Sisters boyfriend

[Zelda7]

Hi, please can I have your advice. Regarding my mother and my youngest sister. My mother is 67 and my younger sister is 30 who has a 1 year old. However the father of her child has done pretty vile stuff like struggling her while on holidays, walked out on her numerous times, pushed my mother on New Year’s Day, calls my sister every name under the Sun, doesn’t really bother with his son, he causes arguments with my sister purposely just to go out to drink and take drugs. When these situations occur we all really worry about my sister and all rally around her, BUT she always gets back with him and expects everyone to be ok with it and welcome him back into the family, however this time all my mother has asked is not to see her boyfriend over Christmas (every Christmas for 5 years he’s managed to have my sister in tears) nothing is planned over Christmas involving my sister my mother or her boyfriend, my mother has simply said he doesn’t want to see him. However my sister is basically hounding my mother to see him over Christmas and act like everything is fine. It’s causing my mother so much stress. May I add that he walked out on her Saturday just gone , she was beside herself, he was vile, saying how he doesn’t love her etc , however they are back together. Please can I have your honest opinion.

I'd say given he has been actively unpleasant towards your mother that she has every right not to have him in her home. Stick to your guns. Ie Sorry es proved time and again that he can't behave politely and this means he will make the day miserable for all of us. Whilst you are welcome he isn't until he learns to behave.
Obvs you'd rather she left the twat but looks like that won't be happening anytime soon, so it needs to be about his effect on you guys rather than her to make it seem a more balanced decision.

I think that as long as it's clear that your sister herself will always be welcomed and supported, at a certain point you can't go on pretending things are fine and tolerating this abusive man. It's almost enabling her.

Of course, it may play into his hands a bit by making it a choice between family and him. He may delight in the opportunity to isolate her.

Difficult.

You and your Mother have every right to set boundaries with this awful man even if your sister cannot.

I really feel for your sister, being in an abusive relationship is akin, in my opinion, to having some mental health issues. Being that, the perpetrator totally messes with your brain and it’s impossible to see clear and think rationally.

It’s incredibly hard but it’s out of your Mothers control and all she can do is say no to having that man around her. The thing is, she may lose her daughter because of this boundary which is what makes it so hard. But no one can make your sister see sense, she’ll only do that when she’s ready.

Your sister isn't thinking straight, has probably been gaslighted, and is certainly afraid of her boyfriend.

This kind of "stockholm syndrome" situation is very common.

You and your mother need to make it absolutely clear that the boyfriend is not welcome in your homes because he is an abuser.

Tell her it is entirely her decision if she wants to stay in a horrible abusive relationship but you will have no part of it.

Direct her towards Woman's Aid and The Freedom Programme. And send her the details of her local Women's Shelter.

The sister has as many brains as every other human on the planet, she is choosing not to use th

Because of her choice she will be tied with him forever, other people do not have to be

I would not be around him, and she needs to own her choice.

I am sick of this 'your just a mere woman you don't know what you are dping'

Your mum needs ti stick to her guns. On one hand this man is in your sister's life at the moment so it can feel hard to cut him out without appearing to cut her out too. On the other hand Christmas is a single event and you can totally insist that he is not invited at this particular event. It doesn't mean your mum is saying she will never see this msn. Just thst she will not see him this Christmas

He assaulted your Mum. I think she’s got every right to set her boundaries. I’m surprised she’d agree to have any contact with him at all.

Agree with PP that you should be directing your sister to agencies that may be able to help her see the situation as it really is

Your sister is terrified because this situation is only going to go one way for her.

Obviously she needs to leave this prick, but it's never that straightforward, is it?

I think your mum is absolutely right to set a boundary - it must be awful to see your daughter upset every single Christmas & have your own ruined.
I also think she's right, because if everyone keeps enabling his bullshit, his bullshit will continue.
It's also at a cost to herself - I'm sure your mum hasn't made this decision lightly, or without consisting what it means for the family.

But I do really feel for your sister - she's clearly deeply troubled & up to her neck in it with an abuser. But she needs to chose to leave.

Keep lines open with her, keep checking in. Stand your ground with him.

It's not about the victim of domestic abuse being "a mere woman", it's about the psychological effects of abuse on a person.

Kudos to your mum

boundaries and all that

no why should her Xmas be ruined ? And she risk assault
Yes it’s hurting your sister but she’s going to be hurt anyway