Very early signs in a relationship / friendship that someone is going to cheat in their next relationship

[millymog11]

Acknowledging that the above is very hypothetical and the situation can be very different for any different set of people who first meet each other, what do you think from your experience are the earliest signs that someone is likely to cheat on you sooner or later (by later I mean they have the capacity to even marry you and be with you for decades but then still cheat)?

So both extremes - someone you have just met who you will have short term fling with or someone who ticks the vast majority of your boxes, seems stable, seems responsible, has a track record of being reliable etc but then years on goes onto cheat and looking back the signs were there?

Its a cliche but to kick things off the obvious ones:

• A history in previous relationships of cheating, and no reflection / personal accountability for that
• Someone who lies in general - I would say even small lies to "keep the peace"

And here is the controversial bit. In long term relationships someone where their childhood role model cheated and they as a child lived with the consequences (so on a subconscious level they think it is a "thing" or minimise the idea of it as something negative)

From your personal experience what were the biggest or most unusual red flags early on which you ignored and now acknowledge were a sign that someone was going to cheat?

Here is a funny one to lighten the tone a bit - I got close to a guy chatting for a few months and (nothing overtly sexual but a lot of chemistry in chat between us) one day in conversation he just said to me "I am a bastard" without warning and without any context. On reflection i think he was trying to warn me. Late he told me he was seeing someone else at the same time so I ended it).

Anyone got any other early on signs that someone (a man in my case) is going to be cheater?

When they tell you they're bad news/not ready/not sure what they're looking for, steer clear, no matter how into you they seem.

(Equally if they are behaving badly or flakily listen to the behaviour, not them telling you how gorgeous /interesting/sexy you are).

If they're with something else while starting something with you, steer clear.

Basically anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or confused is a red flag.

"If they're with something else while starting something with you, steer clear."

Yes I agree. I think the problem comes in the new "dating landscape" in that online coaches/influences encourage both men and women to date non exclusively which is conflated with "taking it slowly to get to know you" ideas. Men still take that as having sex with multiple women at the same time in the early days where the woman / women in question think they are genuinely being considered for an exclusive relationship by those men (often they are not?) Men don't navigate those situations particularly well.

However if someone comes out with "I am a bastard" or "I am not ready for a relationship" or something like that I would tell my younger self now "believe them". Do not imagine that getting them to agree to be exclusive with you will automatically make them ready for a relationship or make them faithful.

Not that I have met him (they are probably like fairy dust, I don't know, I have not been actively looking) but I think a man with a lot of self discipline (in his career, personal life, sports, hobbies etc) might be a good early sign that he is able to reject other women should the opportunity arise / come his way to cheat? Do you agree?

If one have to analyse this much then it's a non-starter anyway isn't it? It's just too heavy a focus. As if one would be consumed with watching a man to calculate if he'll cheat. Which would be highly annoying for him. Relationship killer. Theres absolutely no guarantee either way that a man will or won't cheat, it doesnt matter if 100 reasons come up why he will or won't. Men who seem to have it all including a beautiful and loving wife, still cheat. There are those who have all that, and don't cheat.

Anyway early signs are normally blatant but so many women ignore the red flags waving right in front of their face. The most a woman can do in pursuing relationship is feel the fear and do it anyway, and don't hang around if it starts going wrong.

If you even have to wonder or ask the question, you already have your answer. They're either a cheater / not to be trusted / you're not ready for a relationship.

As for signs, surely those are obvious

I can see why you suggest discipline in a career might suggest a disciplined approach to relationships but I don’t think it follows.

Some jobs that require discipline are notorious for infidelity - the emergency services for example

I'm not looking before I even started. I guess its more a case of what are the most common signs which a third party bystander might point out which the person who is falling into infatuation / lust / whatever might either totally not see or (more likely) see and quickly dismiss.

I also think a propensity to not being able to decide in the face of a lot of appealing choices (eg going to a restaurant where the choice of excellent food is a very wide choice) indicates a likelihood not to be faithful. You have got to eat because your body needs food but you would rather sample loads of different things and make yourself sick/feel unsatisfied at the end of it than miss out.

(I guess a better analogy could be internet dating and the different approaches people take to that but that is more problematic because everyone who starts of on a dating site has a bit of plenty-more-fish-in-the-sea mentality to some extent).

I think what I am trying to say is that someone who is unusually impulsive and also has a big fear-of-missing-out in other areas of life would give me cause to be a bit wary (but I admit I would not assume if they only had those traits that they were definitely going to cheat, just that it would in my mind be more likely)

Following lots of women on social media.

