Feeling stuck and trapped.

[Pickingausernameistricky]

My partner and I have been together for almost 11 years and have been friends for 20.

We have one child who’s a toddler and are mostly happy. Having a child has been trying alongside the sleep deprivation and his frustrations with work.

He is hot social, he doesn’t like to go out and has 1 close friend and doesn’t spend time with his family, which he is happy with. However I am not, I miss family gatherings, I long to go out with friends on play dates and walks with him there but he doesn’t want to meet them. I go on my own, or end up feeling like I have to stay at home, but both make me feel lonely. We don’t travel, we don’t visit new places and if we do I have to organise it and then manage his grumpiness when we go, which makes me feel anxious and then I don’t enjoy myself.

if I try to talk to him, he won’t listen, gets defensive or angry and belittles me. We still have fun and a giggle when we’re home doing things together but I get so trapped and confined.

I don’t know what to do? Talking to him results in me feeling upset and hurt and him defensive and angry, even when I approach it really sensitivity.

i have nothing, I don’t own the house, he does, and financially we earn our money separately and he has never wanted to put me on the deeds or do wills etc.
I feel I can’t leave as it would wreck my sons life and also because I love him so much and know that we can make this work but it can’t be all me doing the compromising!

It sounds like he’s got his feet firmly under the table and believes you won’t leave him. It sounds like you are being taken for granted at best.

What was his reasoning for not adding you to the deeds or wills?
What was your response to that?

How do your earnings compare? Who pays for what regarding all costs of living, how is this divided and why is that?

Thank you for replying!
he just hasn’t worried about the deeds etc as feels secure, it’s me who doesn’t feel secure as though I didn’t contribute as much to doing the house up, I still spent a lot of my money. We earn similar - he slightly more but we have always paid half for everything and still do. That works pretty well, I’m not dependent on him for anything aside from the roof over my head which isn’t mine and often feels like I’m an imposter.

I’ve tried organising things and then he either doesn’t want to come or does and makes it miserable and I feel like I’ve forced him. I don’t think there is a solution other than talking it through but I just needed to offload somewhere as feel so lonely!

i return to work in the new year and I wonder if that will give me more of a purpose/drive!

Sounds like a nightmare.

I would get the financial stuff in order then consider leaving.

If you don’t want to get married (understandable), I would look into a civil partnership. Same rights.

It’s madness raising his kid while unmarried and with no claim to your shared home. Is he solely paying the mortgage?

You’re paying half of everything on a house you have no rights to because you are not married?

It’s concerning to me he has an attitude of “I’m alright jack” about your sense of security and your future. Does he not care that if he was in a car accident tomorrow and died that you would become homeless and have to start again because the money that could have been going to your own mortgage was helping pay for his instead?

Even if he has not said so with words, his actions are speaking far louder than words that he is neither committed to you or your future together.

I can see why you would not want to go ahead if he has only agreed under duress with a face like thunder, who wants to live in the same house as someone like that!

Have you been quietly saving so you could have a deposit for a home if he were to suddenly die or dump you for the next new hot piece?
Or does he expect you to put all your money towards him his home and his bills?
Do you have a pension? Since you won’t legally be entitled to this if unmarried and he doesn’t seem the type to share…

Meaness and selfishness and stringing people along is just so wrong. Is his knowing right from wrong compass malfunctioning in other areas of life as well?

Very happy to respond and felt so bad for you as I had to leave someone who was similar to this!

Most men when they are in love will give you the shirt off their back without even thinking about it, let alone leave you with home insecurity!

He is selfish at best, or exploitative and taking advantage of you at worst.
Both are likely ti be true.

One thing is for sure, you have a decision to make and this situation cannot go on, YOU need to secure your future one way or another, he’s certainly not going to help you with that it seems.

How did it come about that you were paying towards a renovation of a house you had no legal rights?
Why was it thought that was more right than those funds remaining in your savings so that you can feel as secure as he does?
Who came up with this idea… not that I don’t have a suspicion who!

Re the organising stuff my partner is the same but to a lesser degree and I hate it. He will go along to things, and has no problem seeing family, but just never ever ever organises an activity or outing by himself without prompting, and back when I still used to get excited about suggesting stuff he would somehow always find some way to dampen it or pick holes in it and basically kill any feeling of pizazz, spontaneity or excitement. It got to the point where I pre-empted feeling deflated when I suggested something, so started asking him to suggest activities to do instead. And he just doesn’t. The moment I take my foot off the pedal, all activity that involves leaving the house stops. Life just feels progressively smaller, drearier and more miserable and like hard work. I do not plan to continue like that indefinitely. Fuck that.

Honestly I would start planning to leave!

Things aren't going to get any better, he won't change, you'll get more & more unhappy with things & it will be harder to turn things round financially the older you get!

Your son's life won't be ruined, he'll be happier with a happy mum who sees friends & family who travels and enjoys new things!

If you don't want to leave yet, just start thinking about it, where would you like to live, how much is it to rent there, what are your childcare options!

Just investigate the art of the possible!

Stop paying half. You live with your landlord. He threatens to kick you out, you tell him Child Support are on speed dial and you'll push for maximum contribution. Either you get on the deed or you move out with your child. Or stay with your landlord.

As for his other behaviour. You've known him for 2 decades. You accepted it by having his kid. He's not changing. Live with it or leave.

I had a friend who got through a similar situation y saving ruthlessly whilst still living with her, and taking on extra part time work. Crucially, she suddenly one day stopped contributing to everything, no longer 50/50, more like £200 month total. She expected him to say something, he didn’t, because this time SHE was the one with a face like thunder, and she had been itching to tell him she was rebalancing the injustices of years past and she TOOK security for herself, rather than asked.

You have the power, it’s only a decision away. I’m furious on your behalf, I hope you will find your anger and give yourself justice and right the wrongs.

As for leaving, because you have a young child, you’ll be topped up for rent with housing benefit and UC if your income level needs that, you won’t be destitute.

Have a look here so you have a more so,I’d idea that there are safety nets out there:

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/