House renovation really affecting relationship - sounds silly but true

[MrsMattie]

We've been renovating our house while living in it (with a 3 yr old) for the past 6 months. It's been stressful, but we have managed to cope with all sorts of inconveneinces, like periods of no heating in the middle of winter while boiler system being put in / periods of no electricity while electrics being done / no bathroom for 2 months while new one put in / major problems with unreliable workmen etc etc etc. We haven't had an oven for 6 months (waiting for our new kitchen extension to start - already 2 months overdue ) - and for the past month we have all been sleeping together on a mattress on the floor in our living room while the upstairs of the house is plastered and painted.

It has been bloody hard for all of us to effectively project manage this renovation and live in this absolute tip (all our clothes are in black bags at the moment...it's so hard to be organised in any shape or form ) and for DH to run his business and me to look after our son and keep him from strangling himself on a dangling electrical cord or dive into a huge hole in the wall or some such hideous building site-related danger.

Now I've come to the stage where I have just about had enough, and we aren't even a third of the way through this renovation. I love the house, the area, everything about our new life, and I know that there is no turning back now (I wouldn't want to) and in about a year's time (hopefully) we will have a great family house for our future together...but right now I am sick to the back teeth of living like this. I can't have any friends around. I have to spend most days out of the house as it isn't safe for our son or pleasant for us to hang out because of the dust, fumes and noise. I am living like a tramp, all my stuff in bags and boxes, and I just long for a home.

We've just come back from a family holiday to give us a break from the relentless of it all, and had a lovely time - me and DH were like honeymooners again - but now we are back, there are more problems with the builders, the house is a state and I just feel completely off balance - no centre, no organisation, like I am going a bit mad - and me and DH are arguing non-stop about every petty little thing. I feel miserable. Sorry for the rant. Sorry for being self indulgent and spoilt. Thanks for reading.

should say relentlessness in last para

Hi. Just to let you know I did read. And sympathise.

DP and I are in the middle of a much smaller renovation so don't have half the stresses that you do. We still bicker though. I think the constant stress of living amongst the evidence of all the work still to do is just so draining.

As you say, you wouldn't go back even if you could. It will be worth it in the end.

oh mrsmattie am sorry, our renovation only took about 6 months but we had a 3yr old and a baby and it was stressful too

luckily I wasn't at work to help manage it but it was still a mess. we got as much done as we could and have now forgotten about it for a year, we still need to change some sockets and put up a splashback inthe kitcken etc but we'd had enough

there is light at the end of the tunnel and it will all be worthwhile, just try not to take it out on each other and verbilise the fact you had a wonderful holiday and can't wait till everything is back the way it should be again

Oh you poor thing been there and it is hideous. Is there any chance you can move out for 3-6 months and get it completed. Living in the property will mean that it takes so much longer and thus will actually end up costing you more in the long term. We moved out for 12 weeks whilst we were doing major renovations to out last house and it was the best thing we ever did

Oh I sympthise, we have had two relatively small scale renovations done to our house (loft conversion and one room extension) and I clearly remember (whilst pg with ds) crying to dh 'it just doesn't feel like home, I don't want to be here' and also actually moving out to a friends for two nights while dh was away (was also pg then...with dd)because it was freezing and blowing a gale and we had half the roof missing! It's a freakin nightmare.

We took the back off our house double story extension extended on the ground floor, put in 2 new bathrooms and had a complete rewire. With a 2 year old and a 6 month old was a little stressful

I really sympathise We have done this 7 times believe it or not and we are still alive!It is stressful though so if you can afford it have the odd treat of a night away.It will be worth it in teh end

Thanks all. We are considering moving out for 12 weeks -ish while the kitchen extension is done, as the builder thinks the dust from the brickwork will be dangerous for our son to breathe in. But even that prospect fills me with dread. Having to pack up our stuff and be nomads again for weeks on end (we have moved several times in the last few years - always stressy)...oh I dunno, I'm such a misery today.

I know the prospect seems awful but in the long run if you move out you will be into your completed beautiful home quicker.

Probably in time for the children to play in the garden all summer, for you and DH to have a chilled glass of wine on an evening and also to be able to choose wall colours at your leisure rather than just putting something up to get it finished.

Keep positive and keep thinking of what the finished article will be like

We built our house too, while we were living in it. It really felt like a case of 'don't try this at home'. The whole place was filthy, there was nowhere to put anything, and we argued about pretty much everything. It was ghastly for a long long time. I do sympathise! I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end!

i sympathise. went through this for a year before we had DS (was preg at the time, luckily was an easy pregnancy and i had plenty of energy for DIY)

must be a lot, lot harder with DC around.

it is worth it in the end. i loved our flat and renovating it gave us the monney to move to a house 3 years later. i cried when we left the flat, thuogh, coz i'd put my heart and soul into it.

funnily enough when we were looking at houses, i specifically looked for houses that needed no work doing

MrsMattie, just wanted to offer my sympathy. We have also been through this 3 times now - we just never go for sensible houses, they are all too boring or too expensive!

Anyway the only thing that kept me going last time was just having one room that was finished. Is there a room that's finished?

Totally sympathise, we have gutted our house from top to bottom and only cosmetically!! No extensions or anything but new bathrooms, kitchen, replastering and redecorating a 3bed originally with ds1 then 18months when it all started and we are on the final leg now with ds1 now nearly 5 and ds2 nearly 2!!!

We will be looking to move in the next 12 months and we are seriously looking for something that needs no work!!!

Even if it needed a new bathroom we would still have to choose everything and source it. Now I know why people hire interior designers

It is hell and we have bumped along through it all but it is fantastic when it is done and you just have to keep that in mind, also try to reward yourself for what you have finished instead of thinking oh God we still have X, Y, and Z left to do.

We took photos all the way through so there are some corkers, DH knocking through walls all togged up in overalls, dust mask and goggles with a large clear plastic sheet between him and me to keep the dust in just one room, me 7 months pregnant knocking tiles off the wall. Looking back it is hysterical, at the time, shite.

I am living mid extension chaos too so can sympathise with that feeling of disorganisation and bad temper!

My worse thing is how filthy everything is. I pull the clothes out of the washing machine (one of the few appliances working) and they fall on the dusty palster covered floor so i have to wash them again. Grrrr!

I am going to torch the carpet in my living room, which currrently houses microwave. toaster and kettle. We don't have to share a mattress, thank god!

Try and treat yourselves whenever you can, a hot bath at a friends, or a pizza out. Those little gems of normality make the madness easier!

I feel your pain.We moved into a house that needed total renovation,with a 2 year old & a 3 week old.I don't know what we were thinking!

3 years down the line,we have one room that is totally finished,so at least we can shut the door on the rest of the chaos & forget that bits of the kitchen keep falling off & that the bathroom is half finished.

It WILL be worth it.That is what I keep telling myself.