Talking incessantly about a female friend or alternatively keeping her almost a secret

Eyeing up other women in public

I also think never seeing things thro to the end in other things in their life which they say in words they really want to do or are passionate to complete/make happen is quite a bad sign.

I know someone above said you cannot extrapolate what someone does in other parts of their life into their romantic life and patterns but I do think there is a cross over.

I think there are quite a few people (in my experience men but it could be anyone) who say they want a long term exclusive committed relationship and even go through the motions for a while but the truth of the matter is that they really don't and they often end up being what used to be politely called "an eternal batchelor" because deep down that is genuinely what they want and the women in their lives have been kidding themselves (although sometimes the man has been kidding the woman more than she has been untruthful to herself)

I want to cite Leo Decaprio here but I don't feely like I should because I have never seen anything in the press to suggest he was genuinely serious and committed to for a long time and professed openly that he was rejecting all other women in favour of her only to dump her for someone else. But even if there was a woman in his history like that I would still say the signs were there notwithstanding he appeared to be a changed man.

The older I get the more I think peoples basic personalities are formed in their teenage years, cemented by repetition in their 20s and maybe early 30s and not much changes in terms of their likelihood or not to do stuff thereafter (eg cheat on their significant other). I say that as someone with traits about myself I hate but acknowledge I have my own patterns (in my case, a pattern of getting into relationships where I am cheated on, I hate it about myself but there is a pattern and it started in my late teens and that is on me). I honestly think some things people are extremely highly likely to never change about themselves.

I guess I can understand wanting to avoid this, especially if it's happened a few times. At the same time, this is also about who is most likely to be a long term faithful partner. Here are some of my observations based on my various experiences:

Men who cheat:
-Mention their ex-girlfriends or past relationships when, if you really think about it, wasn't completely necessary. Many times, this is some form of triangulation.
-Very intense in the beginning.

Men who cheat and/or unlikely to ever commit:
-They are older and have never been married or in a long term committed relationship
-Are egocentric, talk a lot about themselves
-The need for female friends. One woman isn't enough because they need the attention.

Men who are good, faithful, decent, won't cheat:
-Have their own strong sense of right and wrong. They are independent and don't follow the crowd. This will mostly be apparent from their actions, rather than their words - they won't need to broadcast it.
-They show, they don't sell themselves to you.
=Patient and empathetic.
-Their eyes barely stray; they're not interested in anyone else
-They are respectful and attentive, invested.

Tbh I think you're looking at this the wrong way and asking the wrong question. The question should be, what is a decent, loving man like? The being faithful part will just be naturally built into him; you won't be left to wonder.

Firefly2009 · Today 19:05
that is really interesting, thank you for posting I think you are right on many of those things.

They have demonstrated that they have the ability to lie about other things.

General low morals, eg stealing, taking someone’s car without permission, deliberately ripping someone off.

Triangulation, allowing other women significance, going along with flirting etc.

Impulsive, easily bored, wants to be out doing things on their terms.

For me personally, it was the other person saying very early on, completely unprompted, that they were a committed person who didn’t sleep around.
I remember thinking at the time it was weird because we weren’t talking about that subject & he had no reason to say it. Turns out it was a massive lie and he did cheat and had in all of his previous relationships. Wisdom with age and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Interesting thread. I'm not sure I agree with all the replies. For one, I think you can be a poor husband but not a cheater. I think these things might be warning signs:

• used prostitutes previously
• had a lot of one night stands / short relationships
• cheated in the past
• unstable family backgrounds, parents /siblings divorced etc
• high sex drive
• looks around at other women
• a risk taker, gets high on adrenaline
• no strong moral code such as religion, family values etc
• likes a lot of attention, being the centre
• a jealous type
• big drinker/ drug user
• gets touchy with people when drunk- his friends would know this but might not tell you!
• misogynist
• lacks empathy

I also think that some people have an affair almost as an out, when they've already checked out mentally from a relationship. This is cowardice and awful but I think is a different type of person to a serial cheater who gets off on the thrill and basically thinks it is fine to cheat.

From experience I would say an ability to compartmentalise - work, friends, parents etc. Shown by not being that close to family, having them in a "compartment" and not appearing to think about/ connect with them often, same attitude to old friends, work etc.
Makes it easier to live a double life.

I agree with all of the above which I think are very astute.

I also agree with the compartmentalisation comment above.

