Hi mums.
I'm about to embark on a 10 day cruise with my husband and two young kids, and I am absolutely dreading it.
We've been together 13 years and throughout the relationship he has broken my trust repeatedly. I'm almost certain he cheated when I was pregnant with our first, did black market bodybuilding drugs he bought off a random on FB when we were trying to conceive our second baby, who ended up with a major genetic abnormality and I had to end the pregnancy at 20 weeks. It was the most awful thing I've ever had to do and it still upsets me, and he genuinely
believes the drugs had nothing to do with it. I've caught him out lying or being deceitful constantly.
On top of all of this, hygiene has always been a problem with him and I've spent most of our relationship physically avoiding him because he regularly smells. Not of BO, but just not good, or clean. I've had to teach him the importance of showering daily, using soap, brushing his teeth, doing his hair, checking his clothes and face are clean before he leaves the house.
I stuck by him through all of this because I had an abusive childhood surrounded by some truly evil adults and through lots of therapy and couples counselling I've realised I tolerated it all because it was still better than the abuse I lived through growing up. I've cut my entire family off as they were awful, mean hearted backstabbing narcissists, frauds and abusers (to myself and other family). I literally have no one else. I feel so alone in this massive world.
When I met my husband at 23 I had a great job, new car paid off, a house, I had my sh!t together, but I was so drained. Being so independent I wanted someone to share the load and I just wanted love. My husband had a house as well, so we were financially equal, instead of every other guy I dated who had literally nothing and expected me to financially bolster them up and/or support them. I just never managed to meet a nice guy I was really into who has his head screwed on and I got tired and settled.
Now I've had so much therapy I've realised why I settled and it's impossible to unsee it and be happy with my choices.
I have constant anxiety whenever I'm around him, he's always snapping at our kids for random things and they're now being snappy and overreactive which makes me feel more resentful. I never feel at ease when he is home, and my kids are literally the only thing that makes me feel like living at all.
Our wedding day was awful, his proposal made me feel like I wasn't worth any effort, he has literally never planned a single nice thing for me so I don't even have any nice memories to fall back on when I feel down.
When our kids were born he posted photos of them with no mention of me, what I went through, how I was doing, nothing. I was just a uterus.
He used to be a great dad and he's great with cooking, but over the last few years he's just grown mean and impatient with our kids so I don't even love him for that anymore.
Thank you if you've gotten this far. I guess I'm just needing some sort of encouragement or advice for the next two weeks while I'm trapped on a ship with someone I don't even like anymore.
Where do I even go from here? The housing market is insane so I know I will be broke if I leave, I have nowhere to even go if I wanted to. Our kids are spoiled rotten because my husband is on good money and I have a business that is starting to do well but hasn't been going long enough to take on a mortgage, so my kids are going to go from feeling like A list celebrities to practically living in poverty, all because of me.
I feel trapped and helpless but I cannot fake being happy anymore, I am absolutely miserable.