Calling out misogynistic father, feeling sad for mum

[PontypPony]

Bit of background: grew up with an emotionally abuse father who was very volatile and critical towards me. Only since becoming a parent during last 4 years have I really realised how wrong this all was and how much it has affected me as an adult, eg low self esteem etc. I've just muddled along and since becoming a mum, thought, whoah that was all so f'cked up . I am very close to my mum, who has always worked really hard to keep my dad happy.

This last week. My dad made a few unnecessary comments about my mum's appearance and weight in the family group chat which made me feel sad for my mum to have to read them and uncomfortable. I have a DS 4yrs and 5 month old DD. Since having a girl, I've become even more frustrated about my dad's attitude. I have gently corrected him and called him out when making misogynistic comments in front of us all recently. I privately messaged him after the recent group chat comments asking him to delete his msgs about my mum and said that, regardless of intent, his comments could cause upset. He's completely blown up and now refusing to come to ours for Christmas or have anything more to do with me. I feel upset for my mum who says she doesnt want to leave my dad on his own on Christmas day. They live 5 hours drive away so she cant just pop round. I know she's going to be devastated not seeing her grandchildren on Christmas day, I am really upset too.

Where do we go from here? I regret saying something for my mum's sake but I don't think what i said was wrong.

She's made her choice OP - sorry. He is punishing you by punishing her.

Also, she made her choice a long time ago to go along with his behaviour.... that may give you food for thought?

Gosh! You absolutely said the right thing. His reaction is pathetic. Does your Mum know why the row happened? Tbh I would not budge on this. Though it’s a shame for your poor Mum, if you capitulate you’re just enabling his awful behaviour. She is a grown adult and if she wants to put up with that at the expense of not seeing her family then she has to be asking herself some hard questions. Hugs to you, what a rotten thing to have to deal with

Your mother has chosen a side here and she has chosen her husband. It was ever thus; this was a woman who worked hard to keep your dad happy. She failed both herself and you by choosing to stay with her abuser (for what are really her own reasons, none of which are anything to do with you). She will never leave him. What if anything do you yourself know about her childhood, that often gives clues. I would think her childhood was also abusive and that is partly also why she is with someone like your dad.

She has failed to protect you from him and continues to throw you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. She has shown that she cannot be relied upon at all either; she is his enabler and secondary abuser here.

Am glad your dad has decided that he wants nothing more to do with you because it saves you the task of cutting him out of your life.

The fault lies entirely with the perpetrators of the abuse meted out to you; you are not to blame for any of this. I would look into contacting NAPAC for your own self as this could help you.

NAPAC – Supporting Recovery From Childhood Abuse

Well, he's a bully, and you either stand up to bullies or cut them out of your life.

My dad slagged my mum off to anyone who would listen, he used to go on and on about her weight, never getting a meal cooked for him, he was such an arsehole towards her.

I fought with him constantly over it whilst my mum sat there and said nothing.

Never ever back down to him, if he does not want to come to yours, good, less chance of him spoiling Christmas. This is exactly how I treat my dad, he never did like the fact that I stood up to him, your dad sounds awful.

You did the right thing. Good for you. It will have given your mum food for thought and hopefully some encouragement to look at things differently and stop putting up with his shite. But standing up for herself will be a really big step after years of this treatment.

Can you find time to go and visit her and see her by herself?

You either tacitly condone his words and actions by accepting them without challenge, which keeps your mum's boat un-rocked as she lives her life smoothing everything over, as she always has done and will continue to do since she chose to accept her role as his emotional punch bag (metaphorically speaking hopefully)... And all that teaches and shows your children is what relationships and life is all about (it's ok to treat people like shit and no respect and still expect them to kiss your proverbial)...
Or
You refuse to go along with his nasty and abusive words, and emotional outbursts as he tries to demand you buckle down as you always previously have. Instead you reject calmly what he stands for, keep the door open for change even as you expect it to be futile, show support mum to see you have a place for her and her love. This gives your children an example of what it looks like to refuse to endorse the presence of deeply objectionable treatment in your life and those of your loved ones... And all that entails in making life more difficult in terms of the paper over the cracks coming away...

There is no easy choice because he is ghastly and he makes it impossible to for a nice choice to be available.
The past belonged to him but the future belongs to your children so I know which I would choose, unpleasant though he will make it.

Lots of good advice here especially @ArchetypalBusyMum

Stand up to him and don’t back down - he is behaving like a bully ( and is probably astounded by your stance)

Your kids are too young to register that grandad isn’t there - and just perhaps it galvanises your mum

Goid for you in doing the right thing

Id of called him out on the group chat

I would be standing firm and telling your ma you're sorry, but you are not prepared to put up with his long-term behaviour toward her even though she is. I feel sorry for her - after all this time she probably knows how much she could suffer on return if she made the 5 hour journey to see you and your DC. Get your DC to do a great video for her and send it to her. Good luck

I feel upset for my mum who says she doesnt want to leave my dad on his own on Christmas day. They live 5 hours drive away so she cant just pop round. I know she's going to be devastated not seeing her grandchildren on Christmas day, I am really upset too

He reacted like that because he was embarrassed at the fact that someone actually called him out on his behaviour, and then he became angry.
It's possible your mum's a coward that tries to avoid any action that will come at a cost to her, no matter what the situation is, but also possible that what she's really trying to avoid is the subsequent punishment she'll get from him.

I think you'll just have to grit this one out. Apologising to him might enable him and worsen his behaviour in future. Just make sure you tell her they're both welcome at Christmas.

As children we had to put up with our parents behavior as adults we do not.
I had it in reverse my mother was an abusive, aggressive drunk.
My dad who i always felt sorry for never protected me from her rages and belittling.
I believed he just wanted a quiet life but I grew to realize that is nonsense. Enablers are also manipulative just less obvious, they are facilitating the abuse.
My dad got attention because everyone felt sorry for him having such an awful wife. Normal people do not behave like that.
Toxic, dysfunctional and best avoided. Good for you for calling him out.

Thank you everyone so much for your words and advice. I am so pleased I posted now, I didn't anticipate so much compassion and helpful, kind comments from strangers from the internet. ❤

My mum is coming up for 2 days at the end of the week. I understand and agree with posters suggesting my mum is an enabler but I still feel very sad for her and being alone with him on Christmas day. She had a hard time growing up so understand how she's ended up here, it breaks my heart as she is a lovely person away from my dad. My partner is a very gentle, kind man, I am so grateful so have found him and broken the cycle 🙏

My dad is a very charismatic and interesting person who has had great success in many areas of life. I have previously always spoken fondly about him. I find it fascinating and equally distressing that it took me this long to fully recognise the problematic relationship with my dad.