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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son heard me say I hate him

63 replies

RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 01:46

I can’t sleep. Tonight DS (10) was really misbehaving and being awful to his younger brother. My mum has just passed away as well so emotions are running high. I went into the kitchen and said to DH “You deal with him. I hate that child sometimes”. Except DS had followed me into the room without me knowing and heard what I said. I feel awful. Obviously I didn’t mean I hated him. I hated how he was acting in that moment. I apologised straight away. I told him it was unacceptable for me to speak that way about him. I said I didn’t mean it and that it was said in frustration. I said I was upset with his behaviour but I loved him and always would.
I know I’m the worst mother in the world and expect to be told so. How do I begin to put this right though? What do I do?

OP posts:

Evilcold · 21/12/2023 09:00

Take him out for some one on one time. Apologize again and explain it was a bad time, and you love him and just hated his behavior that time. Let him talk it through and tell him he can talk to you about it again if he needs to.

Andthereyougo · 21/12/2023 09:02

You’ve apologised. That’s enough.
Im sorry for your loss. Grief is shit, it does mess with your head. Now forgive yourself 💐

GimmeSleep · 21/12/2023 09:07

My mum once said to me
"I may not always like you; but I'll always love you"

IFindYouAnnoyingNigel · 21/12/2023 09:20

GimmeSleep · 21/12/2023 09:07

My mum once said to me
"I may not always like you; but I'll always love you"

I think that's an awful thing to say to a child. You keep those thoughts to yourself, and continue to (try to) correct the behaviour that you don't like. I had a very good friend at school whose mum thought she was being really clever to do the "I love you but I don't like you/your behaviour". All her daughter heard was "my mum doesn't like me", and she disliked her mum in return (still does).

What's done is done for the OP. It's extremely unfortunate and nobody on here can know how her relationship is otherwise with her son, or what the family dynamics are generally like. If the family dynamics are generally good and the OP has a generally warm and positive relationship with her son, it will probably not do any lasting damage. But if there are other problems in the mix (sibling rivalry/favouritism; partner who doesn't pull her up on it when she says she hates their son; a generally negative attitude to her son), then it will absolutely cause more damage.

There's not much to be done about it now, though, other than apologise and make sure you don't say it or anything similar again.

FWIW, I had moments of "hating" all of my children. I remember going off into my bedroom and saying "fuckofffuckofffuckofffuckoff" into my pillow. But never to the child.

Baffledandalarmed · 21/12/2023 09:27

OP, you seem to be really focussed on what you said and how it impacts your DS1.

What about how his behaviour impacted DS2? Has he apologised for that or done anything?

What you said wasn’t great, but ultimately if your child is thick skinned enough to move on that’s great. But how is DS2 after being picked on? Must have been pretty awful behaviour for you to react as you did (given you seem to genuinely want to be a good parent I can’t see you saying something so cruel without serious provocation?)

And I am sorry for your loss!

Fundays12 · 21/12/2023 09:29

Don't be hard on yourself. Your struggling and dealt with it right. It shouldn't have been said but you are human and having a hard time. Personally if you haven't it's maybe an idea to be honest with your son that you are struggling and why. Don't scare him by giving to much information but at his age it's not a bad thing for him to learn even adults find things hard to.

InvisibleDuck · 21/12/2023 09:29

Honestly if it's just a frustrated one-off and you've apologised, I wouldn't worry about it. He may or may not remember it in future, but it won't carry more emotional weight than all the other positive (or reasonably critical of bad behaviour) things you say over the years.

My mother used to alternate between 'I wish you'd never been born, you little shit' (and worse) and 'I love you so much I'd die for you' and the bad stuff carried more weight because the love statements seemed so much less sincere and were often manipulative. You are not in that situation and you are not that kind of parent. Be kind to yourself too!

shockthemonkey · 21/12/2023 09:38

Mikimoto · 21/12/2023 07:38

Don't you teach your children never to use the word "hate"? Maybe apply that to the whole household.
You're now going to have to deal with him thinking you prefer the younger sibling.

Nothing wrong with the word "hate". I mean, it has its uses and should not be banned! I strongly believe in children being allowed full lexical reach - with the exception maybe of slurs and swearwords.

Don't get uptight about language. We need all those colourfull and strong words for times of high emotion.

I think you did fine, OP, especially considering the circs. You said you hated him, quickly corrected yourself and explained it to him, and now he has had a valuable lesson at 10, which is, people have their limits and he overstepped.

I honestly do think it's good for young ones to be shocked into the real world from time to time.

Spotsandleopard · 21/12/2023 09:46

That has just reminded me that my Nan used to call me a hateful child, I bet I was hateful at times 😱really just stung when I thought about it 50+ years later!

You handled it great OP

Denimdenimdenim · 21/12/2023 10:06

Sorry about your mum, OP. 💐

Try not to stress, you've done everything you can to rectify.

Don't keep apologising and let it be a lesson learned for DS to be kind to his sibling.

Newuser75 · 21/12/2023 10:20

GimmeSleep · 21/12/2023 09:07

My mum once said to me
"I may not always like you; but I'll always love you"

I think that could be taken to mean that the mother didn't like the child. I think it's very different to I may not always like what you do but I'll always love you.

housethatbuiltme · 21/12/2023 10:26

Do people who are fuming mad suddenly switch it off and grovel to the person they where just furious at?

Sounds weird and not remotely realistic... anyway over apologizing (if you did do it) will sound fake and draw MORE attention too it.

No one ever died from someone saying 'I hate you sometimes'... if thats the honestly the absolute worst your DS faces hes very privileged to have lived in a complete adjusted house with absoloutly zero trauma.

In reality we all grow up with some bad memories of our parents, I doubt in 10 years time this will be the worst thing your DS will say you did... its likely something you don't even remember or didn't even notice doing that hurt most. However if overall you are a decent parent those bad memories will be far outweighed by good ones and barely matter anyway.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 21/12/2023 11:07

RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 08:16

I really expected to be told I was awful - I wasn’t expecting understanding forgiveness or support. It feels so terrible a thing. I won’t bring it up again unless he does. He seemed fine this morning.

Hopefully it will make him think about his behaviour. You have apologised and said that you did not mean it, so he should be fine.

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