I'm at a complete loss

[casualreader2022]

We've argued and he's said some really horrible stuff. He's not sexually attracted to me, he wants a divorce, get out of "my" house (it's our house, I have a good career). We have a one year old and I suffered an unexpected and immediate bereavement (which has definitely left me with trauma I'm getting counseling for in the new year) which happened when my baby were very young so I've had to manage being a new mum and mourning at the same time. It's been a really rough year. I've been at a loss with myself over this and have asked for their support (perhaps more than I should have?) and they said they feel suffocated and that we have no fun.

We've since spoken and he's apologised. He definitely doesn't want a divorce, he loves me and wants to work at this. Our sexual intimacy has suffered due to hyperemesis, bereavement and a new baby and his emotional distancing (he himself said he'd been pushing me away) but I just can't shake it. He himself said he was cruel and that he reverted back to what he was like as a rebellious teenager (we were both difficult teenagers) and he's ashamed he's treated me like that.

But how do you just pick up and move on when such horrible stuff has been said to you? You can't just forget it... I can't not read into what he's said, especially as there's truth in it with his experience.

I'm looking into relationship counseling in the new year for us. But is this just a slow decline? Do marriages recover from this? Have we just had it harder than most with this newborn transition and need to find a way back to each other? There's definitely love, affection and trust there... But since his comments, although made in anger, I just can't shake it.

It sounds like you both need individual therapy, but his problems sound more ingrained. He seems to have immaturity and some core beliefs about intimacy adulthood etc and I'd not be surprised if his parents are the shut down, distancing, critical types. I'd recommend therapy just for him as well as both of you but many men are resistant.

Growing up is hard, especially with no good role modelling.

You'll need to address these comments and how they made you feel, not "you're bad for saying that". You have some work ahead between yourselves so give it the next few months before you give up.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you've had a terrible time.

In my opinion, there's no real coming back from the cruelty and emotional abandonment by your partner when you've needed him most.

But you say he's apologised and admitted to his behaviour. Has he said what he's going to do to ensure it never happens again? Has he taken steps to be more supportive towards you, to improve communication, and suggest ways he can be more mature and committed to you and DC? If so, then maybe with time and patience on your part, and hard work and commitment on his, you will be able to get through this.

If he's trying to make things better, I would give him a chance to do so. But if all he's done is give an apology and justify his behaviour by talking about his own feelings, I think that would be the end for me.