Struggling with guilt because of a health issue

[Linnyh]

So... this might seem odd but I definitely have an issue with guilt. My guilt to be specific and I dont want to feel like this but need to see things from a different perspective.

My partner is older (51) than me with two children of his own. And I am 34 with no children. (aware of the age difference but it works for us) We have been together for 5 years, I get on well with his children and he is an incredible supportive, loving, wonderful partner and a brilliant Dad.

Last year I found a lump in my neck and went through a very long diagnosis process and found out that I have a rare tumour. It was removed successfully but since have found out it was malignant, that it was caused by a genetic mutation and that there are many more risk factors and things I need to be scanned for. My life has gone from being really healthy and nothing ever wrong to now a constant wait for results, tests and dealing with health stuff.

My partner has been amazing and supportive of me, but I feel guilty mainly because his children are getting less attention from him, he might have to change an arrangement with them because something comes up at hospital etc. Two weeks after my surgery his youngest (she is 17) has sent a really long message said she doesn't want to spend time with him and now she doesn't answer his calls, doesn't come round etc. I am worried that my medical stuff is causing a strain on his relationship with his children because he has maybe spent too much time with me or talking about me when he is with them. Yes she is a tricky teenager anyway but I can see the conflict in him and his struggles.

With Christmas around the corner I want him to get on the right foot again with his girls... but I have an MRI early Jan for a possible related brain tumour, and I felt another lump this morning the other side of my neck like last time and I just dread telling him and crushing his world. This is certainly not what he signed up for with a younger partner - I know how this sounds but the guilt is real.

Any advice and tips on how maybe I can speak to his children, they are both young ladies and not little children and I have a really open relationship with them, they ask me stuff they would rather not ask Mum or Dad! So I feel I can speak to them but dont want it to all be about me....

I'm sorry you're burdened with all these health issues OP.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. And on top of that, you're worrying about the impact you're having onr your boyfriends relationship with his children.

However, guilt is a not a constructive emotion, not a useful way to spend the energy and time you have.
Guilt is useful to help people navigate difficult decisions and to keep in mind that there are other people involved. You seem to be doing that already. What is there to feel guilty about?
You haven't actively chosen to be ill. You've done nothing to maliciously steal your boyfriends attention away from his children. You're a victim here, as well as everyone else.

He's been with you for 5 years. He loves you. If he only chose you because of your youth and health, that would make him a selfish, shallow A-hole. I assume that's not the case. Can you blame him for being worried and wanting to be there for you? What if it were the other way around?

Kids, especially older kids, need to learn that the world suck sometimes, and that means they won't always get the things they want. No injustice has been done to them exclusively. Everyone's suffering. That's just the way it is sometimes.

I remember when I was 16 and my stepdad got terminal cancer. My younger brother and I even volunteered to move in with our father and grandmother for a few months, so my mom could be with my stepdad full time and care for him at home so he wouldn't have to go into hospice care. Nothing about that was easy for me, but for goodness sake, it was hard on everyone. No one needs to feel guilty about that!

Speaking to his children is not your job. If his relationship is suffering, that's on him to handle, and his choice when the right time for that conversation might be.

thank you @Hbosh this is actually really helpful. I guess I am attempting to protect him a bit by wanting to do the discussion part with his kids but you are right he needs to handle it.

I guess I didn't want there to be a bit of jealousy from his children.

thank you for taking the time to reply its really helpful.