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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overthinking this date?

30 replies

Cherrypiepieces · 20/12/2023 14:19

So I'm meant to be meeting a guy later who I've met online, we've spoken several times on the phone, I feel comfortable with him etc
But even though we've confirmed plans, he has sent me a few messages in the last couple of days to check, are we still on etc? Even though I've said yes, see you then, I don't really see the point in having too much communication now in case when we meet there is no chemistry.
Yesterday when he was checking in he told me his mum isn't feeling well, this wasn't an excuse he was just sharing this information with me, telling me he was looking after her, then see you tomorrow'. Then again, this morning I said see you later, and he just texted to say just checking time, he's looking after his mum again so I suggested we meet a bit later and that's fine so we've agreed.
I'm just not sure I'd I'm overthinking here but it feels a bit like oversharing, considering we've never met, I feel obligated to ask if she's ok. Or he could be just anxious about meeting as I am!!

OP posts:
graciasinmorzine · 20/12/2023 14:25

l don’t think he’s done any ‘over sharing’ at all. It sounds like he likes you, is into your pictures and profile, and wants to chat to you…?

Texting is low effort. You are talking about a few texts like he’s just sent you a diamond necklace before you’ve had your date.

When I was OLD, if the initial chat-chemistry was there, we would chat via text in the run up to the date. It’s completely normal. It’s only abnormal when you are texting with no plans to meet.

The stuff about his mum- probably knew it would delay your date so was probably planting the seed to day before.

i honestly don’t see any issue

graciasinmorzine · 20/12/2023 14:27

Also- I don’t know WHY you wouldn’t ask if his mum is ok 😬 that’s probably the oddest part of what you’ve written.

that’s just a basic reflex, no?

’too much’ would be saying you are going to bring her round some soup. Asking if she’s ok is just chit chat.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 20/12/2023 14:32

Yes sorry I should have given a bit more context, he has already cancelled one date on me last week, for personal reasons and I think I'm just feeling anxious as I've never met him and trying to protect myself.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 20/12/2023 14:38

I hate to look on the negative side but I would be wary in case he is telling you about his mum so that he has a reason to cancel last minute.

SamW98 · 20/12/2023 14:38

Just different communication styles. I don’t see it as an issue.
Personally I still like the back and forth messaging up to the date in inbetween if things go well.

I think he’s just keen to let you know he’s still interested and not pulling back. I’d actually find it a bit more strange not to message daily but we’re all different.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 20/12/2023 14:44

Yes i'll have to report back, I think if he hadn't already cancelled I wouldn't be so bothered. But since he cancelled I laid my cards on the table to him in terms of my boundaries, not in a psycho way, I have kids etc and I'm not into being messed around. Well since I did this his attitude completely changed, he has been messaging me more, trying to video call a lot more and actually seems quite insecure, if I don't respond to a message he follows me up. God dating is a headfuck!!! In any case if he cancels me again it's game over.

OP posts:
Olika · 20/12/2023 15:42

I wouldn't think into it too much. If the date goes ahead you can assess him face to face and then decide what you want to do. If he cancels again though then I would move on.

Bluela18 · 20/12/2023 15:45

Yes I get the over thinking. Either his mum is genuinely unwell and he's just telling you incase he might be late or have to cancel

Or

May well be an excuse as he might be trying to somehow get out of it or need it as back up as if he's planning on cancelling again, or perhaps hoping you might say , shall we rearrange then. I know that doesn't help though with the overthinking. I'd be the same
If the date goes ahead you could ask about his mum then.

Catladyireland · 20/12/2023 17:41

I wouldn't think it's oversharing but I hope he doesn't cancel, using his Mum as an excuse. I find guys use family as an excuse to cancel dates so it makes them look better and this time of year with everyone so busy, it wouldn't be unusual to cancel.

I hope it goes well. Report back! X

Tonight1 · 20/12/2023 17:54

I was with long term ex at the time but I suddenly had to drop everything if parent got moved to CCU. It's difficult losing a parent.

Hopefully it's not an excuse.

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/12/2023 19:20

Yeah
I know people that do this
IF he cancels again , nicely fade on him

I hope he doesn’t - but I do know people
like this and it annoys me

Thewondererhasreturned · 20/12/2023 23:11

I think your over thinking. Does he love with his mum or is he calling round to see her sort of thing? I suppose you could say aw I hope she's okay its nice your close?

kimchio · 21/12/2023 12:23

Seems absolutely fair enough to share this info

3sausagedogs · 21/12/2023 12:36

Everyone is different. Some people text morning noon and night before a date and some people set a date and time and don’t feel the need to communicate, waiting to actually meet face to face. I think he’s telling you about his mum to start small chat, maybe this is what he likes to do. You won’t actually know until you meet him and chat with him. I think stay chilled about the date and make a back up plan. I like to buy something nice for dinner and pick something good to watch on Netflix. That way if a guy cancels I still feel excited about my evening for one x He could be the one and he could not, but it’s ok to have a chat about your communication styles x keep us updated x

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 21/12/2023 13:42

Thank you everyone.
So yes we had a date, I mean he is physically very attractive, we kissed, but he is basically a walking red flag, very complex personality, possibly verging in being a sociopath, but it's hard as he can be v sweet to me and kind but I also think he is used to being able to manipulate women who probably fall at his feet. He has texted me this morning since the date but I'm not sure whether to respond, I feel like he's the type of guy that would really get in my head and I'm not sure if that's what I need in my life right now.

