RED FLAGS

[Flash15x]

Hi all,
Just wondering on peoples examples of what they would call a red flag 🚩 or behaviours that you would say are narcissistic or gaslighting?

Tia
X

Well gaslighting is fairly specific.
May include
-telling you one thing one day and the complete opposite the next. Eg: their stance on something political. If asked about it, they'll sware they 'never said that' first lot of stuff.

• Looking at you with a blank stare as if you're not making any sense when you are explaing something like why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful (pro tip: if you ever find yourself doing this, you're likely in an abusive relationship)
• 'I never said that', 'I never did that', 'you're remembering wrong, there's something wrong with your memory', 'you're always overreacting/you're too sensitive'.

Basically behaviours designed to make you question your own memories, right to basic respect and sanity.

Narcissistic behaviours as in behaviours from someone with npd or similar...
there's such a huge range there that you could ve there all day. But if we think in terms of just, behaviours that are not gaslighting but may ve seen in conjuction with it from an abusive individual - they constantly create arguments. They have to take the opposite side to you in everything. Everything becomes a moment to teach you why they are right and you are wrong. They'll even take the side of people who have treated you badly and instead if giving you a hug or emotional support, will start to tell you how YOU are the 'bad guy'.

Days become exhausting. They always seem to let you down. They don't care how you feel about it or (gaslighting -) pretend not to get why you are hurt, deflated, angry or upset. They never take responsibility for their own actions and they never say sorry...unless it'd with a side serving of huffing and guilt tripping you for being 'too sensitive'.

Red flags from my boyfriends going backwards....

£20k of debt. He paid it off with me, but then built debt back up. If only I had clocked on.

Before him, moody temperament. Mean.

Why do you ask?

Your red flags are yours. It might be the way he eats a yoghurt, or the hair product he uses. If he does something that you don't want to accept in your relationship, and doesn't stop when you tell him you don't like it, it's a red flag for you. All the things that come up when you google 'red flags' are the things common to everyone (like violence, insults, being controlling etc) but that's not a conclusive list. You will have your own red flags, and it's your job to make your decisions about what you will and will not accept. Anybody who tries to cross those boundaries is raising a red flag, and neither MN nor anybody else can advise you about the specifics of the boundaries, except that they are things that you, personally, do not like.

Often times something will happen and you will not be able to explain it. Like you feel hurt, offended, dismissed, but you can not explain why. It is something he did, said or did not say. I would often end up being confused after our conversations, like "why do I feel so bad, he did not say anything to me to make me feel this way; did not yell, call me names or anything like that, so why do I feel like he did". I think too that you should not focus on what other people think or say the red flags are. Trust your instincts. If you are having an exchange with your partner and it makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, that is your red flag. He may not be a narcissist, but he is not your ideal partner either.

Mine would be from experience any controlling or coercive behaviour, wear this not that, don't like what you're wearing.

Narcissistic, making out they are popular with the opposite sex, to try and make themselves look desirable but it's them that is attention seeking.

Gaslighting, you saw/heard them blatantly flirting, but they dismiss your feelings , it's only banter. Just being friendly.

Other red flags could be simply be a mismatch for you, such as he doesn't want a relationship but you do or vice versa.
He's a homebody but you like adventure.

1. Not in touch with family without good reason, 2. Talks badly or behaved badly towards an ex (or work colleague or acquaintance), 3. Enjoying the unfortunate events or circumstances of other people, 4. Criminal involvement past or present, 5. Addictions of any sort, 6. Sketchy career history, 7. Lack of friends, 8. Debt and reckless spending habits, 9. Frequently moving home, 10. Hiding stuff from the past, 11. Telling little lies to make themselves seem special or important when not, 12. Sexist, racist or any discriminatory opinions, 13. Persistent lateness or other flaky behaviour, 14. Refusal to go public over a relationship to friends, family, social media etc, 15. Does not see children and/ or fund them with child maintenance, 16. Aloofness towards everyone suggesting disinterest, 17. Lack of basic manners like opening doors, or helping others out in need.

