Which would you rather?

[BRAERS]

If you were in a new relationship and an ex (or someone clearly interested) messaged your partner, would you rather them not reply or say they're in a relationship and not interested? Me and my partner are disagreeing and I'm curious....

Probably not reply. But then if they persist then say the latter.

I guess it depends who the pursuer is. Someone at work your do would see regularly or someone they are unlikely to see much

I think it probably depends. How new is the new relationship? How long ago did the ex become an ex and would you want friendship with them even if you're not interested in a relationship? How long was the relationship with the ex?

I think simply ghosting and not replying is not nice for any reason, so I'd probably prefer for them to say sorry I'm now in another relationship and not interested.

If the person then doesn't respect that and keeps pushing the boundaries, then simply don't respond further.

Depends who it is and what the message is. Is it a “Merry Christmas” type message which you just have a feeling is a breadcrumb to find out whether they have a chance? If so then a good stock response is “And to you, too! All is good with me, Brenda / Bradley and I are looking forward to spending our first Christmas together. Festive wishes to you and yours and all the best for the new year.”

And even it’s not like that then I always think it’s best just to be open and honest with people. Whoever this is they haven’t done anything wrong by simply messaging and showing their hand, giving them an answer is fair and draws a line under it.

Yeah I was vague sorry! So his ex messaged him just saying she hoped he was okay and he didn't reply. I was a little confused that he didn't reply but he doesn't think there's any reason to reply. No intention of being friends. I didn't understand why he didn't reply but he said "well I can't just reply and say I'm in a relationship. Hope you're okay too".

I always think it’s best just to be open and honest with people. Whoever this is they haven’t done anything wrong by simply messaging and showing their hand, giving them an answer is fair and draws a line under it.

I agree.

Replying is an active response; ignoring is passive.

In this situation, an active response is always best and definite and leaves no room for ambiguity.

It was definitely a breadcrumb fishing type message!

In this scenario, no reply at all. There’s no reason to reply. Replying in any way only feeds their attention.

That's interesting, I don't think I've ever not replied to someone. Unless I've specifically said I'm not interested and they persist. She's messaged a few times in the last week - this made me think of you, that sort of thing. He thinks I've naive for believing that him saying he's in a relationship will get her to stop and that he's better off ignoring her. I think ignoring is harsh.

Rather not reply, as any reply is still attention.

I don't think I'd care either way, as long as there was no active encouragement. There isn't a 'right' thing to do, it's very subjective. I'd be more concerned about my partner's feelings about it.

@Watchkeys what do you mean by being more concerned about your partner's feelings about it? I was just curious as I'd have replied and he hasn't and he thinks I'm crazy for having replied 😂

If its an ex you don't want to be friends with, why would they not be blocked so messages don't happen? Or at least, if they do happen, then block?

It’s clearly just something you have a difference of opinion on. The only thing I’d be cautious of is it being an indicator that he’s the jealous and insecure type and, at some point, going to turn on you and use the fact that you’ve ever sent a polite message to an ex as an accusation that you still fancy them / are cheating. Your boyfriend calling you “crazy” over something this benign rarely ends well.

Oh I think that was taken too literally. He couldn't understand why I'd thought he would reply. I'm probably more jealous than he is if I'm honest but I'm very much of the belief that if they want to cheat they will. I hate the idea of her just waiting for him to reply. If that makes any sense.

Only thing I'd be concerned about is that by not responding and actively closing that door, he's leaving it open to later come back to and say, "oh, sorry I didn't reply earlier due to x, y, z".

If he actively says he's not interested because he's in a new relationship he's closing down the possibility of contact later.

Honestly I couldn't care less. As long as he's not planning on actually cheating on me, he can handle other interested parties however he wishes. I don't have any rule of thumb for handling exes/men interested in me, it depends on the circumstances.

I personally would reply, because I harbour no ill feelings towards any of my exes ands I am actually friends/in contact with some of them.

As I trust my boyfriend, I am not bothered by what he chooses to do if an ex messages him. However, he is a really generous, lovely person so I'd imagine he'd reply to a message like that even if just to see how his ex is doing. I know he is in regular contact with one of his exes who has been very unfortunately in life lately. He tells me about her and I don't mind at all.

If a partner wants to cheat, he will find a way. I'd rather not worry about it at all.