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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son heard me say I hate him

63 replies

RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 01:46

I can’t sleep. Tonight DS (10) was really misbehaving and being awful to his younger brother. My mum has just passed away as well so emotions are running high. I went into the kitchen and said to DH “You deal with him. I hate that child sometimes”. Except DS had followed me into the room without me knowing and heard what I said. I feel awful. Obviously I didn’t mean I hated him. I hated how he was acting in that moment. I apologised straight away. I told him it was unacceptable for me to speak that way about him. I said I didn’t mean it and that it was said in frustration. I said I was upset with his behaviour but I loved him and always would.
I know I’m the worst mother in the world and expect to be told so. How do I begin to put this right though? What do I do?

OP posts:
LadyGwendoline · 21/12/2023 07:49

You’re hardly the worst mother in the world, if you reduce the dramatics in your thoughts you'll be calmer all round and maybe see an improvement in family dynamics. You’ve apologised, simply show going forward that you truly didn’t mean it.

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 21/12/2023 07:57

He's just lost his gran, and he's 10. Of course he might act out. He's not a little shit as someone else called him.

I don't think there's anything else you can do - you've apologised and explained. Either he will get over it or he won't. Except next time, walk away from the situation much, much earlier if the kids are playing up. Dp needs to take the strain of dealing with the bad behaviour.

And that "i love you but not your behaviour" thing is bollocks. Either you love him or you don't. His behaviour IS him. You can't place conditions on your loving him to be only when he's being good.

Mariposistaa · 21/12/2023 08:01

So sorry for the loss of your mum…

You have apologized. Now move on. You are clearly not a bad mother as you are feeling so bad. You are under huge pressure and his behavior was appalling. Learn from it and all will be better next time.

Friedfriedplantain · 21/12/2023 08:02

Don't you teach your children never to use the word "hate"? Maybe apply that to the whole household.
You're now going to have to deal with him thinking you prefer the younger sibling.

hyperbolic

if you reduce the dramatics in your thoughts you'll be calmer all round

shitty thing to say to someone whose mother has just died.

Channellingsophistication · 21/12/2023 08:02

You are not a terrible mum, you dealt with it well and explained.

Sorry for your loss.

Friedfriedplantain · 21/12/2023 08:03

And that "i love you but not your behaviour" thing is bollocks. Either you love him or you don't. His behaviour IS him.

That's a ridiculous statement.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 21/12/2023 08:09

He will remember that for life, it will always stay with him. I know because I heard my own mother say the same thing about me. Our relationship was never the same and I don’t have anything to do with her as an adult.

Original poster
RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 08:13

MorningSunshineSparkles · 21/12/2023 08:09

He will remember that for life, it will always stay with him. I know because I heard my own mother say the same thing about me. Our relationship was never the same and I don’t have anything to do with her as an adult.

How was your relationship outside of this comment? Is there anything she could do to put it right? I am worried about it having a longer term affect on him and am desperate to mitigate the impact for him as much as I can. He’s always suffered from anxiety so I am aware of the damage it could do.

OP posts:
BeardyButton · 21/12/2023 08:15

The advice to not apologise is terrible. Of course apologise.

please don’t let this worry you so much. Realise that you are showing your chn how coping with awful situations doesn’t “look” like in the movies. It is messy and horrific. Own up to it. Apologise. And move on. Doubling down and justifying it, will only teach him to justify his own shitty behaviour. And there will be shitty behaviour. He is human. As are you!

Original poster
RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 08:16

I really expected to be told I was awful - I wasn’t expecting understanding forgiveness or support. It feels so terrible a thing. I won’t bring it up again unless he does. He seemed fine this morning.

OP posts:
muddyford · 21/12/2023 08:18

My beloved grandfather died when I was 10. He is old enough to know that you will be devastated and that in those circumstances people say things that aren't quite what they mean. You have apologised and explained. Leave it behind.

FlamingoQueen · 21/12/2023 08:19

Do not beat yourself up over this! Sit down with him this morning and say that you have been going through a really tough time with the loss of your Mum (I’m sorry for your loss) and that his behaviour did not help at all. You don’t hate him, but you didn’t like his behaviour and it made you sad.
This could be a good chance to talk about compassion for others when they are going through a difficult time (that was not meant in a judgey way, I am still teaching my teenagers this!).

BeardyButton · 21/12/2023 08:22

I wish you hadn’t put this on mn! These women will have your guts. He will NOT remember this for life.

the fact you are so worried about this is indicative of the fact you love him. Loving relationships are not Disney esque. They include instances of shitty behaviour. This was shitty. So show him you know that. Tell him what you hated was not HIM it was how his behaviour made you feel and that you feel awful right now for a number of reasons. Tell him you are sorry for saying this - it’s and awful thing to say. And cuddle him and love him. If he remembers this comment, he will remember it in the context of a loving relationship that had its ups and downs. He will remember how you dealt with this mistake .

