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Original poster

Jealous over my past

16 replies

Mummabear2jnj · 19/12/2023 09:01

Hi all. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without this community to help me out! I've been dating someone for 5 weeks...a really nice guy. He's been super lovely and we was getting on so well. But he started showing me some possible red flag signs and I've completely cut him off now...and I'm worrying if I've done the right thing. He gets extremely jealous about my past relationships and I find it really difficult as the majority of my stories include them. I've been through lots of experiences, some quite traumatic, that I've worked through, and am worried that if I can't share those parts of my life with him without upsetting him then ill never be able to speak freely. And that scares me, enough for me to completely end things now. Its only when he's been drinking, he pulls me up on anything I say that involves my past and says I should just speak about the present and the future...but its those experiences that have shaped me into the person I am right now. I don't think I'm being unreasonable and don't share details about intimacy or anything inappropriate..just if something comes up in conversation and I tell a story of something that happened and I even mention an ex...he spits his dummy out and gets moody with me. He doesn't like certain phrases I say, he gets jealous because I'm still friends with one of my exes, and I was prepared to cut them out of my life for him, which I don't feel I should need to if I want to just be myself. Anyway, like I say, its only been 5 weeks and it completely ruined our date on Saturday and I was in tears...so I've just thrown the towel in before it gets worse. I don't know if I should have tried to work through these issues with him though, I've just panicked and run. Please give me some advice, I feel like a right cow with it being Christmas and he's practically begged me to take him back saying he will change.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 19/12/2023 09:04

I've completely cut him off now...and I'm worrying if I've done the right thing.

Hmm....let's see...

He gets extremely jealous about my past relationships
Its only when he's been drinking,

Yes, YES you've done the right thing!

He's jealous and a nasty drunk!

Please don't second guess yourself here because you've bailed after "only" 5 weeks. You've just spared yourself so much heartache. Wish I'd had your sense when I was younger.

Forget him, move on, find better.

SpiceDad · 19/12/2023 09:06

It seems to me like you have made the right decision. This jealousy is only likely to get worse.

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2023 09:07

Yep you've absolutely made the right decision, block his number

readymealeater · 19/12/2023 09:09

he spits his dummy out and gets moody with me.
He doesn't like certain phrases
it completely ruined our date on Saturday and I was in tears..

This man is a Grade A arsehole!

.so I've just thrown the towel in before it gets worse.

And it will! Smart move on your part.

I don't know if I should have tried to work through these issues with him though

What the hell for? These issues are HIS and his alone. You're not his therapist. Why do you feel you owe this loser your time, effort, mental health, the loss of your friendships, etc? Why??

There are good guys out there, please do and find them. If you want to work on issues, please find a therapist and work on any issues you may have - like even contemplating this relationship and thinking about giving up your friends for him.

Sorry to sound so bossy and pushy. I wasted YEARS on one shitty relationship after another and I would give anything to go back now with the self-esteem and confidence I now have. I hate to see younger women getting into these situations. Makes me so angry.

The good news is your gut feelings ARE working. You've had your signal, you've recognised the red flags. Don't make the mistake of pushing that to one side. Your signals work, please act on them.

You are worth so, so much more than this.

WandaWonder · 19/12/2023 09:13

Op read it back thinking it's another poster, what would you say to them?

Kittensat36 · 19/12/2023 09:14

Nope, towel chucking was absolutely the right response here. I'd have fired it from a cannon.

No-one can change their past. He cannot ask you to edit your past to suit him. You are who you are because of life experience whether he likes that or not. That includes how you deal with relationships.

Iskpugkk · 19/12/2023 09:16

Run and see it as a lucky escape. He won’t change and there will be much more to come than this. Block him, and don’t feel bad, how dare he make you cry

Ukholidaysaregreat · 19/12/2023 09:20

He is an arsehole. This is a massive red flag for controlling behaviour. Well done for ending it. Block him and don't let him worm his way back.

autienotnaughty · 19/12/2023 09:49

Well done you. This is him when he's trying to impress you. Imagine him when he gets comfortable?!!

You just saved yourself a whole lot of grief and misery.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 10:05

@Mummabear2jnj

I feel like a right cow with it being Christmas and he's practically begged me to take him back saying he will change.

  1. You're not a cow,
  2. Christmas, Halloween, Easter, May Day, Leap Year Day, so what?
  3. He won't change.

You've done the right thing. Don't weaken or doubt yourself. I was struck that he is annoyed by 'certain phrases'... he's a complete DICK and a BULLY.

You sound like a nice person who doesn't want to be seen as mean or cruel, and he saw that and tried to latch on. Like bullying men do.

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 10:11

Congratulations on spotting the issue and taking decisive action right up front.

To answer your questions - massive red flag. No you should not have tried to work through this with him (you work through things with someone you have committed to, had children with, married etc - not some random bloke who you have been dating for 5 weeks). Yes, it would have got worse. No, it's not unreasonable to have past experiences and to mention exes.

SilentNightDancer · 19/12/2023 10:17

You definitely did the right thing!!!!

Marineboy67 · 19/12/2023 10:24

You've definitely dodged a bullet there! Men like this don't change however much they say they will. To a degree it's deep seated and inherent in them. Infact it's not really anything to do with your past experiences it's really just about his insecurities, however he'll make you feel guilty and shit about your past. He should be interested in your tomorrow's not your yesterday's!

TheGreatGherkin · 19/12/2023 11:05

You have definitely done the right thing by dumping him. Blokes who are hung up about a woman's "past" use it as an excuse to shame and control them. Forget about working through his issues, you are not a therapist as a PP has said. Just forget him.

Prelapsarianhag · 19/12/2023 11:41

Well done. He is a nasty little shit.

GreatGateauxsby · 19/12/2023 11:43

Don’t feel like a cow.
Yes, its a massive red flag.
You did 100% the correct thing.
Don't doubt yourself.
Have a great Christmas knowing this douchebag is out of your life 🎅🏼🎄🥂

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