Met a man - online dating

[Datinlove]

So I’ve met a guy who seems quite nice from Bumble. He’s 48 and been single for a long time and has only ever had one long relationship. He says he gets anxious and overthinks. His friends say he needs to chill out and give it a chance. He said for a while he didn’t want a relationship but now he’s ready and desperate for one. He’s been to therapy over the years. He also spoke about his anxiety about a new project he may take on next year - it’s not the actual work but the travelling that will be involved and being in a new place that is causing him stress.

Anyway we’ve been on a few dates now. He’s very pleasant and engaging. We chat nonstop. I wasnt sure if he actually fancied me though, it’s quite rare to meet a guy from online dating who doesn’t get sexual quickly or give compliments and love bombs. I was sure he didn’t fancy me so I suggested being friends but he said he fancies me and thinks I’m lovely. He also said he doesn’t know if we are a match and there are too many unknowns and it’s too early to say. Well, of course. But I found it weird he felt the need to say that. He said he was surprised I fancied him because I didn’t give any signs. Even though I sat across from him and smiled at him the whole time on our last date and I messaged to say he was good looking a few days before! He said he usually needs it to be much more direct from a woman and he needs someone to take the plunge with him. He says many women friendzone him because they mistake his shyness and friendliness for disinterest.

I met up with my two best friends(both on the spectrum) the other day to tell them about all this and both suggested he may have autistic tendencies as they share similar behaviours. I didn’t even think of this. I was just thinking maybe he’s not that into me.

Any thoughts?

As an Autistic person myself, that's no way enough info / evidence / traits to think he may be Autistic or have 'Autistic tendancies' as you put it.

He may just be a naturally shy, anxious person. Especially if he has beeb hurt before. I think you can either work with him on this and give it a bit longer, or bow out now if you feel there may be an incompatibility issue. You just may not be very well matched, even though you seem to get on well. Either way, it's quite soon to judge.

Sounds like he prefers the woman do to the chasing and that's why he keeps getting friendzoned, could get a bit boring, depends, maybe it will just take him a while to feel comfortable and if you have enough patience.

I’m a 44 year old non-autistic man and when I first meet someone I never assume they fancy me or want me getting too personal too quickly. I employ restraint until a mutual green light is obvious. I think there’s value in this approach but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work for everyone, particularly those looking for immediate fireworks, butterflies etc (which let’s face it will probably not be sustainable). I suppose the point I want to make here is that some men come from a place of respect and consideration when we’re getting to know someone; this chap may well be autistic but most likely he’s just a decent bloke.

RainbowZebraWarrior just to emphasise this came from my two friends who are autistic

My partner has autism, he's not autistic ( i.e that's not all he is ) he is not great at affection or intimacy but he is wonderful is so many ways it doesn't bother me. When we were dating I had to do all the chasing and making dates as he wouldn't think to do it. Ten years now, gest relationship I've ever had.

Great to hear Doggymummar how did you know he was interested at first ?

Autistic or not
why not continue to get to know each other ?

he seems nice and you like each other

yes many of the things you mention are fairly ND
but maybe it’s too soon to assess

We met on Tinder! No way we would have met anywhere else as he is a bit of a recluse, works in IT hobbies are electronics, computers and robotics. He has a YouTube channel for retro gaming so typical 40 yr old nerd! We broke up once cos he was embarrassed about his living arrangements and really wanted to invite me back but after a few weeks he got back in touch and the rest is history. I knew he was interested because he never said he wasn't. I don't know if that makes sense? He is just very straightforward and will just say, no I don't want to if I ask him to do something out his comfort zone. So if I said do you fancy dinner he would say yes, but couldn't cope with cinema or going shopping for example. He will fly now, and we went on a cruise, but he won't get in a car. It's weird how his brain works.

Ah lovely Doggymummar glad you knew - usually you just know, that’s why I’ve been worried about this guy. I had to ask him if he fancied me because I just wasn’t sure. When he said he did but caveated it that he doesn’t know if we are a match, that’s made doubt whether he likes me, sees something potential etc. He said there’s a lot that feels right but that there are too many unknowns. Just takes the romance out of it for me…and to be honest my guy feeling is still unsure

Aww OP I think you're overthinking this.

He says he fancies you, you fancy him. You both talk a lot and there's more planned.

Him saying there's still a lot of unknowns is pretty normal and great right? Would you rather he love bombed? It's early days, he's not willing to commit long term/marry you yet but fancies you and enjoys spending time with you.

If you're the same, sounds like a great start to something!

How you phrase it is so wonderfully positive Camorra 🥰 I just didn’t feel it positive with him.

I think you have to take at his word, if things change he will tell you if he's like my other half he is very matter if fact, which can be a bit hurtful sometimes but I always know where I stand and he would never lie about anything, again unfortunately. Yesterday I had a party to go to and I said are these trousers a bit tight, he says yes they don't look good from behind! Off I go to get changed.