I would phrase it as an ability to justify stuff generally, so if they (or someone else) does something which on the face of it is wrong by any objective measure but that person is very quick to justify it (and not in a more naieve kind of trying to be kind about a friend way) in other words being open to being persuaded that something is ok - that is a sign they might be open to the idea of cheating.

I am sure I saw a statistic somewhere that if a number of your friends start getting divorced then the risk of you getting divorced increases. I am sure something similar happens when one of your friendship circle or family cheats and it is someone you admire or at least did not dislike in the first place. People who show signs of being influenced in their interpretation of that would be a sign they might do it too I guess.

I have only one experience of literally being cheated on (that I know about).
I will tell you about this guy and what the signs were. But, he was also a sociopath, so there's that. And, like someone else pointed out, a person's overall behaviour doesn't necessarily equate with them cheating later on.
This one was always going to happen though. You can put this one in the category of "will likely cheat early on because they're not a nice person"

• Talked about ex-girlfriend early on. Made out she was still chasing him. (This is who later claimed to cheat on me with, and he did so out of spite because I called him out for assaulting me)
• Very close to his mother, who had died. He'd visit her grave and talk to her, be very upset, etc.
• Professional victim. Very immature, even though he was nearly 2 decades older. Very manipulative
• The rest of his family barely spoke to him. I never found out why. (I mean it's obvious but I don't know exactly what transpired).
• Constantly pushed or ignored boundaries. (He later assaulted me).
• Signs of drug use. I suspected cocaine.
• Couldn't explain properly why his one long term partner had left him. He either didn't really know, or was lying.
• Very sweet, affectionate and charming, to the point of endearing.
• Not argumentative, just sulked.
• Passive-aggressively angry, punishing and dramatic.
• Got fired from several jobs, including the one when I was with him.
• Signs of criminal activity, or something very strange going on. Kept his fridge and hot water permanently off, but could afford to run a car and eat out. Home was a wreck from the 1980s. It was bizarre. His only hobby was to go on long drives.
• Would copy lines from movies in order to have conversations. Or allude to such things in order to frame what stage our relationship was at, or what he might be feeling.
• Spent excessive amounts of time building his biceps, because "he knew women liked that". But completely ignored the rest of his body and he had a big beer gut.
• He was also delusional. He suffered from ED; when I gently pointed it out to try and discuss it, he said that he didn't have a problem and that he was always perfectly hard.
• Compulsive liar. I don't think he even knew what the difference was between truth and lies.
• No conscience. But luckily for me, not much intelligence either.

My feeling is, that if you find a decent man and they love you, they are not going to cheat. So basically choose someone who is the complete opposite of this guy. LOL

At the end of the day, if a decent man is somehow going to cheat, there's no way of spotting it or of preventing it.

But I would go with character, rather than trying to spot signs.

I think you're not seeing the wood for the trees. Analysing to this degree "justifies other people's bad behaviour", misses the point. You wouldn't choose to be with someone like that anyway, if the bar is set high for finding a lovely, decent man. If you do that, you won't need to worry about stuff like this.

Many men who are not lovely nor decent do go around advertising themselves as such tho because they know that is what most women want.

Some do it recklessly or make a half arsed attempt at appearing to be nice, some are fully blown psychopaths who engineer a whole persona akin to being a professional conman, and then there is everything in between.

The fact they don't actually behave in a lovely nor decent way and don't really care that they don't is the reason for this thread.

Yes, but a decent man won't advertise himself.

Liars sell

It's about getting accustomed to recognising who is genuine and who isn't. If you focus on the red flags of the type of person who might cheat, you will be looking in the wrong direction.

Someone who is always trying to seek approval because parents expectations of them were very high. Eldest child, academic. The constant need for this approval and validation from the spouse is harder to satisfy after a decade of marriage and so they seek it elsewhere through an affair partner.

There are some people in this world who would never cheat even if tempted, or even if they wanted to.

I've known such people. I try to hold them in my mind and think about what makes them that way. Then focus on that.

You won't forget red flags. But you'll feel them rather than having to think about it, and then you'll be instantly out of there because you're searching for someone better.

But, I should add, I think that's the best you can do.

You can't predict beyond that. And if someone cheats, you leave and find someone else.

Unless they are a player or obviously married and sniffing around, I don't think you can tell. I doubt that any single people get together with other single people with the intention of cheating "somewhere down the line". It just happens - they get their head turned, for whatever reason, and don't have the moral strength or compass to say no, or at the very least, end their current relationship first.