Please read and give your opinion

[Sera9]

Hello!

I hope this makes sense.
I’m in need of perspective and advice from others please.
I’m a step mum to three boys and mum to one ( previous relationship).
My husband thinks nothing of talking to step kids independently and seeing them independently ( often months without me seeing or speaking to them). His youngest we have every other weekend- although it’s not set in stone.
i feel really left out of this little group of ‘them’ and have tried to say that we should be seeing eachother all together and be a proper step family. I am constantly trying to encourage the kids to come over but mum is not a fair player to be honest; the teenage kids aren’t bothered, plus he doesn’t push to have the teenage ones.
Recently, we have had a failed IVF cycle and it has hurt me that my husband refers to his youngest ( 8 year old) as ‘ my baby’.
something really cuts me when he says that and I fly off the handle, I have a son and don’t refer to him as my baby.
It makes me feel like my husband loves his youngest to bits and doesn’t want a baby with me. When he comes over, he spends all of his time playing with him and not encouraging family play or activities. He complains about vitamins I buy him to try to make our IVF cycle successful ‘ I’m not taking them’ he says. Even though I’m taking lots and trying to be healthy for IVF, he is still drinking quite a lot. When I had a failed implementation and was bleeding, he had his kids over for the weekend and I was left crying on my own. Put on a brave face obviously but felt unsupported. If I tried to talk about it, he said ‘ not now’. I feel really low.
I feel like he had his family ( his kids) and doesn’t actually want a family with me. It somehow feels like his ex -wife’s kids are his be all and end all and that he loves his ex wife and their connection - although she is remarried and their split was mutually decided. He used an egg donor for the youngest with his ex wife ( his baby) and it feels like a child he had in a way biologically ‘ with a stranger’ is more important than any child he will have with me - his wife. The child was 2 when he broke up with wife. It’s like that child is so important to him - it’s a bit strange to me.
i don’t know if it’s because he is not quite over leaving or if he is not on board with us having kids. He’s been divorced for 5 years. We’ve been together 3 years and married 6 months.
We discussed and tried for a child before marriage, it’s not a sudden development.
I just feel like he has an unhealthy obsession with his kids because Of the divorce or because he doesn’t see them every day - is this normal and how do I deal with it?
I’m quite a sensitive soul and can get irrationally irritated but I just don’t feel like he is totally onboard with our marriage or family making plans.
I suppose, I’m extra sensitive because of fertility issues but I just don’t feel like it’s importing him because he has ‘ his kids’, who he calls his kids not our kids as a family.
I just don’t know if I’m being made a fool of it if I’m being a fool.
Xxx

First off why are you trying to bring another baby into all of this? He doesn't want or need another child.

He is doing what he can for his children in the way he feels best.

Could it be because they're all boys? It sounds like he's a great dad to me, loving his kids and being there for them. His 8 year old is his baby as often the youngest child is considered the baby in the family. This would obvs change if you did have a child.

But does he want a child truly or do you want a child without wanting to sound insensitive. Would he choose to go through IVF or is this coming from you? I know that my husband would only do this for me but he'd never choose to go through IVF especially as we have children.

YABU for the click bait thread title

It’s like that child is so important to him - it’s a bit strange to me

Odd you find it strange his child is so important to him, surely that’s a good thing?!

He’s already got three kids so maybe doesn’t want another. Although he should be honest if that’s the case.

As someone who has also struggled with ivf and conceiving, I can 100% understand your fears and insecurities and how they might be influencing your way of thinking. You are being completely unreasonable when it comes to the 8 year old child. It's also very wrong of you to refer to him as "your husbands and a strangers biologically", as someone who's struggling to conceive, you must realise yourself how cruel that sounds? That child is so much more than his biological makeup to his parents, and especially his mother who had to make the difficult decision to use an egg donor, but still carried, nurtured and birthed that little boy, to her and your husband he IS their baby.

You're not unreasonable to feel like your husband isn't being supportive. The 'not now' comments need to stop. You need to tell him that 'not now' isn't an option because you're feeling so low that you need to discuss where you're both at. You need support during this journey. Could you write your thoughts down for your husband and ask him to read it privately and come back and discuss things with you?

You will get through this difficult time.

Weird way to complain about choosing to marry a divorced man who appears to be a great dad!

