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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lost my bestfriend after having my baby.

8 replies

G7yaia · 21/12/2023 01:41

My baby girl is 6 months now. Before having her me and my best friend saw each other every weekend whilst in school and when we left (3 years ago). I’m nearly 19 and when deciding to keep my baby girl I knew it would affect our friendship a little as I would be moving in with my partner full time ect. The day after I had her she came to see her and she hasn’t had many babies in her family she is an only child so I knew she wouldn’t exactly bond straight away with her. I spent most of my pregnancy with her and she watched my baby girl grow and kick me more than anyone. But ever since I’ve had her things changed. I just thought she was struggling with not been able to just see me when she wants which is not true nothing has stopped her from coming to my house when she wants and I have a lot of help with babysitters so I can go out without the baby anytime if that was an issue. I tried my best to make the effort in the beginning but not driving and with her working and doing college it was hard to find a time to see each other but we made it work like we always did. But for the past few months she has just been so on and off with me I ask her what she’s doing when she’s free and she will say I’ll check when I’m home from work never gets back to me. Ask her to come out and she says she has no money but then goes out the next day? We had a fall out in the beginning as she was been off with me and I mentioned it and in these messages she said ‘don’t forget who was there for you when you was pregnant’. So I just feel like she uses that against me and to be quite honest I would rather her of been here for me now when I need friends the most. I have been given anti depressants and don’t leave the house unless I have to. My partner works 12 hour days as an apprentice so by the time he’s home it’s bath and bed. I just feel so lonely and yes I have other friends who have really made the effort to see me and bond with my baby. But I am just so hurt that she just doesn’t even seem to care. Yesterday I said something to her about something she did and she basically just laughed at me. I just blocked her on everything. I don’t even feel like I need to explain myself to her. She hasn’t tried to contact me (obviously she is blocked but if she wanted to she could of got in contact). Feel like arguing with her is just childish and I don’t have the energy. Just don’t understand how she just doesn’t seem to care. Within this time of me having my child she has got a new bestfriend same name as me lol and a boyfriend in this time but never any time to just come see me or me to go see her? It’s not asif I’m her first friend to have a child either she used to stay at a girls house who had a baby for years until they fell out. Just feel so replaced and lost and I get how she could feel from her side of things but we already spoke about that in the beginning. Another thing to prove how she was just being funny I asked her if we should book a holiday for my 19th and she said she couldn’t afford, the weekend after she booked to go with her other bestfriend for literally THE WEEK AFTER! And when she says she has no money I don’t understand how she is a lash tech and does make alot and if she told her parents it was to see me they would more than happily give her money so it’s just an excuse. I think I’ve made enough effort as I possibly could and yes me having a child shouldn’t change things but it does I don’t drive so travelling/bus/taxi to hers isn’t always ideal but everytime we have met since it has been me making the effort to go see her not the other way round. I accept communication between us could of been better but it’s hard when you just receive monotone messages back. I can tell her mood from her text messages don’t know if anyone else understands where I’m coming from when I say that. To be honest I don’t know what I expect from writing this just wanted to get it all out and see what any of you think or if you’ve experienced the same thing. I knew I would loose friends when having my baby but I never expected this to happen. I know we are young and it may seem childish but hope some of you relate. It’s just hard when she was my bestfriend and I don’t really have any mum friends so feel like nobody can relate to me my age at all. Still have a lot of my stuff at hers that she messaged me the other week saying ‘ are you coming to get these clothes or not because they are just in a pile on the floor’ I know that’s a bit irrelevant but considering she didn’t care about them been there when she asked to wear some of them the week before I just feel like that was very bitchy. Am I taking things too personally, I don’t know if it’s me pushing people away. I’m still going to have to collect the clothes which I already know she’s going to be awkward about because she’s obviously so busy.

OP posts:
StBrides · 21/12/2023 02:45

Friendship breakups can be more painful than relationship breakups so it's natural to feel the way you do.

I think you need to accept the friendship is over. Granted, its hard to move on and doubly painful when you don't know why - the hurt and sense of betrayal is great. It won't stop hurting straight away, but time is a healer.

I understand you're lonely right now but give it time, you will make new friends with whom you share more and those new friendships will help to heal the hurt.

Make arrangements to collect your things and keep communication short & polite, and to the point.

Give yourself time to grieve and know that as you settle into motherhood your life will grow again.

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 05:53

She's in a different place to you and the friendship doesn't work for her anymore. She is also treating you poorly and you are better off with out her. It's normal to feel upset at the loss. Give it time and focus on the people in your life who do support you

Landlubber2019 · 21/12/2023 06:10

I had a best friend S, but when I met my partner I was dumped. Looking back she had a lot of close friends but they all seemed to be dumped when they met partners, I was just one of many sadly. Whilst I would have happily maintained our friendship as well as a relationship, she needed exclusivity and that didn't sit well with me. Disappointing but you need to be grateful for the friendship it was, it worked but less so now and see if you can make new friendships.

MilkChocolateCookie · 21/12/2023 06:11

It's sad when friendships end, but it sounds like this one has run its course. Focus on finding new friends. Can you take your baby to baby groups and meet local mums?

converseandjeans · 21/12/2023 08:31

I think your life has moved in a different direction to hers & she wants a friend with no responsibilities.

You need to find some other young Mums. You won't do that if you never go out the house with the baby. It's also good for the baby to get out & meet other babies.

I think you're focusing too much energy on her & need to think more about the baby. Surely you need to go on a family holiday rather than a girls holiday.

If you have money to go away you could always use that to learn to drive. That would give you much more freedom.

Ghentsummer · 21/12/2023 08:40

On the holiday point, do you realise she could have already committed to the holiday with the other friend even if it wasn't booked? It doesn't mean she was lying to you about what she could afford. Why jump to such a negative conclusion about someone you claim you like?

PolizeiobermeisterWache · 21/12/2023 08:59

Lives change. Some friendships just last for a certain stage, others survive for longer. A very few survive for life.
Having a baby is a shock. A huge huge life change. For many, it is a time of making new friends who are at the same life stage as you and you all get through it together. You would really benefit from getting out --to stay and play groups etc- even if DD just lies on a mat at the moment- in order to meet other mums and make new friends and a support network.

When my older siblings had babies, that was ALL they could talk about. Baby baby baby baby baby. Well, that and how tired they were- and moaning about their OH going back to work. I was so bored with it all. Then when I had my 1st child.... that was ALL I could talk about. It was such a shock and I was totally consumed and immersed (and had PND too).

You and your friend are at different life stages. I understand that you're hurt. You perceive her as changing... but it's you that had changed- and she is reacting to it. Try and navigate the end of the closeness with integrity (it doesn't HAVE to be the end of the friendship altogether- that's your choice)

TheOccupier · 21/12/2023 11:09

This was long and hard to read without paragraph breaks... it is hard to lose a friendship but most 18 yos are not interested in babies. It sounds like you were ready to be more grown up, living with partner and having a baby, and maybe you need to find some new friends with whom you have more in common. Are there any young mums' groups where you live? Maybe your health visitor would know of some, or maybe there's something at your local church (you don't have to be religious).

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