Complicated.

[lemonsandgingerbeer]

Buckle in, it's a long one.

Growing up, I learned from my mother that her mother had severe mental health issues and was highly abusive – I heard a lot of very extreme stories from a very young age. She cut contact with her for decades, and kept very low contact with all of her family, except an on-off connection with her one sister.

Her sister (my aunt) had a good relationship with their mother and a very different perspective of their upbringing, and took her in to live with them as she aged.

I met my grandmother twice as a small child, but we've not had any contact since.

My mother and I are also now NC, and have been for a good few years. The impact of her own mental health issues and trauma has just made it impossible to have a relationship with her. I'm not angry with her, she's just got a lot of MH and emotional issues that unfortunately made it hard for her to parent me, and now makes it unhealthy to be in contact.

I've always kept my distance from that side of the family out of loyalty to my mother, but in the last couple of months I've got back in touch with her sister – I think I finally realised that they're my family too, and I'm allowed to have a relationship with them regardless of how my mother feels.

Two days ago, I got a message from my aunt telling me that my grandmother had passed away. I sent my condolences to her, and then also to my cousin (that aunt's daughter), who I haven't been in touch with for about a decade.

My cousin then got back to me saying how happy they all are to have me back in their lives, even in a small way, and inviting me to the funeral (we all live in different countries, so it would mean a flight and staying with them).

My instinct is that it's not appropriate to go – I didn't have a relationship with her, and some small part of me knows that it would break my mother's heart if I went, as she'd see it as a huge betrayal of her, and I still want to protect her, even though she'd never admit to needing to be cared for. I'm not even sure that she knows yet that her mother has died, since she's not responded to her sister (my aunt)'s messages for over a year.

But I'm trying to untangle my feelings around all of this – some part of me is sad that I never knew my grandmother, who seemed to play a really positive role in everyone's life except my mother's. I know my mother has a tendency to turn good people into evil, dangerous characters (she's done it to me), and at the same time I also know that many children of abuse are scapegoats while others are golden children, so I don't want to disregard her experience.

The timing feels very potent, all this happening right when I start to try to rebuild some relationships with that side of the family – and I also don't want to overestimate it.

How do I start to make sense of everything that's going on? Would going to the funeral be my one way to 'connect' with my grandmother, or am I right that it would be inappropriate? Is being in touch with that side of the family my right, or is it a betrayal of my mother's experience and ultimately a death knell to our relationship?

Do any of these questions even make sense?! What do I do with all of this?

I don't believe it's appropriate for you to go. This is a woman you did not know, and you are aware that your DM would see this as a betrayal - as indeed it would be. You are basically deciding that all the extreme stories she told you are not true, or only her version of events.

People don't go NC for trivial reasons in general. You say that you are NC with your mother and I presume that you eventually had to do this to protect yourself, and your own MH. I would imagine that your DM had to do the same.

If you feel the need to be in touch with your Aunt and cousin then do so after the funeral, and I think it would be fairest to make it clear that you are after a fresh start with them, and not wanting to hear their 'side' or their stories about your DM/DGM.

I've been in your DMs position (to a certain extent) and I'm aware that my 'golden' sibling thinks the sun shines out of mother's arse. I'd be really pissed off if one of my children had effectively decided that MY experience of growing up and MY feelings were invalid and decided to dismiss them. DM was abusive and did a lot of damage to me. I don't want my children deciding that 'they've only got my word for it' and effectively siding with my abusers.

You say you live in different countries. I think it's an absolute no-no to fly off to stay with them, particularly to attend the funeral of her abuser, who you admit you only met twice as a small child.

I hear you, @Hatty65, and thanks for taking the time to comment.

I think for me this is coming in part from years of constructing my life to 'protect' my mother, when at the same time she's painted me to anyone who'll listen as an awful daughter who's actively manipulated and dominated her in terrible ways – which simply isn't the case, and is part of a strong pattern of behaviour of hers with anyone close to her.

I spent my entire childhood walking on the sharpest of eggshells so as not to set off a bomb laid by her trauma, and I'm just now, in my late 30s, starting to imagine that maybe at some point I get make choices that aren't so heavily dictated by how she might feel about everything.

Especially since she seems entirely uninterested in having even a tentative relationship with me.

I guess I'm another generational layer down from where you are, and I'm imagining your experiences haven't then been turned in an aggressive way on your own kids. Much as my mother had an abuser, I did too – and it might be time I stopped denying myself any semblance of a family to protect my abuser's feelings.

I'm not interested in 'siding' with anyone or dismissing anyone's experience, and I certainly don't think of my mother's experience as invalid. It's her experience and it's real no matter what happened or did not happen.

I just feel I'm allowed to have the opportunity to have my own experiences of people, rather than everything being entirely dictated by her lenses, which I've learned through bitter personal experience can be heavily tinted. The only story I've ever heard about that side of the family is hers, and I'm able to hold multiple potential truths at once.

Maybe if I'm going to 'side' with anyone, it's about time I sided with myself.

As I said in my OP, my instinct is that the funeral's not an appropriate move. I hear your agreement on that, and I'm grateful for the confirmation.

But I'm not going to accept the black-and-white of some of the other comments you've made – there's more at play here than that. And even that has been helpful, to find my own edges, so thank you for that, too.

@lemonsandgingerbeer

I would go in your place. You are an adult and you are allowed to try to make sense of your background/family that you never met.
Going for the funeral is not a bad way to meet a lot of the family members at the same time.

You can not keep looking over your shoulder at your Mom and only do things that please her. Not when she is clearly struggling with her MH and her account of her life may or may not be the reality of what went on.
You are not going there to play happy families with your mom's potential abuser - you are going to meet people related to you. You are allowed to do that.

I don't think it is a problem that it is a funeral. You are not going there to make a speech or celebrate GM's life. You are Not picking sides, etc. It's just a pragmatic way to meet a lot of family in the same place

@lemonsandgingerbeer That's fine. Obviously everyone's experiences are different, and only you can decide what you need to do to help you move on.

Good luck in whatever you decide and I hope things work out for you.

In your place I think I wouldn't go to the funeral, but I would make arrangements to fly over soon, in the next few months, to visit your aunt and cousin.