nothing and if you’re closer to his sister than you are to him, which it sounds like you are, I wouldn’t care about repercussions for him.

DD told me recently that XH is planning to propose to his new partner. He swears there was no overlap but he lined her up PDQ (I found evidence to suggest that day after he moved out!). I feel a bit weird about it. I genuinely worry for her being tied to him. Weird that he could move on so easily. I absolutely do not want him back 😬 but it’s a strange feeling to think someone you built a live with is now doing that with someone else!

My FIL left MIL and married his mistress. As an adult DH is pleased that he didn't do it for nothing (they are still married 28 years later) and tbh MIL has not had to be married to him for 29 years 😁. Wins all around

That's a fair point. I don't know. I agree that I don't owe him anything, but on the other hand I don't want to rock the boat with his family - they are all very kind and supportive, send gifts for DD and we see them regularly. It's nice for her because she doesn't see her dad

How did you find out? If you don’t want to tell his family, could you get them to find out another way? I certainly wouldn’t be keeping his secret for him.

It's natural to feel a bit weird knowing he is living this life without you, even though it's not a life you want. It looks like he has moved on while I imagine your life is still focused around your DD. His loss.

Give some time to yourself. It’s normal to feel a bit shocked but as long as you have got over him it will pass.
Men move on quicker, simply because they are incapable of being alone and take care of themselves.
Cut unecessary contact, unlrss it relates to your child.

My ExH married the woman he had an affair with while he was married to me. I knew when it was going to happen and arranged a nice break away that weekend so I didn't focus on it. It is a very strange (and not nice) feeling when they have moved on in that way and building a new life in the same way that you had a life with them. Things will get easier in time.

I often wonder at the thinking of someone who'd choose to partner up a cheater and a dead beat Dad (sorry, but any parent who chooses to go and live in a different country from their child, and only video call them and pay a bit towards them; is a shitty parent). That's not parenting.

How lucky he is that the mother of his child is a responsible, well adjusted person and parent whom he could just offload his responsibility onto; not everyone is.

(No wonder his family make such effort, they must be so ashamed of him).

Anyway, what a prize. His character might bite her on the ass someday. It's very unusual for someone to cheat and then abandon their previous life, and essentially their child (some money and some video calls, I mean ..) ...and be a decent person. It's cold, irresponsible, compartmentalising, selfish, low integrity behaviour that makes you suspect they have a personality disorder.

Seems like he's also lying to his family over the marriage and other stuff too .... More messiness and dysfunction.

Foolish woman.

If he's living in another country, the marriage may be visa/legal related anyway.

Well, it's natural that it's brought up feelings for you. Hopefully, it's just a small bump in the road.

I'm SO glad that you're not here saying you're totally devastated and heartbroken about it, though. It sounds like you've moved on and coped really well with what's happened (which is pretty shitty, to be fair).

Thanks everyone for your kind comments, which have made me feel a lot better. Onwards and upwards! Merry Christmas to all of you x