When you never made a plan...

[raindropbox]

I got qualified in my field, spent a decade in it, and AI now means it will be obsolete pretty soon. I spent my 20s travelling around from country to country, when I was 29 I thought I was settling down with a guy (in his country) but 6 years later and despite being lovely and someone I felt good with, he was just as shit with money and passive as he was at the start, and I realised we hadn't progressed at all.I thought we would buy a house together, that never happened (cf him being shit with money...)

I'm now back in the UK, I'm 36, and I'm retraining in a different field while continuing to work in my existing one (the money is still good for the time being).

But I just feel so "empty handed". I'm having to start a new career from scratch, I don't own any property, I guess I'm not going to have kids. It's hard because my younger sister works in a high paying field, her career has gone places, she's married, she bought an idyllic home, now she's pregnant. I feel like such a failure in comparison. I feel unstable. I feel like I don't have much to show for the act of living despite having had a lot of experiences.

The guy I spent those 6/7 years with, I love him. He stayed back in his country while I moved back to the UK. It was so hard to do but my MH was badly deteriorating beyond anything I've ever experienced before and I felt I had to cut my losses. But we are doing this weird LDR thing and I just wonder whether it's a bad idea. It's been 7 months now and he's still just as passive as ever.

I wrote a novel and signed with an agent just before lockdown, ultimately she dumped me. I got close to buying a flat by myself in the country I was in but got turned down for the mortgage (think I aimed too high). I just feel like I can't seem to do anything right somehow!

Now as well as retraining I've been volunteering and have been given an exciting opportunity to stretch myself in this voluntary role in a way that will look good on my new CV I think. I'm also lucky in that I have some very good close friends, and none of them have married or had kids so I feel "not alone" in how my life has panned out, which is good. I'm very close to and feel loved by my family, although we are scattered. I feel valued by the people in my life

Sorry for this huge rant! I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I feel really behind and can't figure out how I've gone wrong in the past and what new mindsets I can develop in 2024 to try and maybe take control of my life. I've enjoyed myself but feel like not having a clear vision or plan has done me a disservice... I also can't figure out whether I actually wish things had been different or whether I'm just concerned with how society views me.

Any thoughts or experiences would be welcome :)

I'm afraid this is the downside of traveling and finding yourself; and you have stretched that out a bit. Now that you are well into your thirties the need to catch up and establish yourself has suddenly hit you.

Best thing to do is what you are doing. Stay in one place. Set career and training goals and stick to them until you have achieved them. Once you are (hopefully) established in a decent career you can then focus on a mortgage and your own place.

I don't think it's too late for you; lots of people have a prolonged adolescence nowadays. Your situation is not that unusual. But you do need to call time on your previous lifestyle. You need to focus now and do the work.

If the BF is still transient and wishy washy, and can't comitt to a grown up life -ditch him.

Relax things always work out I didn’t get my shit together until I retrained at 32 first property at 34 baby at 37 now 20 years on I look back and think it’s been ok. I put my son through public school bought a few buy to let’s and even though this year has been the most testing ever it will work out. I travelled through my twenties partied hard modelled a bit spent too much time on idiot men but life has a way of working out you’ll be ok ♥️ and remember no one can take your life away from you what you’ve seen who you’ve met you’ll look back and be glad you didn’t just flatline

You have had a variety of experiences and memories which is good.

You have plenty of time for everything else, (job, house etc) except not so very much time for kids. Working out what you really want in relation to children is the strategic decision you need to make sooner rather than later.

That decision could be:

• I don't want kids
• I do want kids and I'm happy to do that alone
• I do want kids and I want to do that in a relationship

if its the third one then drop the connection to your ex, because you won't be able to form a new relationship while you are still sort of long distancing with him.

I don't think "prolonged adolescence" is fair at all. You've had an interesting life, travelled, worked, loved and made difficult decisions based on being true to yourself.

Don't compare yourself to your sister, or anyone else. Pointless and a theif of joy.

Your family and friends sound lovely, and your volunteer work and retraining sound exciting and new are chapters starting. All good!

Take the above poster's advice about children plans and otherwise carry on as you are! All the best to you you sound interesting, hard working, emotionally literate and great.

You sound well rounded and interesting to me. People don't have cares for life like they did before all the time, and they aren't able to buy houses like they used to be able to.. Your cv will be good and your experience will be great and transferable to lots of other things.

So do your volunteering. Restart your new job. Keep hanging out with your pals and enjoy yourself in the now. The rest will fall into place.

I have a similarly misspent youth behind me. :) Lots of foreign travel, study, no particlarly romantic relationships (unless you count the abusive one which scarred me for life). Changed track at around the age you did. Now early 40s, good job, small but nice home, no debts - no kids though and I have made peace with that.

I've heard somewhere that striving for what you want is not always as important as hanging on to what you have. I do find that very true and comforting when the "might-have-been" thoughts come to the fore. You might as well!

I wanted to say thank you so much for all these generous replies and sharing your stories. What has been bothering me I think is that I didn't actually choose to continue "dicking around", for the last 6/7 years I had actually been trying to put down some roots and get some stability but made the fatal error of hitching my star to the wrong guy. I can't help but feel slightly cheated by that, but reading your posts and talking to some family members during this Christmas break, I'm beginning to feel much more positive and energised for 2024 :)

I think you should end the long distance thing with him you still have going on, free yourself to properly move on from him. He won't change and it's keeping you from being open to someone new. Even if you're not ready for that yet, you never will be if he's still in your headspace.

I think you've done alright: stop living with regrets, figure out what you want for the future and make a plan to get there.

I'm the same age as you and bought my first house last year (well, got a mortgage). I've done nothing interesting in terms of traveling and that's something I bitterly regret. I just lived in a dreary part of the country with no jobs. So I spent 10 years after my undergraduate degree in a mixture of low paid work and then further degrees.

FWIW, now I'm in a job that pays well, I also worry that job will be either made obsolete by AI, or just reduced in value. It's shit. (Oh, and I had a long distance relationship for a few years).

Chin up. You're not the only one who feels like this. I think comparison with your sister doesn't help. He journey actually seems rather strange/accelerated. So she is probably the "odd" one.

The world is literally your oyster OP!!

You have your FREEDOM. I am one year older than you but my day to day life is restricted by my responsibilities.

I don't regret my choices one bit, but neither should you. You can still make choices to suit only yourself and that is powerful.