SophieinParis · 21/12/2023 08:24

I remember one of my parents saying something similar when I was younger. I knew at the time they didn’t mean it. I didn’t believe it. I mean I was upset as it seemed quite intense, but I knew it was just a thing they said as they were cross. We have a normal nice relationship now, and always have done. Literally no side effects from that argument! Don’t worry!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 21/12/2023 08:26

It was said in a moment of frustration, to which you are particularly vulnerable because you are grieving. I don't know your DS of course but most children of that sort of age are capable of putting what happened in context and understanding that what is blurted out in those circumstances is not to be taken as a serious, considered comment.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 21/12/2023 08:26

@RustyBouquet it didn’t recover, and there wasn’t anything she could do to put it right because she meant what she said. If you didn’t then he needs to feel that, kids can internalise stuff like that.

You’re not a bad person, you’re not a bad mum. We all say shit we don’t mean when we are struggling (and you’ve just lost your own mum so I can imagine you are quite a lot atm). If he feels like you love him the majority of the time things will likely be ok. I’m sorry if my first comment came across as blunt, that is my experience of that but that’s not to say it’s yours and your DC.

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/12/2023 08:27

How did he react?

WishIMite · 21/12/2023 08:28

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree not to mention it but maybe talk about how sad you are about your mum’s death and how it makes you feel. It might help them with empathy. Xxx

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 21/12/2023 08:29

Ouch, do you talk like that usually?
Because if you do, it won't make such a difference. If he's normalised mum saying she hates things she doesn't particularly like often it's not so bad as you only ever saying you hate one thing, him.

But don't sweat it. Tell him adults get frustrated sometimes, you didn't mean it, and you won't say it again.

Topseyt123 · 21/12/2023 08:38

And that "i love you but not your behaviour" thing is bollocks. Either you love him or you don't. His behaviour IS him. You can't place conditions on your loving him to be only when he's being good.

That's utter bollocks. We all have various different moods and display many different behaviours, some good and some not. That's why you can love someone without liking the way they are behaving.

I would bet that most of us didn't like our tantrumming toddlers. We still loved the child/person they were though, took care of them and protected them.

Indifferentchickenwings · 21/12/2023 08:47

You are not the worst Mother!

please don’t say that , right now you need to be extra kind to yourself

as a PP said carry on as normal as a loving mum

im very sorry for your loss xxxx

Rowen32 · 21/12/2023 08:48

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 21/12/2023 07:57

He's just lost his gran, and he's 10. Of course he might act out. He's not a little shit as someone else called him.

I don't think there's anything else you can do - you've apologised and explained. Either he will get over it or he won't. Except next time, walk away from the situation much, much earlier if the kids are playing up. Dp needs to take the strain of dealing with the bad behaviour.

And that "i love you but not your behaviour" thing is bollocks. Either you love him or you don't. His behaviour IS him. You can't place conditions on your loving him to be only when he's being good.

But sometimes we don't like the behaviour, some behaviour is not likeable, that goes both ways as in there's things we'll do they won't like..

Genuinely interested in your opinion as it's different to what you usually hear.

How do you deal with behaviour you don't like? Or to phrase it better - behaviour that's unacceptable?

Usernamechange1234 · 21/12/2023 08:48

Oh sweetie he’ll get over it, probably faster than you think.

Children know they are loved by consistent, daily actions, they don’t automatically feel unloved by a negative comment during a period of stress. My mum constantly told me she wanted my to go to boarding school because I was so awful when I was younger (I was a nightmare) but I knew she loved me so much because away from her stressed out comments she is the most consistently loving mum in the world!

He may be ten but he understands that you are in pain and he knows you, he knows the mum you are! Please don’t fret!

JonnyTheDogFacedBoy · 21/12/2023 08:53

I think you dealt with it well tbh. I understand the guilt though. My 13 year old overheard me say to my dh "can you deal with him please? He's acting like a dick and I'm about to lose it."

Tbf, he was acting like a dick, and regularly does since becoming a teen, but I regret him hearing it at this age. When he's older, I'm sure we will be able to reminisce about his dickishness as a teen, but him hearing it now made him feel like I don't like him.

You apologised better than I did. Just spend some quality time with him today and make sure to praise him if he does something nice/kind.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/12/2023 08:58

No point beating yourself up over something you can't take back. Just make sure that you tell him and show him that you love him. When he acts up, emphasize that you dislike his behaviour, not him as a person.

I had the classic "I wish I was never born!" "So do I!" exchange with my Mum in my early teens, now I just look back and think I really was a little shit at times, no wonder she lost her rag!