How do I start preparing to leave?

[NeedOutASAP]

Long story short...

Married 5 years with 2 DC (3 & 1).

I gave up work when my youngest was born to be a temporary SAHM as had 2 under 2.

We jointly own our home (mortgaged).

We have savings of around £20k.

He makes me miserable. We've lost all love and respect for each other and the only communication we have is hostile.

We try not to argue in front of the DC but he slams doors, etc. and I want out before they are affected by this. My eldest is already picking up on us being sad/angry which breaks my heart.

Obviously, without having any income, I am not in a position to leave immediately. So, what do I need to do to start preparing for this (besides find a job).

My eldest is in nursery (receiving funded hours) but my youngest won't be eligible for another 2 years and the cost of childcare is extortionate.

I don't know where to start and feel quite overwhelmed.

Practical advice only please.

well you have a long climb ahead of you. If the relationship was going well would you be looking to restart work? I think that sounds very reasonable to be a start point, not just for future less dependence but because it will change how you feel about yourself and change the home dynamic as well. The other practical thing to do is to know as much as you can about your joint and individual financial circumstances, what accounts you both have etc etc
once you have got that, take a deep breath and speak to your husband about your unhappiness and a need for change. You should start with counselling, even if you think this might end in a split. There is so much at stake here you need to give yourselves a chance here to salvage if possible

If counselling is to be considered here go on your own. Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.
Abuse is NOT a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and he holds the majority of it in this relationship.

He may well sabotage any and all attempts for you to find a job in the meantime and your safety here is of paramount importance. If he does kick off further which is extremely likely, call the police.

I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid and get their advice. I would also seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap as knowledge here is also power.

Thank you for both of your responses.

Just to be clear, I'm in no physical danger. However, communication has completely broken down and he cannot be spoken to. He's very grumpy and acts like a pre-pubescent teenager, slamming doors, muttering under his breath as he leaves the room etc. it's infuriating and exhausting.

I don't enjoy spending any time in his company.

I deal with divorcing couples day in and out so I feel like I can give you some pointers....

I would recommend, and if you feel safe to do so, you let him know that you think the relationship is on its last legs and you're giving him an option to discuss an amicable breakup. If that leads to more huffing then so be it but a lot of couples tell me they wish they had spent a little more time processing their emotions before the point at which they left as it can mean a messier (and more expensive) divorce when big emotions are involved.

If you're sure you're going to split you really need to get back into work. You've had a short marriage and you will be expected to go back into the workplace. Child care is extortionate but that's the reality for every family and its better for you to have a healthy CV and experience that continue to be a SAHM.

Other than that, make sure child benefit is paid into your name and get a copy of his recent payslip or P60. You'll need this for child maintenance.

Be ready for him not to move out. He still owns half the house but plan for separation of lifestyles as much as possible.

I know you see all the negatives on Mumsnet about living together while separated but the reality, from what I hear from my couples, is very much different.

My MAJOR piece of advice and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE follow it is to grey rock. Google it if you don't know what it means.

Share information about the children. Rub along as best you can but DO NOT get pulled into arguments or tit for tat. Keep your head held high and remove yourself from any situations that might cause an argument. It's not worth fighting when you're already mentally checked out.

Practical things- take copies of all mortgage documents, bank statements etc. then make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss what happens next.
If he won't talk with you it will all have to be done formally through s solicitor.

Thank you, all very sound advice!

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. The only issue is, I don't want to live with him anymore as the door slamming in particular gives me great anxiety and I don't want the DC feeling the same. It's unnerving. I don't want to expose them to anything that might cause them fear or upset.

I'm fortunate that we could go and stay with my parents, but I don't want them going through all of that change (he won't leave, he's nowhere to go). The reality is (like may others), I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.