…that is the question 😂
I posted a little while ago about finding my partner was searching on Google that he doesn’t find me attractive since having our baby. How I had seen that he was also searching “is it cheating if I imagine I’m with other women when having sex with my partner” and “I have to fantasise about other women when I have sex with my partner.”
It hurt me so much as we’ve only been together 2 years and at the time I was 7 months post partum and feeling awful about my body as it was. So I didn’t react well and we ended up having a massive fight where he said he loves me but the lust/desire has gone, so I kicked him out.
I was blindsided by the way he felt, we had sex daily and he made me feel wanted and lusted after. Although he was struggling to keep erect during sex and I did start to wonder if it was to do with me, but he insisted it wasn’t and made out he was suffering with ED. But clearly it wasn’t that it was how he felt about me!
Instead of leaving quietly for a few days (we live together at mine but he has his own flat he can go to), he called his family and involved all of them in our private drama. Then stayed with family for a short while playing the victim that I kicked him out (obv not saying why) before going back to his own flat.
He spent about a week trying to win me back, and he went to 1 counselling session as a way of saying he will change the way he thinks and behaves - there are other issues too that come from his abusive childhood that need to be ironed out in counselling.
But after more arguments in that first week we weren’t talking at all and he then went out on a work do (which was just a lunch) and was gone out for 10 hours whilst I was caring for our sick baby at home. So we argued again as I felt like he was behaving like he was single and happy we were over, and so yet again it was back to not talking.
Since that taste of freedom he got, he was cold and horrible towards me, telling me he only cares about our daughter. He has also seemed fine with the split even though now he says he’s not and was devastated. He was really distant towards me, which yes may be because of all the arguments - I also said hurtful things like it was a mistake to ever be with him - so I don’t really knock him for that. But at one point I tried to reconcile and he seemed very cold and again more arguing occurred because of this.
We are in the third week now and I find out that he’s got a new flat and moved 30 mins away from me and our baby and doesn’t see it as a big deal as he’s now closer to work. He also signed back up to dating sites and was messaging women. A friend saw him on there and sent me the screenshot.
He denied it initially until I showed him proof.
But since then he apologised for doing it and has been saying all the right things about how he loves me and we can work on this for our baby and how everything’s got out of hand. That he was only trying to move on as I initiated the split and that he would have never ended the relationship if he’d had a choice.
Part of me would love to reconcile, but part of me feels like had I not reached out over him on dating sites he would have never even tried. Also the original issue - that he isn’t attracted to me - still stands. Although he is adamant that he is, it was just him being stupid and the thrill of imagining I’m another woman - which makes me sick.
I have agreed to go to counselling - whether it brings us back together or not I feel it’s important for our daughter to be amicable.
Does this seem fixable? Was it all a bit over the top of me to LTB or do you genuinely think that it’s something that can’t be worked past. Just wanting to hear from anyone who’s had trust and hurt and managed to reconcile? I mean I know people can come back from worse things than this, I’m just concerned he was 1 step away from cheating on me with how he felt.
Worst part is after 3 weeks of trying to keep it private in the hope of a reconciliation, I finally told my family and friends (after dealing with it alone for so long) and now they all hate him so this makes a reconciliation even harder.