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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my relationship has become toxic please help!!

16 replies

samlouise45 · 20/12/2023 02:35

After the birth of my second child (now 2), I fell extremely mentally ill (possibly a mental breakdown and definitely postnatal depression) which led to the breakdown of my relationship with my childrens father.

I very quickly jumped into another relationship with my current partner in a manic state then later was diagnosed with bpd in February after I made an attempt on my life. Since then I've been trying to get on with life and heal for myself and my children.

Everything was going really well, my partner was helping me through and I had become stable due to treatment and medication for my illness. Recently my partner has moved in and everything has gone terribly wrong.

He has shown some red flags in the past but as it has been a bdsm relationship from day 1, I have completely ignored them. Now I'm in a better headspace, I have expressed not wanting to do that side of things at times and pointed out certain things are abuse out of context for example, slapping me in an argument for "attitude" instead of in a playful situation. - none of this has been around my children!

When this just involved me it was easy to ignore but recently I've noticed him getting irritable with my kids. My older daughter (age 6) has been told she can't have the remote for the tv, we have to ask to eat his cereal and he's trying to dictate my parenting under a "I'm your dom so I'm controlling everything" disguise or that's how it feels.

Help! I don't know what to do this close to Xmas or how I could've been so bloody stupid.

OP posts:

Sparrow91 · 20/12/2023 02:59

Respectfully, I think you already know what to do. He needs to go, regardless of Christmas. This is not going to improve and I think you know that.

I’m assuming from your post that it is your house?

mentallyillmummy · 20/12/2023 03:06

Sparrow91 · 20/12/2023 02:59

Respectfully, I think you already know what to do. He needs to go, regardless of Christmas. This is not going to improve and I think you know that.

I’m assuming from your post that it is your house?

Hey! Thankyou for the response. Laying on my children's bedroom floor not able to sleep.

It's rented but he isn't on the rental agreement as he only moved in last month. The change in him is worrying.

SequentialAnalyst · 20/12/2023 03:06

It is perfectly possible to be equals in real life, and have a different fantasy within which to conduct your sex life. However, in your case this sounds as if he might be into controlling for real, as it were. Does he stop when you are in bed if you ever ask him to? Does he control in everyday life just for the hell of it and/or because he thinks he is Right All the Time?

mentallyillmummy · 20/12/2023 03:11

SequentialAnalyst · 20/12/2023 03:06

Edited

Originally I asked for this to be an everyday life thing but as I'm getting better, I'm realising that it isn't how I want things. He will stop in sexual situations but he also does think he's right. Feel like he treats me like an idiot at times due to the limitations my illness causes eg. Not being able to control spending so I have to ask for my money. When I've said I want that control back he talks me back into it or tells me I can't save so I can't do it or have to prove something.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 20/12/2023 03:13

So either tell him you want the dom/sub to be strictly in the bedroom only, or break up with him.

The latter is my recommendation.

Catoo · 20/12/2023 03:14

Get rid OP.
Do it carefully with people to support you there so he can’t kick off. Change the locks if you can. Give a key to landlord obviously.

Also you’ve had a name change fail here
💐

mentallyillmummy · 20/12/2023 03:20

Catoo · 20/12/2023 03:14

Get rid OP.
Do it carefully with people to support you there so he can’t kick off. Change the locks if you can. Give a key to landlord obviously.

Also you’ve had a name change fail here
💐

Yeah I know 🤣

Thankyou!! ❤️

Weatherwax13 · 20/12/2023 03:58

Bloody hell love. Get rid of him. And as PPs said, have someone around for safety when you do it. Really hope your health continues to improve quickly.
You recognise that you're being controlled. And I think that without his presence, you'll come on in leaps and bounds.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/12/2023 05:24

For your own safety you need to break it off with him. One of the things with a Dom Sub relationship is that it's supposed to be agreed. He is forcing you to agree, that is no longer Dom Sub but is instead abuse.

Wait until he's out of the house, pack up his things and lock him out, change the locks if you need to. (Make sure you get an extra for your landlord if needed and advise them afterwards).

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 05:34

He's an abuser. No decent man whether he has a dominance kink or not would agree to take control of the life of a woman with serious MH issues and young children. It's just abuser behaviour. I'm not coming from a position of judgement, my relationship is D/s but this extends only to bedroom fun and in other respects we are total equals. You need to get him out of your house immediately, don't let him argue to wait til after Christmas. This man is very dangerous for you and for your kids.

cerisepanther73 · 20/12/2023 05:43

@samlouise45 I think 🤔 he is just taking advantage of your emotional fragile state of mind to his advantage and to you and your daughter's disvantage under the it's part of the Dom games role playing senerio,

the idea of Dom roles playing its susposed to be in a spirit of full consenual agreement,
you definitely shouldn't feel even a hint of emotional manipulative abusive tendencies whatever,

If it no longer feel right , feels weird even just a bit
listen to this red warning flag

this relationship is definitely entered into controlling abusive one

Time to move on from it and get support elsewhere for yourself and daughter

cerisepanther73 · 20/12/2023 05:45

Typo omission terriority *

cerisepanther73 · 20/12/2023 05:51

@samlouise45

This is coercive behaviour in a manipulative way

under the guise of Dom/ submission role playing
he is trying to fudge blur the lines to confuse you so you are less likely to see his motives for what they really are

be very careful don't even hint to him what you intend to do about him leaving him ending your relationship get plenty of good support around you as much as possible

Ormside · 20/12/2023 05:54

Please kick him out. Your DC didn't sign up for this.

makeminealargeoneagain · 20/12/2023 08:54

Get rid. You and your children deserve better. He's an abusive arse.

Bananalanacake · 20/12/2023 09:09

If he only moved in last month he can move out again, taking control of your money when you've got DC? What a nasty fucking bastard.

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