Navigating Personality Differences...Is It Me?

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As the title says I'm struggling to navigate the personalty differences between myself and my partner, and ultimately I can't see whether we are just 'too different' to work long-term, or whether frankly I am the one that needs to be more sympathetic and a little more understanding/flexible.

We have been together 3.5 years. We live together, and have no children on either side, which isn't going to change. I am the higher earner but we both do well and have a nice standard of living although nothing OTT. He is very hands-on, skilled practical application person and I am more office/contract based.

I am a very black-and-white type of person, I'm not particularly emotional in terms of my personality or in how I make decisions and I feel I compartmentalize fairly well, i.e. if I'm stressed at work I try not to let this affect my weekends or downtime etc. I'm not short tempered as such, and am generally pretty level but I do have minimal internal patience in some scenarios. I'm a fan of my own way I will admit.

DP on the other hand is the most emotional person I have ever encountered. He is hugely empathetic, un-selfish and kind, but also what I see as far more mentally fragile. He gets very upset and stressed about stuff which in my (entirely subjective) opinion doesn't warrant his extreme reaction, or the amount of energy/time he allows it to consume. Stuff I would categorize as trivial day to day life stuff, or minor/fixable inconveniences.

Obviously he is entitled to feel the way he does, however my ability to offer support/sympathy etc is getting less and less as sometimes I literally feel like 'FFS what non-issue is he stressing about now' - although I haven't said this, I think he feels less supported by me lately. To clarify, his emotional stress manifests as low mood, general depressive behavior and low motivation - nothing threatening or violent or anything like that - generally the opposite.

Aside from this we get on really well, he 100% pulls his weight at home (more than to be honest) and I don't doubt his integrity for a second. He doesn't go out drinking or on benders, absolutely prioritizes our relationship in terms of how he spends his time and is an all-round good person. He likes a lot of physical affection whereas I am a total 'acts of service' kind of person. He treats me very well and I would loose so many positives if we/I can't find a way to figure this out, which I absolutely don't want. Other than the aforementioned we have lots in common and have very similar goals & interests in life etc.

I feel guilty for not maybe sympathizing as much as I should, and for feeling irritated by his lack of ability to apply (what I feel) is a suitable emotional response to some situations. A lot of his stresses are very repetitive specifically about his own work stress, or about money which is just not warranted.

In summary I love him to death but sometimes I just want to run away and leave him to deal with his latest non-drama for fear of him sensing my internal eye-roll... Am I just a crap partner or are we just different/do I need to just suck it up and be more tolerant?

I wonder if he is quite repetitive with bringing these stresses home because he feels like he's not been heard properly by you. Maybe a proper conversation about issues on a Friday night would then clear the way for a non-grumbly weekend?

He gets very upset and stressed about stuff which in my (entirely subjective) opinion doesn't warrant his extreme reaction, or the amount of energy/time he allows it to consume. Stuff I would categorize as trivial day to day life stuff, or minor/fixable inconveniences.

Can you give examples, please?

Also you sound a bit like me and I like to problem solve with action. So if he says "in worried about money" I'd suggest 20 ways to solve this when perhaps he just wants a "I get it, that sucks" emotional recognition.

This is quite difficult as you've put a lot in here, but detail is missing. Overall, I think that someone who is emotional, wants constant affection etc is not going to do well with someone who is pragmatic, practical and less affectionate unless both are willing to compromise fairly significantly.

You say his emotional stress leads to low mood, general depressive behaviour and low motivation? Are these things he's expecting you to fix? eg, if he's a bit stressed about something and therefore feeling a bit down, are you supposed to sit on the couch holding his hand and talking about his feelings? or is it okay if you give him a hug, make him a cup of tea and then head out on your already planned run?

what sort of minor things cause this reaction too? Because it's hard to see if they are minor or not if you haven't said what they were - missing his favourite tv show is minor, being told that his mother has a major health issue is not

It sounds like you need to find common ground on how to be the kind of support the other one needs.

Honestly, OP, to me you sound like an emotionally constipated person. I get it, you've done well for yourself being a no-nonsense person who doesn't waste too much time 'feeling'. But that also means you've been repressing your own emotions and have lost touch with them, and also with the people who actually still feel theirs.

Maybe your boyfriend is a bit 'much', but I agree with @Dynamoat , people who feel unheard tend to get stuck on repeat. I'm the same way when my emotions don't get acknowledged.
Emotions don't usually need much, other than being allowed to exist, felt and processed. You can't fix an emotional need with a practical solution.
You need to work on your emotional skills if you want to stay in this relationship.

