Hi all, I have a bit of a relationship I need to unpack and don’t really know how else to do it…
The entire story would take up about 2 days of reading but I am summarising the main issue I am currently grappling with…
So about 15 years ago my parents split, Dad walked out as not happy, very messy dragged on for years no real closure for anyone but ended up with divorce. I went through stages of anger, no contact, reconciliation, low contact and getting on with my life. I see him on average about twice a year but the last time was last summer and we have had a few phone calls this year. He is very wrapped up in his own world, very rarely contacts me out the blue unless it is someones birthday. He has a few mental health issues which I learned about after he left and I am fairly sympathetic to, but they cant excuse some of the behaviour I think I have put up with. He has met my wife about 5 times in the 6 years we have been together (this includes my sisters and my own wedding) and has made ZERO effort with her side of the family.
So, onto the main issue…wife is pregnant and we are expecting very soon (couple of weeks), apart from the initial phone call where I told him the news earlier in the year, and the aforementioned phone calls where we talked about it, he has shown exactly ZERO interest in the pregnancy and me and my partners lives. I checked my whatsapp to double check this and there has been literally no questions, checking in, asking how we are AT ALL for 9 months. He has no idea how the pregnancy has been (luckily is has been fine) no idea about scans/hospitals we have had to go to, has not asked whether we need anything/offered anything at all. This all just hit me recently and i am struggling to work out how I feel about it because I have put him at such as distance for so long and not let his actions affect me, but this feels lack of engagement just feels really wrong.
So now you are probably thinking, he sounds pretty shit just go low/no contact and forget about him he clearly is not that bothered. But there are some sticking points that are making it hard for me to do that.
He does had a fairly large side of the family and I have cousins who have a few young children, we used to be closer when we were younger but we have not seem them for many years, I have never met my cousins partners or kids. My dad is basically the conduit to them as I have none of their phone numbers/emails and I barely use social media. I have asked him repeated times to organise a family meet up so we can all spend time together and hopefully build some new relationships but nothing has come of it. I feel like I don’t want to cut my future child off from knowing so many of their relatives at this point. But none of them have reached out either so maybe they are not bothered?
He has also openly told me he has money issues (I asked for the possibility of a small loan earlier in the year) which I wasn’t aware of so I kind of expect him not to offer anything because he is basically skint. But am I just letting him off too easily? I’m not expecting £££ gifts he could literally just buy a teddy bear and that would be fine, it’s the fact he has not even brought it up or seemingly made any effort to think about it that annoys me.
He is pretty wrapped up in his own world, and has forgotten at least one of my birthdays since he left. I found out my nan (his mum) had a pretty big milestone birthday a few months ago and neither me or my sister were invited. (also, my sister has very clearly said she is not having kids so we are his only chance of having grandkids)
I could go on as there is so much more to mention but I don’t really want to get into more specifics.
He still has some time to redeem himself before the baby comes so I trying to prepare myself for him either stepping up a bit or once again not bothering.
So in conclusion, I don’t feel this is black and white enough to be a AIBU but if this was a AIBU what would your advice be…
YANBU – he is lazy, makes no effort, his side of the family clearly aren’t bothered, stop flogging a dead horse, go even more low contact and just leave it.
YABU – he has MH issues and is probably doing all he is capable of, make a bit more effort for the sake of your child potentially having a relationship with more of your family in the future.