The only big red flag I ever saw in someone but ignored it (and have regretted ignoring it ever since), was the way he spoke about past relationships and making the women seem crazy. For example, he went on a date even though he wasn’t interested in the woman, then went out with her again anyway and kissed her, but made it sound like she was pressuring him to go out with her. She got him a gift and he ghosted her basically. The way he spoke about her was so unkind and he tried making her sound weird and desperate. At the time I remember thinking why did he go out with her twice if he wasn’t interested? Plus he blamed his ex fully for their split. And he would be kind of mean about people he worked with who I thought were his friends.
So if a guy talks badly about exes and makes them sound really bad/psychotic and doesn’t take any responsibility himself for the breakdown of past relationships etc, that would be my big red flag.
Others would be the way he treats people, hygiene, debt, drug/alcohol use, attitude towards women, bad family relationship, children he has no contact with, no job. There’s probably loads more but it depends what you can personally handle in a relationship.

I ignored several red flags and lived to regret them...

. Lied about being in the army and I busted him having been in the army myself
. Had a really good female 'best friend' yeah he was sleeping with her
. Fell out with family/friends all the time
. Called all exes crazy - yep, I'm now one of those

I have a long list, thanks to narcissists permeating my life:

Lying early on about stuff; their age etc.
Not taking accountability, dismissiveness, won't apologise
Bad reaction to sincere expressions of love
Needing to be one-up, don't do equality
Future faking and love-bombing
Switch-er-oos in how they treat you. Hot and cold is a pattern.
Passive aggression and silent treatment
Everything is your fault
Hypersensitive to criticism; things can't be discussed without it becoming an argument immediately
Saying "that didn't happen"
Quick to anger. Have to walk on eggshells
Accusing you of what they are doing, projection
Need for constant attention. Always on phone or social media
Talk excessively about themselves. Bad listeners. Or good listeners in the beginning but it's to woo you and gather information to use against you later on.
Prone to envy. Being disinterested or dismissive over your achievements. Going cold.
Being overly interested and helpful in your struggles
Finding out they've bad mouthed you whilst being excessively nice to your face

The list is endless to be honest. But how does it show up in the beginning?:
-Changes in mood when you do something they don't like. Sulking. Odd cold periods.
-Defensiveness over small things
-Too many texts
-Flowery language
-Talks badly about exes. And/or doesn't have insight into how they might have been wrong/responsible.
-Lack of self reflection and avoids deep conversations
-Overly complimentary of you
-Doesn't want to take things slowly. Or goes so slowly that you don't know what the hell is going on.
-Doesn't like being told 'no'. I deliberately say no to something early in the dating game now as a test. It's the best one.
-Dismissiveness
-Avoidance of emotion, or contempt for emotion
-Sob stories
-Wanting to pick you up for a date instead of meeting there
-A feeling that something is off; a lack of peace; feeling anxious
-Disappearing acts
-Disregarding boundaries. Showing up when you've said you need 'me' time.
-Need for control over things, such as planning the date, time. Won't collaborate.
-Showing off on a date or being overly charming; shallowness. Flirting with others.
-Or being rude or dismissive towards waiting staff.
-Having a judgmental and/or strict opinions on certain things. Not interested in what you think and isn't open minded.
-The tone isn't conversational. They're on a stage, and you're the audience.
-Being misogynistic. Demeaning jokes about women.
-Talking about sex before they know you
-Not using your name very much. Use of pet names early on.
-Coping with feeling inferior by being rude.
-Conveniently forgetting about a conversation that you had, or that you were at the same social event. Pretending to forget for no apparent reason.
-Flashes of anger on face when you do something nice for them, or express feelings.
-Invalidation (later becomes gaslighting)
-Going out of their way to help you, but then going cold afterwards.
-Being nice when you're playing the role they've assigned you, going cold when you're authentically you. Going cold when you're self confident.

