Seriously losing patience with my sister

[Sunnysideright]

I know that this will make me sound like a cow, but I just need to get it off my chest now before I explode. My sister is driving me nuts, and I feel bad saying because she is not a bad person. She is however 100% deluded when it comes to her husband and at this stage I am tempted to go nc.
They went through a very stressful time because he had a lot of legal trouble, which only ceased recently. I don't want to go into detail but the allegations were serious, and sadly I never had any doubt that he was guilty. Even if he was it still meant that he had cheated on my sister. Besides all of this she is adamant that he was innocently accused and will bring the topic up at any given opportunity. It has reached the point where I am dreading seeing her because I don't want to hear it any more, especially because I don't think he was as innocent as she insists he is. I know that she is likely trying to convince herself this way, but my patience has run out now.

I have told her that I don't want to discuss it any more as the situation is done and dusted, but she will bring it up again next time. I have only met her husband twice since the situation got resolved and he clearly does not want the topic to be brought up again and again either, so this is definitely coming from my sister. I have suggested counselling so she can talk things through, but she doesn't want to. Is there something I am missing here which I can try to get this topic dropped? I feel bad "abandoning" her but I just don't want to be used as a means to convince herself. Thanks

It sounds like as well as trying to convince herself that he was innocent she's trying to get some acknowledgement from you that you agree he is not guilty, she probably totally knows that you don't believe he's innocent (and it's easy to guess what he was accused of from your OP).

Maybe you need a few routine responses to shut down the conversation every time, and repeat them like a stuck record.

But honestly I'd seriously be having a good think about how much contact I'd want with someone that doesn't just stand by someone accused of what he is accused of, but is vocally and enthusiastically raising the subject and supporting him at any given opportunity.

Denial is very strong defence mechanism and there is a massive tendency where on some level internally a person is fighting the delusion to try to get others to agree with your delusion. I have watched my family do it around abuse from a brother. It is exhausting and it can be psychologically damaging having to deal with their delusion. Definitely protect yourself from the behaviour if it starts affecting you.

I would struggle with this too OP and I would not want to listen to her sermons either. I am wondering if she is vulnerable though because she seems so desperate to believe her version of events. I don't want to scaremonger but if he did this to someone who knows what happens behind closed doors.

I am not engaging at all and just try to change the topic but she brings it back on whenever she can. But I have never told her what I really think because I didn’t want to fuel her. I know I’m being super critical but I also feel sorry for her because she clearly isn’t alright.

This has happened in our family, a family member not believing another family member had committed abuse. Was made worse because abuse was with another family member. We all went NC as a result as his opinion never changed and had no sympathy for abused. Sorry you are in this awful situation.

Perhaps you need to just say next time "I really have no intention of getting into this conversation again with you, you have your opinion and I have mine and neither is going to be changed by discussion".

I'm not sure that I could honestly have a lot of respect for her though...

Hello OP, if I were in your place, next time she starts talking I would raise my hand to make a stop sign and say, "please stop". I would then proceed to say: "I am sorry for what is happening to you and I understand it may be difficult to deal with it either way. I see that you believe that your husband is innocent, but to be quite honest with you, I do not. Now, I do not wish to try to change your mind but please do not raise this topic of conversation any more or I will be forced to leave the room."

If she continues, tell her calmly but firmly, that until she stops talking about this you will not be seeing her.

Thank you. At least I know that I am not being a bitch. I thought I had been obvious about enough but clearly not. I’ll tell her that I absolutely don’t want to hear about it again or discuss it. No idea what’s wrong with her

I was in denial about something (trivial) once and a friend said "Who are you trying to convince, me or you."

It snapped me right out of it.

I have tried to avoid it because I didn’t want to agitate her. I have had an unsettling encounter with her DH myself which is why I am 100% convinced that he is a creep but I never even told her because I knew she’d kick off and not believe me. And that was years ago so she has obviously not changed or gotten worse. It’s just sad because she isn’t a bad person at all