Husband has cheated

[Redchocomallow]

I'm a Mum of a almost 3 yo, I'm close to my reaching my 40s.
I found out fairly recently that my husband of 11 years, had sex with another woman from one of those websites designed for just one thing.
He had told me that he had visited another town to get his phone fixed which was genuine but whilst waiting, he decided to meet up with this woman at their house and have sex.
He then had the audacity to say because the guilt was too much to handle, he considered ending his life.
I have asked him why did he do it as it is so out of character, I got the I'm not mentally straight followed then by I had an urge for lust (his exact words).
Whilst, I admit, intimacy is not on my list of priorities as I work full-time, look after a toddler, cook, clean and have multiple immune system disorders, we have been intimate over couple of months, so I'm puzzled. Maybe once a week isn't enough for his urge for lust #sarcasm.
Whilst, it has hurt me and completely knocked down my confidence, I have seen him because despite everything he is a Dad, and deserves to see his daughter.
I keep going around in circles, I keep getting the image of him having sex with someone else. My stress levels are as you can imagine stressed, my stress can have implications on my immune system disorders, and it is so hard to just put on a brave face.

Hello, so sorry you find yourself here at this hour sharing such awful news! His actions are completely premeditated and now he has the guilt to carry - hence confessing to you what he's done. Sadly not just a blip! Don't think it's the first time? It's usually not, more so what's the plan now? Infidelity however the circumstances is so bloody wrong, I speak from experience sadly. It eats away at you and can't be taken back.

make sure you get tested for std's and wear condoms in case he picked up herpes (your immune system doesn't need that).
personally i would suggest both seeing a lawyer and being explicit about what the division of assets means for both of you (should you choose to stay with him or he choose to "get his phone fixed again").

He can be a dad to his daughter without being in a relationship with you, did he use this to guilt you? Don't let him.
If you can't forgive him or trust him again that's on him, he chose to sleep with someone else.
It obviously wasn't a spur of the moment thing either, he didn't get bored waiting for his phone to be repaired and start looking for someone nearby. He planned to get his phone fixed in another town as a cover, because he had already planned to meet her.

If he's 'not mentally straight' he should be visiting the GP, not another woman's knickers.

Him saying he's suicidal is nonsense. It's a manipulative tactic to make you feel sorry for him and stick around. Next time he says he's suicidal though call his bluff and dial 999. He'll soon pack that in. Trust me.

He can be a father without being in a relationship.

Remind him that if he picked up more slack at home and helped out with baby and household tasks you wouldn't be as tired.

Get rid of him.

Get a sexual health check asap. He's a liar, a cheat and has compromised your health.

I am just so confused. I am tired and I have no clue on what to do anymore other than focus on my daughter.
I feel ugly and unattractive, I feel shit.
I am constantly anxious now.
I feel like I will crash and burn.

How have things been over Christmas? It's a massive burden to take on! It eats away at your self confidence and plays with your mental health. Is he still remorseful of his actions? Have you had time to sit and talk or is he hoping it's all brushed under the carpet!

Sweetheart, you’re not getting the support you need on here.

Please go to Surviving Infidelity and read there just found out forums. They also have a library of resources for newly betrayed. Post if you feel you can to get ongoing support. The posters and moderators there are second to none.

Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ whether you decide to stay or go this is an excellent funny read which will help you realise just how pathetic it is and how little his cheating has to do with you. It’ll help you regain your power and sense of self esteem.

Don’t underestimate what he has done. You have endured a trauma and the anxiety goes hand in hand with that. You need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on healing yourself, so you can make an informed decision when YOU are ready.

And don’t believe this suicidal claptrap for one minute, it’s a manipulation strategy as he’s been caught and is playing damage control. Also we rarely find out the whole truth, usually it’s the tip of a much larger iceberg. He is still very much in cheater mode as his excuses are just that excuses. He has a huge void that he chose to fill using this woman and he needs to seriously work on what the hell is wrong with him.

But please right now, knowledge is power. Take a look at the resources and then heal yourself first!

poor you.

my advice is to do nothing but be kind to yourself.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

You deserve better

The suicide threat is to keep you on side- it is pure manipulation.

He absolutely didn’t ‘ just decide’ to do this awful thing.

It isn’t your fault!! You didn’t cause it, nor did you contribute. This is completely his decision, and you don’t deserve it.