Husband is rude to me but knows I won't break up over these things

[wipsm]

Our relationship is mostly very good. He does a lot around the house, works full time whilst I'm a SAHM (I have family money and quite large savings so won't financially struggle in the event of a break up, so that's not relevant, but also not planning to break up). He cares about me, genuinely makes an effort to get on with my extended family, always ensures I'm comfortable with plans etc. In short, he's a considerate guy.

But during arguments he turns into a child. Like earlier we argued about how long I spent in a shop and he impersonated me. Or other times in arguments he will say things he absolutely doesn't mean (like "i hate coming home to you every day"). He knows I won't leave him for this because it's rare and we do love each other, most of the time things are great. But it really hurts and annoyed me. His comment on it is always "sorry I'm just childish in arguments"

As he knows you won't leave then nothing will change

So what would you suggest... to leave?

Well you could give him an ultimatum and tell him that you prefer to communicate properly and like adults when you have discussions.

If he reverts back to man baby mode and mocking the next time you argue then you should leave.

Mocking is emotional abuse. It's manipulative and degrading.

Ok so it sounds like he has good insight there in realising that he acts from his inner child in an argument.

It’s fascinating what happens when we’re pushed, when we feel our boundaries have been crossed. Get curious about it, ask him what he needs in those moments. Get curious about what part of you gets activated in those moments too and what it needs. This is the sort of thing that a good couples counsellor could help you both to do. Have a watch of Couples Therapy on the iPlayer if it’s still on there.

We’re all playing out our childhoods in our current relationships, so if you love each other and want the relationship to move forward, just getting curious about what’s going on for you both in those moments is a really good start.

But what do I actually ask him? "How do you feel in arguments?"

I've asked him similar and he just says "I get angry and want to take it out on you because you've hurt me / you've annoyed me / you've done XYZ"

You need counselling in conflict resolution.

(Edited to say, this is in response to OP’s reply to me) A therapist can do this much better than you on your own can do it, because they make it about both of you, which is what this should be about.

But yeah, those are the convos as you’ve just said it. Continue along that line. He would also have to want to do the same for you too though, like ‘and how did it feel for you when I attacked you like that? ‘Yeah see for me that just made me feel the distance between us and I felt like you didn’t love me anymore so that’s why I clammed up and stopped taking’ ‘ah ok I see, so why did you clam up?’ ‘I don’t know, I just did’ ‘when was the first time you clammed up if you felt unloved?’ ‘Hmm, maybe when I was 6 and my mum had got drunk and I felt unsafe so I hid away’

I’m just busking ideas there and kind of went a bit off track but that’s what you could explore together either just the two of you, if you feel able to stay with what the other person is saying, or with a therapist.

You need a third party to improve communication between you. I never hear anything good about Relate but there must be decent providers out there that can help you navigate this issue.

@User1343 see that would be so useful I feel. But he'd just not want to go to a therapist, he'd absolutely refuse.

And then he acts like nothing happened? Like just now I came out after doing some personal admin in the room (and posting this). He knows we're in an argument, I'm noticeably quiet and he just acts like nothing happened? After he mocked me, I teared up and left the room. "What did you put in the wash?" Is now the first thing he says to me, trying to make conversation

Yeah it’s not an easy one is it? Just know that he loves you and he wants to be with you. When he is threatened, he attacks. Or when he feels his boundaries have been crossed, he lashes out like an angry (defenceless? Powerless?) child. I’m not excusing his behaviour, it’s shitty, but it’s a (defence?) mechanism he learnt years ago and it worked for him when he needed it but now he’s stuck in that pattern. As we all are until we bring our awareness to it.

Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself right now, this evening, is to ask yourself the sorts of questions you would ask yourself if you were a therapist (not easy, I know). The first step I would take for that would be to sit quietly and breathe into my body, close my eyes and just be with myself. Notice what comes up. A tension in your neck? A tightness in your throat? Just what comes up for you. Be with it. Hold it. In fact, literally give yourself a hug if that feels good. You could see what happens if you ask that body part you noticed what it would say if it could speak.

Im not sure that you’re going to get much out of your partner this evening because he sounds avoidant right now. But you can use these moments, these arguments, for a greater self-awareness if nothing else. Consider going to a therapist yourself.

I’m also hearing you felt upset and you left the room. What do you really need right now?

Yep I'd suggest leaving even if for a few days,.getting therapy, making it clear that you won't tolerate any more disrespectful behaviour

Your relationship isn't that great if he won't hear you on things that bother you. "I'm just childish in arguments" = this is how I am, not going to change.
Absolute refusal to consider counselling = I don't really care that these issues bother you.

Why does he get the veto and to dismiss your concerns?