The list is endless, it really is. Why are you asking?!

Thanks for all your responses.
My partner was very all in when we met but as times passed and disagreements etc occur he seems to very quickly need space, backtrack on what his said or almost make me feel like any conversation I try and have about our relationship is me trying to argue.

disagreements etc occur he seems to very quickly need space, backtrack on what his said or almost make me feel like any conversation I try and have about our relationship is me trying to argue

How d'you feel about this, when it happens?

@Firefly2009 your examples are spot on. Some of them made me shudder. Brought back a lot of bad memories about my ex, well before I suspected him of being a narcissist. 😢

Speaking disparagingly about women
All his exes are crazy
Things about him seem a bit off
Speaks of good friends but you've not met them

Shit to be honest.
Like I just am better saying nothing because my feelings aren't validated. Always seems to come back on me but I know everybody handles things different.

Like I just am better saying nothing because my feelings aren't validated

Is that with everyone or just with him?

Sorry, you might not want a barrage of questions. Or it might be nice to talk...

Do you mean do I feel like that with other people in my life?
No, just him. It's not always, normally just when I say something he doesn't like or he knows is true he gets defensive or says I'm arguing.

So, if what you want is to have your feelings validated, why would you want to have someone who is inconsistent at that in your life?

And... how do you go about validating your own feelings? It's something you need to do for yourself, really. You will have learned in childhood not to validate yourself, and to have to try hard to get validation from a parent. So your conditioning tells you that if someone doesn't validate you, you just have to try harder. But that's not the case. If someone doesn't validate you, you ditch 'em!

It doesn't matter why he is doing that. It's not okay and you should leave.
I know this is such a cliche thing to say on here, but....these situations are unreasonable.

Sleaziness, following and liking other women, dog on heat basically

I need advice on whether this is narcissistic abuse? My partner of 1 and half years can be the most loving and caring person until his mood changes. I can sense the change coming, his whole personality shifts even his mannerisms change. He becomes angry at everything I say and I can’t say anything right without it triggering an argument. This is always on a weekend or approaching the weekend. After an argument, resulting from this he will go out drinking and taking drugs and message me a day or two after asking if we are still together. Usually blaming me for him going out and insulting and calling me names yet taking no accountability for his own actions. I love him a lot so always end up taking him back but I’m really at the end now as it’s affecting my mental health. We have broken up almost every two weeks since getting together for the same reason. I found out a few months ago that when we had split up he met someone else in a bar and had been texting her. I only found this out as she rang his phone when we were together, he lied saying it was someone from years ago. I messaged her myself and found the truth out which was far from what he told me. I have a gut feeling he is cheating on me everytime we argue and he goes out. Am I paranoid for thinking this or would anyone else be the same? The name calling and insults really get me down and he will always justify it by picking out things I have said or done to make him call me. He says he loves me and wants to settle down but I don’t think he would act this way if that was true, I feel totally unappreciated and disrespected when this happens. Currently he has messaged me today saying are we together and when I’ve expressed how he’s made me feel he has told me to leave him alone and it’s over.

People in your life should add value. They should make you feel better about yourself. They should bring out the best in you. They should be your cheerleader. If they bring you down, make you feel like shit, or bring out your bad character traits, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is or who’s being unreasonable you’re not compatible with each other.

Rbcks124

I implore you: answer his text with "We are no longer together. I have put up with your behaviour for too long". Then block him.

These are based on my experiences with my past few exes

Never apologizing

never taking any responsibility for things that went wrong in past relationships or other situations

never thinking my jokes are funny but quick to laugh at/mock me/make fun of me

ghosting or going silent when they are upset at you instead of communicating then popping back up days/weeks later like nothing is wrong

more interested in their social life than they are spending time with you

all talk and no action

quick tempered

bad money management - priorities fun and material things over paying debts/saving

also unable to look at you/look you in the eye ever.

I’m sure there are more 😂