I suppose to give examples; he gets stressed if plans change short notice, if he has to do something semi important out of his comfort zone like speak to our mortgage provider or renew his passport (I ended up doing the form myself), or if he doesn't have all the information, like if I ask him to go to the shop I have to send him with a detailed list, or otherwise it concludes in 2-3 phone calls getting unnecessarily stressed about EXACTLY which red pesto I wanted... he's getting stressed over nothing and the fact of the matter is I don't care which pesto he buys, or any at all! And he knows 100% I wouldn't care so I just don't get the need for the stress? I could give a hundred examples like this.

I agree I am at the non-emotional end of the scale. I'm extremely lucky that my life so far has been reasonably straight forward so it's not like it's a trauma response or anything, it's just how I am. I can recognize emotion in others of course but I admit it isn't my strong point to empathize outwardly. Despite this lots of people (friends/family etc) do seem to like to discuss their problems with me, maybe because I offer a more practical approach?

I also agree with not knowing what the requirement is - i.e. do you want sympathy or do you want a solution? Solutions I can do (and do try), sympathy I find more difficult if I can't identify with the problem but I do really try.

I know this sounds terrible but sometimes I feel like sometimes he just likes having something to complain about, as in we've discussed a solution, it isn't actioned, and so the next time the issue arises my aptitude for entertaining it is lessened... it's probably more likely that he doesn't know how to action the proposed solution but rather than discuss it feel like a lot of the issues (mostly work related) are just on repeat...

I think the shopping thing and the phone call thing is a bit of strategic incompetence. He might be anxious about these things (no one likes using the phone!) but you helping him just will make it worse because he will learn if he acts incompetent and stressed you take over. Send him shopping, tell him your phone will be off. Don't get involved in his passport woes etc.

He couldn’t renew his passport? Are there possibly issues with executive function at play?

I would find being with your partner challenging. I think a lot of people would. Have you discussed all of this with him?

My honest answer?? Don't laugh - is he a Cancer sun sign? Very emotional and fragile, can't handle stuff that others handle with ease BUT the most living of the zodiac. That's where I'd look for answers if I were you, your birth charts.

I dated a musician for five years, he had an Aquarius sun and a Cancer moon, and google said the Cancer moon placement would be very strong and over ride the sun placement.

It was true that he would need me for the entire evening every now and then, to support him emotionally about some work issue or other, and this happened regularly, and I used to think, he plays to crowds of hundreds of thousands - is he not strong?? He was - but he was just a Cancer moon. You can't have that tenderness and 'I know baby, I know' without the fretting and the vulnerability.

I am sure many would think this post stupid, but you asked for options and that is mine.

Well, that does sound like someone who struggles with executive function and/or ADHD. BUT.... in my opinion, that's not a reason to continue to be useless. the trick is to an accept that, for example, calling a mortgage broker or getting a new passport is something that just has to be done, so what tools can he put in place to make sure he does these with as little stress as possible? Currently, his tools appear to be to let you handle it. Ick.

DH struggles with this kind of thing. And when we first got together the WHINGING about it drove me mad. But here's the real important thing, he knew he had to do it. And he did create tools. And yes, sometimes that was annoying to me and this is where I had to adjust - eg calling the mortgage broker... he couldn't just go into a room and pick up a phone. He had to think about it, prepare himself, perhaps sit and faff around doing some research. Then plan a time to call the mortgage broker - "I'll do it tomorrow after lunch".

So he learnt to get on with it and I had to learn to accept that HIS way and MY way were different. We both compromised. What we didn't do is accept that his struggles just were, didn't require him to make any effort or that I had to take over as a result.

Having said that, I do remember an argument not THAT long ago where we had the issue of complicated childcare/school arrangements and I was trying to talk to him about it and he said something like, "I can't think about this now, it's too much" and I snapped, "well I don't have that option because this has to be dealt with NOW because otherwise DD isn't going to get anyone turning up at her school play tomorrow so I guess I'll just deal with it all by myself. Again!" or similar. And I think that was a big wake up for him - he was genuinely making adjustments and trying and I was genuinely making adjustments and trying to be understanding but sometimes, it all just kept landing back on me and I was tired of it.

embarrassingly, he tried to talk to me about a childcare arrangement about 2 hours ago and I told him I couldn't deal with it

is he a Cancer sun sign?

Where do you get a diagnosis for that? Is there a waiting list?

Don't laugh

Ha ha ha ha ha!

This is some really useful insight so thank you. I have considered whether he is slightly ND as I have other diagnosed friends and colleagues and see some similar core behaviors however I am in absolutely no position to start diagnosing him with anything..

