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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating?

21 replies

PolarTree · 19/12/2023 08:37

I've been with my partner for three years, pretty serious, met parents etc. We both have kids from previous relationships and don't live together.

On his laptop I've seen he's been chatting to another woman (ex who I'd never heard of, but doesn't sound a long relationship). In their chat, over the course of a few weeks, he's several times suggested they meet up, asked if she's single and when she asked him, he has said he is single.

When she asked him about stuff he's doing, ie his weekend when he was with me, he said he was alone/with a friend.

Although they haven't met, the fact he's claiming to be single and erased me from his life shows he's trying to line up cheating??

Fwiw our relationship has been a bit rocky lately, we've both been worried about potentially breaking up, but that doesn't justify his behaviour??

What next, do I ditch him and tell her? He will say he was worried I was going to dump him anyway.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 19/12/2023 08:45

Of course you ditch him. What does it matter what he says? You don't want to be with him anyway.

ginasevern · 19/12/2023 09:05

Well, the answer to your question is in your post really. Your relationship is rocky, you've discussed breaking up, he's chatting up another woman and claiming to be single. Yes, he's cheating and totally disrespecting you. It's time to move on unless you want a messy, humiliating situation on your hands. Dump him before he dumps you. Personally I wouldn't tell the other woman. What's the point, other than revenge (which I do understand) but it's not her fault and the whole thing could blow up in your face.

Bernieee · 19/12/2023 09:10

He’s preparing to cheat. Don’t let him brush it off and gaslight you. Given the chance he would cheat on you, you’ve seen his intentions in black and white.

Leave and don’t give him another chance

Olika · 19/12/2023 09:34

Leave him asap. This man is chatting with another woman and claiming to be single! He isn't committed to your relationship, he isn't loyal and honest. He isn't sure about you so you shouldn't waste your time with a person like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2023 09:35

he's several times suggested they meet up, asked if she's single and when she asked him, he has said he is single.

NEXT.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 09:37

Text him just after midnight on 25th with a big fat dumping message... And toast you had a lucky escape.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/12/2023 09:38

Bloody hell, get rid! Lying cheating rat! Here’s to a new and exciting 2024!

Epidote · 19/12/2023 09:48

He is making all the effort for you to end the things with him.
He is preparing everything for you to look the baddy and him a victim.
Don't allow it.

Original poster
PolarTree · 19/12/2023 10:35

Thanks. @Epidote I agree, but how could I avoid him not making me look the baddy? If/when he gives me the nonsense about how he's messed up etc, just tell him it was his choice?

OP posts:
Epidote · 19/12/2023 11:15

@PolarTree
It is tricky because he is going to try to make him to look the poor guy but victimising can be fight with assertivity.

Olika · 19/12/2023 11:34

Does it really matter that he is making you look bad? He chose to be uncommitted and disloyal so you breaking up with him
Is consequences of his actions. You know this so nothing he says/feels about this break up is your concern.

Hottenan · 19/12/2023 11:37

Why does it matter? Who are you going to look bad to? You don’t live together.

he is lining up this woman and you can’t accept that so dump him.

SamW98 · 19/12/2023 11:40

He’s already checked out and lining up the replacement. Who cares if you look like the bad guy, dump his sorry cheating arse and move on.

Every day you put off kicking him to the kerb is a day wasted.

mummymeister · 19/12/2023 11:40

PolarTree · 19/12/2023 10:35

Thanks. @Epidote I agree, but how could I avoid him not making me look the baddy? If/when he gives me the nonsense about how he's messed up etc, just tell him it was his choice?

Who would you be looking the baddy to though? People whose opinions you actually care about and once you had explained the situation to them would side with you anyway? Or people you dont give a shit about like him, his new girlfriend, his family?

Come on hes shown you what he is like. the minute the going gets tough between you he is off looking for someone else. do you want to carry on like this for the rest of your relationship. dont take any notice of his bullshit that you drove him to it. you didnt. he is a grown man making his own life choices.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 19/12/2023 11:40

In your situation I would tell him calmly and clearly what I knew and say I was ending the relationship. If he tried to make me out to be the bad guy I would honestly…..laugh, long and bloody hard. He’s been trying to set up a meeting with someone, denying his relationship status and YOU’RE the one in the wrong? Yeah, that’s not how it works. He lied and you ended the relationship. End of. He’s a prat, move on.

Dinoswearunderpants · 19/12/2023 11:43

Ditch him. You clearly mean nothing to him and after three years, that's awful. You deserve better.

Who gives a damn about you looking like the baddy either. I'd give him zero reasons just say it's not working for you, bye.

Illpickthatup · 19/12/2023 11:59

PolarTree · 19/12/2023 10:35

Thanks. @Epidote I agree, but how could I avoid him not making me look the baddy? If/when he gives me the nonsense about how he's messed up etc, just tell him it was his choice?

Cheating doesn't just mean sex or physical actions. He's clearly checked out of the relationship and probably has everything intention of cheating physically. You deserve better.

Don't worry about looking like the baddy. You should be more concerned with getting away from someone who's clearly already checked out of your relationship and has no respect for you.

Did you screenshot the messages? If you really need to you then have proof that he was messaging another woman. I don't think anyone would judge you for ending it. Not that it matters. You don't need a reason to end a relationship that isn't making you happy.

Focus on yourself and your own happiness rather than worrying what other people think.

Original poster
PolarTree · 19/12/2023 13:37

Yeah I have copies of the messages in case he deletes. I agree, when the going got tough he cheated rather than solve issues he created.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 13:42

If I was you I would just tell him the relationship is over, and if he asks why, you can tell him you assumed that because he’s been telling people he’s currently single you have assumed he wants to be single :)

flexigirl · 19/12/2023 15:50

Your relationship is OVER. It means nothing to him you mean nothing to him and you've read it first hand for yourself . He's actively looking for someone else . Just end it . You can't possible come across as the baddy in all this . Have some self worth, you dont deserve to be treated like shit OP Flowers

Opentooffers · 19/12/2023 15:58

At best he's already got one foot out the door. Looking like the baddy is BS. You will look like a woman who backs herself and doesn't take crap.
Anyone asks, you fond him arranging meets with another woman and lying about being single - totally understandable reason for dumping.

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