Struggling and just feel I'm in a lose lose situation

[Thinkwillithelp]

I've been with my husband for over 10 years and it I'm honest there were red flags with him from the start. He's big into love bombing and has high expectations of what his partner should and shouldn't do whilst not living up to his own standards. Anyway, over the years any highs with him started to become muted due to the lows and frequent verbal and emotional abuse. I always saw a glimmer of hope with him as he does seemingly recognise when he has acted incorrectly and will apologise but he doesn't seem able to prevent the same behaviour again. He has been to numerous therapists and anger management professionals to try and help him react in a more appropriate way and it's sometimes helped in the short term but never for long. We've had two kids along the way who are both under 10 yrs old and the last few years have been hard. My tolerance of his behaviour towards me has reduced to rock bottom mainly due to my kids witnessing it and not wanting them to grow up in this environment. Ive left before and been guilted into returning but my heart and head weren't it in and it didn't last long before we decided to break up. We've separated and sorted the housing situation out and I'm being as reasonable as I can be to accommodate his time with the kids. His job is demanding and can mean he can't always be sure when he can look after them and I understand that. But here in lies the issue. In some way or other this leads to me having to see him everyday, he might drop in just to see kids but end up then hanging around and getting over friendly, or even just drop in a box of cakes for us but still come in stick the kettle on. He'll try and hug and kiss me or make some sort of innuendo sometimes in front of the kids which drives me mad as I can't react if the kids are there and if I do he says 'you love it really' NO I DONT. I'm taking the high road probably 90% of the time and losing my mind the rest of it. He definitely thinks we can carry on in a relationship even though we live apart and it's not what I want. He threatens how awful he will be to me if I take this to the next level and divorce him, he'll threaten his own safety or not being there for the kids anymore. I know this is all control tactics but its easier said than done dealing with it as I'm desperate for things to remain civil for the good of the kids. He's up and down like he's on a pogo stick and it only takes me saying no to any sort of contact which involves me for him to spiral. Such as wanting us to go for a family a meal and me saying "come and take the kids but I'm going to get on with some other stuff" and it's like a bomb goes off in his head. I agree to doing things altogether occasionally but he makes suggestions all the time. I don't know what to do to maintain my boundaries without adding fuel to his bomb of a personality?!

He is never going to make the process of further separating from him at all easy or straight forward because he is at heart abusive and has been so throughout your relationship. He wants to "punish" you for leaving him because in his head he is a perfect male specimen of manliness. He cannot and will not do civil with you re his children; he wants to win at all costs and all he cares about is his own manipulative self.

He is patently not bothered about the kids either and will indeed use them further as a means of messing you about re his access to them. He is further disrespecting them and you by messing with your head and disregarding any boundaries you care to set him.

Such men do not change and no amount of therapists or anger management courses (those in particular) are any real answer to domestic abuse which is what you are describing. He has always felt this entitled to act this way and it would not surprise me at all if his childhood featured abuse from his father to his mother. Men like this too hate women, ALL of them.

I would certainly formalise via the courts any and all contact arrangements between he and the children. No more he turning up at your home being a sex pest and keeping a close eye on you by otherwise turning up at your home every day; this has to cease. What all this is doing to these children here is incalculable but it will affect them markedly.

How sharp is your Solicitor here?. Continue with divorce proceedings and in the meantime also speak to the Rights of Women and Womens Aid; they can also advise you.

Thanks for your message, it definitely feels like thats the way it's going to have to go, just have to stop waiting for it to solve itself, a bit wussy of me.

You're entirely correct about his childhood and he hated it but thinks that as he doesn't do exactly what his dad did that he isn't that bad. He's a diluted version. It has definitely impacted his behaviour though.

I'll get through Christmas and take some hard next steps.

Really appreciate your reply, thank you xx