He really isn't useless and this is a small part of our relationship but I think it takes up extra space in my life as I anticipate his reaction to things a lot. I can relate with @JadziaD on quite a few points there.

It's hard because I also agree he needs a toolbox to cope, but also I don't want him to feel like I'm just saying he needs to deal with it himself and invalidate his feelings/make him feel unsupported.

@something2say I appreciate your input; full disclosure - it isn't something I'd easily be able to get on board with personally (I haven't actually heard of the terms you're using) but it clearly resonates with you so thank you for the alternative insight!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My DH gets extremely stressed about everything, and he cannot compartmentalise. His never ending work stress spills out into every part of our lives. I have become a bit numb to it all as it's just the same old stuff on repeat, and it wouldn't make a jot of difference if he found a new job. Being stressed and overreacting is just his personality.

I am also a solution finder, as opposed to a "Aww, that sounds awful, you poor thing" type of person. DH was getting super worked up over some travel-related bureaucracy the other day. Ranting away about it. I started looking into it and offered some practical steps he could take to sort it. It just resulted in more ranting, until later in the evening when he acknowledged that I was trying to help and that he had overreacted.
He's the same if anything needs to be sorted with the house. If anything breaks, he carries on as if the apocalypse is coming, and thinks I'm not listening or don't care when I just calmly present solutions and appear not to be particularly concerned by it. I just think we'll fix whatever is broken, whereas he is completely affronted that we have another thing to fix.
Same with illness. If he says he feels ill, I have learned that he just wants a bit of sympathy and understanding. But instead I ask if he's taken any paracetamol (for example) and then carry on about my day. Because I honestly don't know what else to do. I didn't make him ill, and I cannot cure his illness. I am only good when there is something practical I can actually do to help. Then I'm all over it. But if sympathy, or someone to rant away with is needed, I am useless.
Even though it sounds mad, we do work quite well together and we gradually learned what makes the other one tick. Imagine if we were both stressy, it would be chaos!

@Bringbackspring this is literally my life.

As you say, we do both bring unique attributes also. I'm 100 miles an hour all the time and an absolute clean freak for example, and as a result he knows that him doing cleaning unprovoked makes me happy, so he does, all the time. When he isn't stressed he's very steady, and super thoughtful.

Emotionally I struggle on an obvious level, however I do always consider him; along the lines of acts of service, I'll buy him things that I know he'll like but wouldn't buy for himself, I always try to make great food which I know he'll love, and plan days out etc that might be more centered around him. I feel like I try really hard to facilitate a good relationship but I am possibly not capable of the delivery he needs?

He's allowed to be as he is. You are allowed to be how you are. The extent to which you are happy to/capable of bridging the gap so that you are both happy is the diagnosis of the health of your relationship.

Eye-rolling (even if internal) is contempt, which is a signal of the end of a relationship. It's not up to you to decide whether his responses are 'right'; your responsibility is you. Your happiness. Making sure you spend your time with people who don't make you roll your eyes. Take that responsibility, and stop wishing he was someone he's not.

You don't sound very compatible and surpressing your eye rolls will lead to the ick or resentment over time.. or you will change your behavior to walk on eggshells

Its not necessarily youve had a more straightforward life or whatever mines been complex but equally i would find those examples annoying ..and draining

I have friends like this and they are lovely .. but not a partner..

It’s tough isn’t it. I feel guilty that I don’t have the capacity to placate every mini crisis but the same is maybe true that I enable his lack of executive function by doing unnecessary things for him like the form filling with view to nipping things in the bud. He is such a lovely genuine person that I certainly want to try and find a compromise I can actively maintain though as his good points outstrip this 100/1 generally. I can be spiky and quick to loose patience but it’s not ick territory, I’ve been there before. Maybe he subconsciously values the relationship on some level because I am the strong one that deals with the ‘stuff’..

I feel guilty that I don’t have the capacity to placate every mini crisis

Why? Why do you feel it's your responsibility to placate? Where did you learn that? When you were growing up? Was there much conflict?

@Watchkeys absolutely nothing like that for me no, however his was a lot more turbulent so maybe that’s why I feel that I need to accommodate/fix etc?

It's not you and it's not him.

Yes, to an extent in relationships everyone has to compromise a bit. You accept your partner as they are, they accept you as you are, if there are points of difference you hopefully meet in the middle. All that's normal. But do that too much, and at some point you cross the line into trying to turn yourself or your partner into a different person. That way lies madness. That's just plain incompatibility.

Neither of you seem abnormal. I don't see any red flags from what you've written. But if he annoys you to the point you're starting internet threads about his worst traits, I don't see why you'd fight so hard to make it work. It's fine to be incompatible with someone, that's not his fault or your fault.