Very rare on Mumsnet to complain that he's too involved with his own children and loves and misses them too much!

I'd put it down to your hormones and IVF
Really if you do conceive surely he loves his children.

Also weird that you chose to call HIS children his ex-wife's children

You seem very insecure and vulnerable, maybe worth getting counselling after your loss x

You do sound unreasonable to me, but it's understandable because you're going through IVF, you've been disappointed that the last round didn't work, and you desperately want a baby with your husband. You're insecure in the relationship at the moment and feel threatened by his relationship with his kids. It's not surprising that you're over-sensitive, but take a step back. Your husband sounds like a good father who is truly committed to his children. He can't, and shouldn't try to, force his teenagers to do family activities with you. At their ages he really does need to have a relationship with them independently, not only with you there. He split up with their mother but not with the children, and he sounds like he's doing his best. It's really very unreasonable of you to fly off the handle about him calling his 8yo "my baby" - my mum still calls me that and I'm in my 50s! How old is your own son? I'm guessing 5 or so, but probably younger than all his kids? The role of stepmother isn't easy and I really don't envy you, but you have to be the bigger woman here .

Goodness I can only say i've been Where you are and stuck with it, and after many years can see how it was the wrong thing to do looking from where I stand now.
Looking objectively at your situation,
As hard as it may seem. I would honestly suggest in the long run you would be happier with a different partner if having a baby and a family is something which is truly incredibly important to you as you have described in your op. What I experienced with my Husband was a noticeable divide between our child and his children which became bigger and bigger over time. Sadly, our child was very aware of it and felt like he was treated differently and lesser. I resented the difference in treatment enormously despite all of my efforts to create one a blended family which never worked.
All continued to us splitting up splitting up after many years. Iwanted to have a while family which also had my child and me in it. Their family was just them and I realised now he was never bothered about having a second family with me.
It's unpleasant to know now and it's hurtful and upsetting and I didnt realise at the time but it explains a lot. It has been very hard to suffer through this and the headrace and difficulties is brought with it.
My heartfelt honest advice would be to look for someone more suited to you now while you can. You are lovable. And can live. Many people will live you and want the same thing. I realise relstuonshios shouldnt be so hard over fundamental issues. You are honestly seeing yourself up for eternal must g if you aren't in the same path even before you begin. Parenting is so hard. Being on different teams will break you. I know o sound pessimistic. But having lived through this exact situation and just come out I've realised fully how bad it can truly be. You have an your life to life. Live it happily without unnecessary battles 😊

I am not convinced he would go through IVF if he didn’t want a child with you. On the other hand he already has three children and I would understand if the thought that was enough, but he should have been honest in that case. I think you need to try to get to the bottom of this when your feelings are less raw.

You are being very unreasonable about him calling his youngest his baby. And of course that child is more important than a child that does not as yet exist.

With regards to the last failed IVF cycle, I presume he was due to have his children that weekend, he cannot just stop being their dad. I assume you didn’t send your own child away that weekend, (deliberately I mean, not just coincidentally as they were due to be with their father anyway).

It all sounds a bit all over the place. Sorry you’re struggling at the moment. I think with pretty much any couples issue the root problem is usually communication and it sounds like this is definitely the case here. He doesn’t sound 100% on having another baby or certainly isn’t fully invested anyway. It’s hard when you’re being pulled in so many different directions- your son, your step kids and your husband when they all seem to be pretty seperate at the moment. Could you try to arrange something that would involve all of them? Does that work? It must be hard when they’re teenagers but there must be something they’re willing to come over for. Maybe if it was all a bit less disjointed you’d all get on better. I think it’s important to allocate some proper time to discussing the whole thing and really seeing what it is your husband wants

It doesn't look to me like this man wants to have another child (with you or with anyone else or even with the ex-wife). He's got his perfect little boys tribe, his unit, his own children, he is complete as far as children are concerned and he is a good devoted father to them.

If you absolutely want to have a second child of your own, you need to find another man.
Does your own child feel left out when the step son(s) come to visit? I can't imagine your DH puts your own child on the same line as his own children. Is DH the right step dad for your own child? Concentrate on this aspect for a while. Before bringing in another baby into the mix.
It is possible DH would be great with a new baby as well. But I'd worry your own child would feel even more pushed aside by your DH (not intentionally, just the natural way of things).