When you realise you've repeated the cycle.

[AliceinWonderland2012]

I'm going to post this in stages, because every time I click away from this tab, it blanks it all back out!

I've just begun to realise that I've married a man with narcissistic traits (we've been married 15 years!).

My mum was an absolute nightmare - until we went no contact four years ago.

My childhood was pretty horrific, several sets of stepfathers/step siblings; repeated affairs with all the chaos that brings; including one count of attempted murder against me, my mum and my siblings when one step father found out about another affair.

I've had to be the adult in the relationship with my mother since my early teens. She's constantly causing arguments, being very abusive and then switching to act as though nothing was wrong until we go back to normal.

She played favourites with my children, and then denied it when called out on it. So we went no contact.

She then tried to take me to court to see the kids without my agreement.

So all in all, I'm glad to be out of that situation, even moving abroad in an attempt to remove myself from her clutches.

I used to be a regular poster on the Stately Homes thread, until we went no contact.

Unfortunately I've now realised that I was so consumed by the chaos of my relationship with my mother/family, that I've completely missed the red flags in my husband (soon to be ex husband).

Very charming in the beginning, although looking back, the red flags were there even then.

We went on holiday a few months into the relationship and he broke up with me when he got back, because I wasn't interested in doing the same things as him on holiday. I like to read - and this has become a real bug bear over our 20 year relationship.

He used to cajole me into socialising with his ex, who was an arse to me; but then carried on with the love bombing.

He's very successful at his job and is a raging workaholic, which has only increased with time.

Within 3 months of us getting married, we moved abroad for his job, and within 5 months I was pregnant with our first child.

We've since moved country three times for different jobs of his; including one return to the UK; and we now have three children, who are upper primary school age.

The first major flag was the lack of empathy when I'm sick. I had hyper-emesis in each pregnancy, for the full 40 weeks. Even on the strongest medication I was sick several times a day - the only way to avoid sickness was to eat, so I gained 5 stone each pregnancy (and lost it each time i might add).

He was not really that sympathetic about it.

I didn't work until we returned to the UK, but we had two children back to back and my youngest was only 14 months when we came back to the UK.

I went back to work and got landed with all the childcare, because he earned so much more than me, so he justified not doing any of the running around, despite being closer to the kid's nursery/school.

I then got pregnant and had our third child. I got a kidney infection during my second trimester and was really sick. He left me on my own with two kids, and unable to take any decent painkillers, to travel for work. I had to beg old school friends (who had no children) to come and take over for me at the weekend as I was completely useless).

We've since come back to live abroad, which I love, but I had to give up my job, again, and my career doesn't exist here.

Since our third child was born, my body has fallen apart. I had one autoimmune disease diagnosed at 21, and have since had 3 more diagnosed since I gave birth.

I've spent the last 5 years seeking out doctors and having tests to rule out conditions, and to get to the bottom of what was going on. I think I'm finally there with diagnosing everything and I'm starting, very slowly, on the path to recovery.

I regained 5 stone due to the illnesses so have worked hard this year to lose a lot of it. I took Ozempic, which was great, but the side effects were horrible. So I decided, for once in my life, to put me first.

We have full time help here, so the house was taken care of; the kids are at school so I have time just to rest during the day.

Meanwhile he's become a total workaholic, and gym fanatic. He ticks all midlife crises boxes.

He started getting up at 4am to go to work (waking me up every morning by being so inconsiderate - using the hairdryer, clumping around in shoes); then going to the gym and then in bed by 8pm.

So we've had no time together for almost 2 years. He doesn't want to go and socialise and lost interest in us spending time together. Sex life non-existent.

Then, of course, he has an affair. He got caught out, and we've started divorce proceedings. He cannot believe I am leaving him and is using every tactic to try to get me to change my mind.

He's gas lighting, threatened suicide, always talks about what his actions are doing to him.

It's just made me realise that he's been gaslighting me for years, and been controlling me in more and more obvious ways.

I've also recently had abdominal surgery and I am completely destroyed physically and mentally by everything.

I know I won't go back, because I've already been through this with mum, and I know where it ends up, but I just feel gutted that I sleepwalked into this and stuck my kids in the middle of what is likely to be a sodding nightmare.

Sounds like a genuine nightmare. People underestimate the importance of intellectual compatibility in a relationship, complaining about excessive reading is a flaw. Youve a lot going on, clearly.

He's also made sure that all the assets are in his name (unfortunately for him, I can access all of them, so he can't hide what he has) and I'm now having to build up credit cards etc in my own name again.

One minute he's generous and remorseful and then next he's trying to manipulate me.

He's now intimating that I wouldn't just leave because of the affair and his lack of work/life balance, and there must be "something else going on".

Unlike him, I actually mean to keep my marriage vows.

Cannot believe I have been so bloody stupid.

I'm so relieved now I've moved out (we're living across the road from each other so we can co-parent 50/50 at the moment) - it's like someone took an elephant off my chest.

I cannot imagine moving back into that house and being under his scrutiny again. He has money coming out of his ears but I've spent the last two years being told I'm wasting money and over spending (I'm definitely not).

I'm vulnerable here, but I'm slowly working through my options, because he seems keen to keep me close, so he doesn't have to do all the parenting.

We've agreed finances and filed for divorce, so hopefully that will go through without too many legal issues. He's obviously stung me out of a bit of money, but health wise, it's better for me to stay here, for access to healthcare, so I'm prepared to compromise on some money in order to make this work.

I may life to regret that decision, but it's where I am for now.

He's actually very intelligent - he just doesn't like my attention being elsewhere.

I actually stopped reading for years because he'd disturb me every time (plus - three kids) and it took me until a few years ago to even notice.

You have an incredible amount to deal with/juggle there! I get you regarding the reading, x husband objected to your attention being on a book, rather than on him. Petty. People with huge salaries can be insecure. I know with a career It is difficult to balance home/work family/work, just left consulting for that very reason. Mind you, I'm a single bloke, so no family to juggle, but work/life balance is important. The repeated moving also seems stressful!

I'm similar OP and honestly I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes! I can see that the fucked up relationship between my parents and my mum's mental health problems set me up for life with a ruckload of relationship and self esteem issues! Of course I settled with my now ex DH when I should have left a long time ago! I've learned so much in the last few months since the split about healthy relationships.