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 21/12/2023 13:45

I think it is a positive sign that he is being open with you. I'd rather that than sworded little secrets that accidentally come out.

Tonight1 · 21/12/2023 13:49

Oh I missed that, so his mother is unwell, not end of life?

Perhaps you should say you enjoyed the date but he has too much on at present

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 13:54

It's oversharing. You're strangers and he's seeking sympathy etc for a family situation. I'd look askance.

Catlord · 21/12/2023 13:55

I think your gut is calling it here if you're getting a twisty impression. I would wish him and his mum well but decline another date and block.

Bluela18 · 21/12/2023 14:09

If you are already having doubts about his personality, might be best to say had a nice date but you don't feel another one is for you. I stay away from attractive cocky men who use manipulation with woman. They know they can have anyone

Watchkeys · 21/12/2023 15:35

Some people like more sharing, some less. Some feel close enough to share, some don't. There are no rules about what the 'right' amount of sharing is. Or thinking. Nobody can tell you you're 'overthinking'. Or 'oversensitive'. If anybody makes you feel you're over-something, ask yourself 'according to what authority?'

So, if you don't like something, you don't like it. If you really don't like it, you really don't like it. It's not about right or wrong. Someone else might feel fine with it, but you don't. Respect that. You weren't comfortable about his level of sharing. It doesn't have to be assigned to someone being right and someone else being wrong.

You'll feel a lot less anxious about stuff if you stop thinking you might be 'wrong' for having your feelings.

archerzz · 21/12/2023 16:08

Trust your gut! If you are ready seeing red flags probably best to avoid!

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 21/12/2023 18:33

These are some of the things he did that are making me think not a good idea:
Wouldn't tell me his surname until I insisted, he knew mine and it made me feel uncomfortable that he wouldn't
Was quite piss taking of some of the things I said
Negative and quite cutting about his ex
Told me he was moving soon but then when I asked him about it he was very vague on detail
Said to me about one of our previous conversations, oh you're looking for a romance aren't you, in a kind of patronising way, I'm not and I didn't say this to him but I told him I did like him previously and he said the same back to me
Didn't ask about a follow up date etc
I also shared with him something personal about my family situation, I had to as I had a phone call mid date, it seemed to barely register with him and was followed up with no questions
Openly talked about medication he's been on in the past for his mental health, felt like tmi

So yeah all in all, quite a headfuck!!!

OP posts:
Burntouted · 21/12/2023 22:33

Wouldn't you have inquired and been pondering about things if he were to say nothing, and just ignored you?

You don't view this as him possibly being respectful??

You not wanting to communicate until the meeting may seem like you're playing games to him.

Did he say other things to make you question whether he is oversharing or not???

From what you posted, it doesn't seem to be oversharing. He said basic things. He is taking care of a sick mother. .

Do you just not connect to people emotionally or is it that people or maybe just men sharing things such as emotions...make you uncomfortable??

Is it that you just don't want to envision a male taking care of a sick mother, are you someone who feels that this makes him "weak"??

Maybe he just wanted to be upfront and honest with you about him taking care of his mother ..perhaps often.. maybe previous people thought they could handle it but couldn't.

Perhaps it may be best to move on..if he has taken on a caregiver role in his mother's life, she will be his top priority, and he won't have time for you...if that's the case...maybe he should refrain from trying to date seriously.

You don't know this man, and if you proceed. . This may be a red flag.. perhaps he is thinking about introducing you to his mother rather quickly and perhaps in a rush to incorporate someone into his life, to take over the caregiver role.

You are not obligated to ask or inquiry about his mother's health. If you are feeling uncomfortable with the notion of that...or feeling pressured to do so, it is best to end things and move on.

It's okay if you'd rather not hear about sickness, illness, and other things you may find depressing. . It may put a damper on your mental health...especially if you are struggling, or have made progress towards a recovery.

Not everyone wants to hear these things.

If you feel like you inquiring about her health will lead to more oversharing and if you are feeling like it will impact your mental health....it's best to move on..

After all it's holiday season and almost Christmas (if you participate in these things).. perhaps you are feeling happy and joyous..

Don't let him damper your mood.

Burntouted · 21/12/2023 22:42

Read your update.

Drop him.

Move on.

He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.