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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband issues

10 replies

Ladybirdlili · 21/12/2023 23:06

Hi
I'm new to these forums so I apologise if I'm down with the lingo. I could do with a bit of advice
Me and my husband have been together since we were 15. We have had our ups and downs but majority get on fine. We have a teenager and a 3 year old.
. He is a good worker but it is like it's his life. He lives to work rather than works to live. Over the last few years I have become less of a priority. I work part time and do mostly everything including the kids. Worse is that my son has mentioned that dad isn't present anymore.
I feel that he doesn't love me anymore as a partner. There's a few things that make me feel this way and I'm open and have previously said to him that his lack of effort makes me feel unwanted with him apologising and saying he will make an effort
For example...
We've just done the Xmas food shopping and he's walking next to me on his phone whilst I'm pushing the heavy trolley, same at the tills. I'm full of cold and had to nearly beg him to help me.
He never makes effort to arranging lunch or going out together. I made a reservation for a posh lunch last month which had to cancel as he forgot to book the time off. He never takes holiday as work is too busy, but other people take holiday in his job. I can't rely on him for anything, last month my car broke down and I didn't know what to do so rang him and he didn't answer.( Learnt lesson I do now know what to do and who to call) when he says he will pick kids up he later says he can't so I have to rush my work to collect them.
I can't help but feel insecure and I'm not like this normally but over the last year it's been creeping up on me and hurts my heart.
I'm sorry I'm not good at wording things.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 21/12/2023 23:30

Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship and family life. Ultimatum time. Either he commits and makes an effort or he leaves. Give him 3 months and stick to it. If he doesn't shape up, ship him out.

category12 · 22/12/2023 07:53

Sounds like you're nearly a single parent already.

If he doesn't want the relationship to end when challenged on it, does he make an effort for a while, or is it all just words?

Would he be amenable to relationship counselling?

DustyLee123 · 22/12/2023 07:58

You’ve reached the resentment stage. If he doesn’t do something about it, it’s over. You’d be better going it alone, that way you have no expectations of anyone else, and you’ll do it your way.

Ladybirdlili · 22/12/2023 09:56

We talked about counselling before but we don't have the money for it. This is another strain to it all. I have no idea what I'd do about money too

OP posts:
WhenIsSpringg · 22/12/2023 15:13

Have you made a list of pros and cons?
This will help clarify your thoughts.
It will also help you distill which things are priorities for you, and which things are less important.

I left a partner who had checked out and wouldn’t help me - I felt very unsafe one evening and asked ex to walk me home, ex would not do so… that was the final straw and nail in the coffin.

I had been financially reliant on ex, when it ended I was on benefits and living nearly as poor as a church mouse. Yet I was far more at peace than I had been in years. And I no longer had to live with someone who hurt my heart on a daily basis.

Feeling dependent zaps you of power and confidence.
Living with someone who does not care for you can affect your mental and physical health, this also blocks you from levelling up and meeting someone kinder.

Money isn’t everything, but peace is.

Good luck and hugs to you. Keep posting. 💐

cerisepanther73 · 22/12/2023 15:23

@Ladybirdlili

Hi

No problem if you can't afford counselling at the moment,
as there are interesting YouTube videos on how 🤔 to improve relantships ect,

aswell as Podcasts too,

you can also look up books new or pre-owned second books on the same topic...

cerisepanther73 · 22/12/2023 15:24

Typo omission online

WhenIsSpringg · 22/12/2023 15:33

I’m not sure if this works in a relationship where your partner doesn’t care about your wellbeing… but it’s a good place to learn about healthy relationships.

Very well respected and backed up by studies:

https://www.gottman.com

Turn Towards Instead of Away

How do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

WhenIsSpringg · 26/12/2023 09:49

Are you feeling better from your cold? How was Christmas?

YouStupidGirl · 26/12/2023 17:51

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