How to Stop Massive Crush?

[PassionPita]

I've been with DH for 12 years but have suddenly developed a massive, intensive crush on someone I can't really avoid. I know it's not helped by the fact I haven't been happy in my marriage lately either.

DC do an activity and he works there. He's really friendly and I'm starting to feel like I'm reading into things that may or may not be there - to me he seems to be over friendly and will rush to be the first to be on hand when others could assist but that's not really a solid indication and I don't think it matters either way. I can't see that if it was reciprocated that he'd ever make a really bold move, especially at work, so that's not really a problem.

I don't want DC to quit it because it's a lifelong skill and I can't get them into lessons elsewhere nearby. DH isn't too bothered about taking DC and it usually fits into my schedule.

He is being friendly because he is at work and it's his job. He won't make a move but is probably flattered if it's obvious that you fancy him. Remember that he looks forward to going home to his family after work just like you.

I've never made it obvious and usually I avoid him as much as I can. I never come across as over friendly back. There's nothing he'd be flattered about.

His friendliness which I'm unsure about is often running across a room to help before someone nearby can, in a completely normal, non-emergency situation. That's happened quite regularly and I don't see that with others. There's other things including looking up my name when he has no reason to know it (it's not necessary for the activity apart from initial sign up which he has no involvement in, parents are never referred to during lessons, no mutual friends and no one refers to me by name there).

I don't want to sound completely crazy for reading into someone just being friendly, I work in a male dominated industry with plenty of nice, friendly, attractive men and have never had a crush or confused niceness or friendliness.

Although I'm sure I do need to reframe it as it just being his job and he goes back to his life at the end of the day.

Having a crush is totally normal. Can you enjoy it without acting on it? It will fizzle over time.

You are just using this thread as a way of ruminating over all the little clues that help keep the crush going. That is what a crush is - it is a sort of disordered thinking pattern.

If you want to end it then you need to not see him again so that there is no new supply of fuel to keep it all going. No excuses.

But you seem to be wanting to dwell on things you think are (rather flimsy) indications he fancies you? It’s completely irrelevant, surely? You’re married.

I think this is fairly normal, especially when you're going through a bit of a stale spot in your marriage. I've been with my DH for 14 years and don't know what I'd do without him, yet I currently have a ridiculous crush on my DC's friend's Dad. I'm sure my DH probably has crushes on various females from time to time! It will fizzle out eventually.

It comes across that way but I'm just saying that I'm not sure if there's something in it or not. Probably not, if I'm completely honest and does it really matter either way? I don't want anyone chiming in to validate anything, I want it to go away. It's a silly crush.

I understand your view about not seeing him again but I'm not going to cut my DC off from an activity they enjoy and is good for them long term, especially when this man doesn't own this business and can leave at any time. Plus DH will not take them. However, DC have been offered other activities there and I've refused so I'm trying not to see him more than necessary and trying not to engage with him.

I used to get intense crushes in my 20s before I met my partner and had kids. It was awful and I feel for you. I’m glad they’re behind me now and I don’t think this necessarily says anything about your current relationship either.

Usually for me, I’d get a crush when something else was a bit lacking in my life. If my job was mindlessly boring or I lacked exciting personal goals or interesting pursuits to keep my brain otherwise occupied. Or if i was just a bit horny frankly! Sometimes I’d crush on a guy who I wanted to emulate in some way - like a wild guy or someone intensely creative. It was hardly ever about the man in question and much more about me. Do you think you’re lacking in something elsewhere in your life right now? Just something to think about.

You say “I'm trying not to see him more than necessary and trying not to engage with him” and you’re absolutely doing the right thing. No contact is the best way to kill a crush in my experience.

Do you think you’re lacking in something elsewhere in your life right now?

This is the most likely reason, thank you for your response. There's lots of change afoot in my life because I haven't been happy and there are decisions to make about the future I see for myself. In one way, it's a silly thing to think about instead of the real serious stuff and things I need to focus on maybe.