Worried about meeting boyfriends child

[ThreeM]

I've been in a relationship for 14 months now, I have 2 teenagers, and my boyfriend has a 9 year old. He met my kids around 6 months ago, we waited until they asked to meet him because I didn't want to force them or them to feel like we were trying to make them meet before they were ready, him or them.

I haven't met his child yet, because he wanted to wait as his separation was relatively recent (only a few months prior) when we started seeing each other. I respect his decision and have never wanted to force the issue. I see the relationship as long term/serious, so no rush. We worked together so have known each other in a work capacity for just over four years.

We've spoken at length about a future together and living together eventually, and he's mentioned telling his child about me after Christmas time. I'm just really really nervous incase the child doesn't like me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I know his ex-wife thinks I'm to blame for the breakdown of their marriage, but we genuinely were not together while they were together or living together or anything like that. I worry that she is going to try and manipulate their child against me and our relationship.

I have read so much online about waiting to meet kids (mine are older and I've always been open with them) and about waiting 6-12 months before making introductions, but I think the longer it goes on, the more worried I am his child isn't going to like me.

Any tips or reassurance welcome!

Well it's about the child, not you, so any waiting you'll just have to live with.
Why does the Ex think you are involved? Did you know them both? Had he moved out?
I know it's hard but his child is only nine. Waiting a long time in a LTR shouldn't be seen as a problem. If anything, his child will have more time to be ready.

And perhaps you could get to know his ex a bit better as you will be spending time with her child?

Don't worry. I was super nervous and literally had a panic attack an hour before going out to meet them for this reason. But everything was absolutely fine. Just don't force it. Be warm and gentle and ask a few questions (school, friends hobbies), but mostly listen and let him and her take the lead on the first meeting. In time as you get to know her better, let her come to you at her own pace. Respect their space with their dad and accept you will be the outsider at first. If you take a backseat for the time being and slowly give the child space to get to know you, it is unlikely they will see you as a threat, and will accept you as daddy's new partner who is also kind to them. That was my experience. Hope this helps.

I don't have a problem with waiting as such, I just start thinking what if when his child is older they realise we were together way longer than they thought and that he's lied to them? I guess if I take the "its about the child not you" approach thats his problem not mine, which I kind of don't like because it doesn't feel like much of a team or facing problems together. Plus there's a whole other "him" that I don't know yet, the Dad version of him.

His ex thought I was involved because we knew each other through work before we got together, I suppose I would be suspicious as well in her shoes. I didn't know her, hadn't met her at any work functions or anything because he was always alone at these things. But yes, he had moved out before we were seeing each other.

Thank you - yes I don't want the child to feel like I am going to be with them all the time and that they'll never have time just the two of them again, I appreciate that he'll want some father/child time alone with just the two of them.

He's just been so good with my kids, I worry that I won't be able to do the same in return. Its a minefield!

Do you mind me asking how long you were together before you met the kids?

I think it's a bit alarming he hasn't even mentioned you to his child yet.

Do they know he's dating even?

It was around the 5 month mark I first met her so relatively soon.

Of course you will be able to give them the same in return. It's scary when you haven't met them yet of course as you can't really know what to expect so it's a great unknown, but once that hurdle of meeting her is out of the way it seemed to come natural to me and I'm sure you will know what to do too.

It might help that you already have raised kids and understand how they think. I myself didn't, but I think some of the best approaches are common sense. When she occasionally rejects you (or your food, suggestions, approaches) don't take it personal and remember she just a kid and stuff like that. Don't get upset if she claims space near daddy and pushes you to the side. Just accept it for the time being and she'll soon understand that you are not a competitor and that you are there for both of them and can be a point of support for her too. Even though these sort of things did happen at the start when she was trying to suss me out, she's now my biggest fan. I'm sure you'll be fine too.

I'd read all of the nightmare 'blended' family stories on here before you get any further involved. Personally, I would rather be single for ever than get involved with someone who has children.

No the child doesn't know because the mother was threatening to take the child away in the beginning, and he didn't want to rock the boat. They have a more stable agreement in place now in terms of custody.

Its interesting how opinions differ, you think its strange he hasn't mentioned he is in a relationship but the first reply was insinuating they thought 14 months wasn't long for the child to know about me.

Thats also interesting, I can't stand the thought of being alone or living alone. I want a big house full of people and pets and noise and life, and if that comes with challenges, so be it! I guess am just impatient to get there.

Funnily enough I quite enjoy being alone too, but I also feel the same way you do about the future dream, the more souls the merrier and all that.
There may be challenges and it might not work in every scenario but it all depends on the individuals involved I think. Just because it's a nightmare for some, doesn't mean it can't work and be great for others. My experience being with my partner who has a young daughter has been very positive so far and has really added a new positive dimension to my life.

I think it's strange to go from 0 - 60.

I think it's normal for single parents to date and be somewhat open about dating to their children. That then prepares the ground for "I've met someone special I'd like you to meet her" later on.

I think it gives a weird message for the first romantic interest the child's aware of even existing to be the person they're suddenly getting introduced to as a new partner.

In my opinion, 14 months is too long to be secretive about dating at all, and about dating a particular person. People's mileage does vary 😂

For me I think between 6 - 12 months you'd be getting the occasional mention at least 😀and between 9 - 15 months you'd have met in a casual, low key way.

Absolutely, we both know what the end goal is and our families are super supportive so that helps too.

Did I ever think I'd find myself in a potential step-mum situation? Probably not if I'm honest, but here we are! My own first marriage was a disaster and this relationship is completely different because we don't want to repeat past mistakes.

If all our kids have 2 households they can come and go between happily, I can't ask for more.

I'm maybe old school but I don't understand "dating" 🙈 I'm in the UK, in my 40s and find the whole dating thing quite Americanised, your either in a relationship or your not in my head. But that could just be me!

Appreciate you taking the time to reply, its so interesting to hear other peoples experiences and perspectives.

Well, I just mean level of seriousness. Not every relationship turns into something serious and into something where you introduce the kids, does it?

No thats true, I get that. I think we both feel like it is serious and probably part of his reason for waiting was to make sure he was sure if that makes sense?

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