This is very long so thank you if you read all of it!
Partner and I are separating, we have one DD who is 3. We own our house jointly. A few years ago we moved 200 miles away from our families because the area we're from is very expensive.
I now only have my mum in the UK, she is planning to move to live near me next year though.
I am waiting for probate from an inheritance to be able to buy my own place. We have agreed that at least initially I will have custody of DD but she will see her dad lots I hope. I had thought it would be nice if he popped round, we went out all together etc but I am living an absolute pipe dream thinking things will be any better once we're apart.
My ex has always been emotionally abusive, he cannot tolerate any form of request on him or perceived criticism and becomes aggressive, shouting and calling me names if I don't immediately back off. I cannot discuss anything with him, he just won't engage and will walk off or resort to shouting. This can be simple things like asking him to turn the lights off after himself, or reminding him to brush DD hair. He has a shocking memory so I feel like I have to remind him of things because I never know what he's managed to retain. He takes almost zero of the mental load. If I try to point out how much I'm doing he sneers at me that booking a dentist appointment isn't fucking difficult, for example. He refuses to try to understand how I'm feeling. He does a reasonable amount of housework but will only do tasks that have been allocated to him or that I ask him to do, he won't do anything extra whatsoever which means anything else falls to me.
For years I have tried to make things work between us because he's always told me that how he behaves is my fault, I don't approach things with him correctly but no matter how I try it always ends the same. He will never apologise for anything and won't discuss things after an argument so I have a lot of built up resentment towards him because Im not allowed to voice when he's hurt me or say how I feel and be heard. Over the years I have come to realise that how he behaves is not my fault and he has been gaslighting me for years. He will make me feel guilty for example if I'm ill and he needs to miss his hobby, sometimes he will decide I'm not ill enough for him to stay home and tear into me about how I'm making it up because I'm horrible. I feel like no matter what I say he will manipulate things so that he gets what he wants, then he will shout at me that I'm the one that always gets my own way. Whatever I accuse him of doing, he will say he feels the exact same way about me. If I ask for examples, he will shout at me and create a row to avoid the topic or say there are too many to pick one.
I'm really pleased I've finally managed to decide on separation but living with him is absolute hell. He is starting to behave quite nastily towards DD, he will do things that upset her then refuse to apologise because reasons, he is unkind to her at bedtime, raising his voice and saying things like 'SHUT YOUR EYES.STOP TALKING.PUT YOUR TOY DOWN. LIE STILL.' this is immediately after putting her down, he expects her to switch off immediately with no wind down time, he doesn't want to read to her and is totally incapable of being soothing or calming. Every night she asks for him and every night I sit on the sofa incredibly anxious because I know it's going to end in shouting. Usually he will take DD soft toys away and throw them on the landing as punishment for not settling down, she gets distraught and calls for me, he shouts at her, I go up and he shouts at me to go away, he's dealing with it etc. he then strops off shouting that it's my fault for coming upstairs and I'm left to comfort DD who will often tell me daddy is mean. I know this may sound like he is being firm and putting in boundaries but because I know what he's like, I worry that it will escalate and he will treat her like he treats me when I don't behave how he wants. I don't feel like he treats her like a toddler, he uses words like 'comply' and 'appropriate behaviour ' which she isn't going to understand.
Last night I tried to broach this with him. I asked him if we could talk about how we manage bedtime as I don't feel what he is doing is working and it's actually making things worse. He has told me several times before he can't cope with DD at bedtime. This resulted in him shouting at me that I'm a fucking horrible cunt and I'm not perfect myself, and he's not discussing it with me any further, it doesn't need to be talked about.
I just don't know what to do. I try really hard to start a rational calm conversation with him but he never responds in the same way. I feel really desperate for a way out away from him because he makes me feel so shit and scared but we have to sell the house first and I don't have anywhere else to go other than back to my mum's but I don't want to uproot poor DD yet again, I have a job here etc. I don't know what to do for the best, and when things are really bad I honestly feel like the only way out is to kill myself although I would never want to leave DD.
I've tried grey rocking him but it's a horrible atmosphere and ultimately with a DD and living together we have to talk about issues. How the hell am I going to co parent with him when he won't discuss anything without being abusive. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through the next few months? I don't have any support in real life other than a couple of friends.