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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would he do this ?

17 replies

capabilityfrowns · 19/12/2023 23:54

I matched with a guy in a paid for dating app .

He was local and we agreed to meet last Sunday for dinner . It was going well but it transpired he was in my line of work having retired 5 years previously. He then told me he'd been married 3 times , his second wife is someone I work with now . I was a bit taken aback , he claimed all 3 marriages failed because of the women's actions which I found hard to believe and told me some take abkut the woman I work with .

I told him that if I'd known I worked with his second ex wife I wouldn't have had the date and asked for discretion.

Today a mutual colleague messaged me asking if I was seeing this man . He told his daughter who told her mother - my colleague.
I've explained the circumstances and how we matched on a date app and said since this has come to light I won't see him again .

Why the frickin hell did he tell his daughter that he was seeing me !? It was one bloody date ! I can only presume it was to provoke a reaction in his ex wife ? It's made life awkward for me and absolutely scuppered any second date plans because he's clearly an idiot .

I've messaged mutual colleague back saying I've no intention of seeing him again - that he isn't "seeing me" it was one date off the back of a date app . I've messaged him to tell him I won't be seeing him again and blocked him .

There was a lot of baggage - 3 failed marriages none of them his fault of course - and I was wary due to this but I'd perhaps have seen him again if he has t rode roughshod over what he said and blabbled to all and sundry .

I've dodged a bullet haven't I ? What a bloody idiot .

OP posts:
Onehouratatime · 20/12/2023 00:29

I'd 100% say bullet dodged. You asked for discretion in light of something you've found out he didn't listen to your request at all...instead told his daughter wtf...no no no

And 3 failed marriages...not his fault..NO. BULLET DOGED well done xx

capabilityfrowns · 20/12/2023 00:30

Thought so . Thank you

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 20/12/2023 23:26

He denied telling his dd , but there would be no other way his ex wife would know ! So he's lied . After one date .

I'm out .

OP posts:
kimchio · 21/12/2023 12:22

Of course you've dodged a bullet. Why do you even need to ask. Do you genuinely think he's the one? No he's a dick. So move on. Work on your self esteem if you are doubting if you've dodged a bullet. It's such a huge bullet it's a missile. Congrats on getting out there when times have been so tough for you. Keep on keeping on.

GrazingSheep · 21/12/2023 14:59

It’s good you are able to get out and about again.

Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 15:03

Massive bullet dodged. Sometimes it's really helpful when they wave not 1 but 2 massive red flags on/after 1 date. Saves a lot of wasted time.

Shouldershoulder · 21/12/2023 15:06

I'm so glad you're feeling better, definitely give this one a swerve.

RoastyToastyBaps · 21/12/2023 15:12

I agree that a man who takes no responsibility for three failed marriages is to be avoided, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him talking to his daughter about who he’s dating.

I don’t think you have any right to tell him who he can discuss the date with. So what if he used to be married to someone you work with? They might’ve been wrong for each other and you might’ve been right for each other.

SamW98 · 21/12/2023 15:19

Definitely a bullet dodged. The 3 ex wives is enough of a red flag for me let alone the ‘poor me it wasn’t my fault it was those nasty women’

And yes he’s told his daughter knowing it’ll get back to his ex wife but he can deny being the one to tell her. And he’s totally disrespected your boundaries- thankfully almost no time wasted on the wrong un

ACynicalDad · 21/12/2023 15:22

Be grateful it was only one night not years into a relationship, bullet dodged, move on. Perhaps explain to number 2 so she heard it from the horse’s mouth.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 21/12/2023 16:01

Not sure why, in the middle of him waving his red flags at you, you told him your worked with her.

Red flag central. It was fairly obvious he wasn’t going to be discreet. He can blame you not wanting to see him on one of his ex wives.

CherryJones1 · 21/12/2023 18:14

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Burntouted · 21/12/2023 22:48

You dodged a serious bullet.

You'll never genuinely know what happened.. but all of this mess and drama is too much..and it's best not to be involved in any of it.

He scoped you out intentionally and probably was trying to use you to get back at his ex wife or something.

He's creepy.

Let them have the drama.

capabilityfrowns · 21/12/2023 22:52

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Why ? Why ?

I'm still being tested for MS and I'm still testing positive for Lyme disease.

I've got an MRI booked for brain and spine . Just because I'm ill doesn't mean I can't date ! I've had 2 dates in 18 months fgs.

My gp thinks I have ms and I told him (the date ) that before we met . What the fucks it got to do with you ?

OP posts:
Chesterdoodle · 21/12/2023 23:07

Bullet dodged for sure! what an awful post from CherryJones1 I've reported

capabilityfrowns · 21/12/2023 23:26

Chesterdoodle · 21/12/2023 23:07

Bullet dodged for sure! what an awful post from CherryJones1 I've reported

Thank you.
It seems some people can't believe someone undergoing some medical tests is allowed a date .

I did disclose the tests before meeting so he wasn't blindsided.

I'm have a needle aspiration done on my knee in feb because of the Lyme tests - and I'd actually like it to just be Lyme disease and not MS obviously. Lyme is treatable - MS is lifelong . I'm having g some really odd symptoms (had an optic neuritis) and during the time they were looking for a cause I tested positive for Lyme antibodies, also tested positive for quantiferon and I'm being investigated for those as well as MS . I guess it's a lot to believe but it's true. I'm still allowed a life . Even if that entails 2 dates in 18 months.

OP posts:
kimchio · 24/12/2023 11:31

It's just jealousy OP. Of course you can date. As long as its nothing infectious I don't see why you have to tell anyone one on a first date

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