Open marriages

[WishItWasDifferent25]

I am wondering if there is anyone out there who is making an open marriage work…? We are a few months in and it seems to be working, more or less. I’m interested to hear other people’s experiences though. As things stand I see someone who has a similar arrangement with his wife. My husband tends to see single women (I think that’s risky but that’s on him). I feel a bit icky about seeing a man who has a wife, though that feels like something that’s on him, not me. Has anyone else been there?

By way of context we decided upon this as an alternative to pure monogamy and without the deceit of an affair - though we had both been there before. I think we both agree that we each need more than one person can provide so find ourselves here…..

Can I ask what led to this?

You mean what lead to the open marriage or what lead to my post?

My husband tends to see single women (I think that’s risky but that’s on him). I feel a bit icky about seeing a man who has a wife, though that feels like something that’s on him, not me. Has anyone else been there?

This bit doesn't make any sense. So he is seeing single women, which you feel is risky ( Because they may want more?) But you don't want to see someone with a wife (So also single I presume) because that makes you feel icky. So you see single men but don't think they will want more? Or is the open marriage him shagging around while you contemplate it? I'm not judging ( my good friend was in an open relationship for may years, where she was the one with two and sometimes more regular partners but her husband was monogamous) I just want to get it straight.

I see someone regularly who has the same deal with his wife. So he’s not single, but isn’t cheating as she is well aware. I don’t really want to be the other woman. My husband sees single women which I think is risky because they might want more.

To me they always seem a way of hanging on to shite. Really. No matter how hard each party tries to convince its what they want,'I don't believe it. If you are that interested in being able to fuck who you want, when you want, marriage isn't for you. I juts hope no children are involved.

I meant what led to the open marriage concept?

We got here because we are financially entwined and don’t want to split up. We have two primary age kids and have a good parenting relationship. We don’t hate each other. We get on fine. We just want to explore other options. For me it’s an opportunity to not be wife, employee, mum. I just get to be me when I’m with the person I see.

Oh yes that makes sense then. Yes, I would assume that all participants and partners would have to know.

I agree with PP. I think it is extremely difficult to maintain long term, especially with so many variables and so many partners there is always a risk that one person is going to fall too deeply (married or not there is always the risk that one person is ging to want more. Agreement of a wife/husband is not a guarantee), but well, its nobody's business. I couldn't think of anything worse than trying to maintain two relationships. What about time on your own? When do you have the time to just sit and read a book or do a pottery class or something?

It sounds like the marriage has become a bit of a business partnership and you're not emotionally involved anymore?

I've only experienced through the prism of a 'level' of swing with my partner so not something I experienced away from him.

I think i'd worry in your situation that he would just be gone one day - is there any way that you could make the extra-marital stuff a collective thing?

I know plenty of people making it work. Most of my close friends are non-monogamous. Some are married, some have nesting partners, some are solo-poly.

Open and honest communication is key. Owning your emotions around jealousy. Strong boundaries. Reading, research, being up for difficult conversations.

You’ve already opened up, but disentanglement is the most skipped step. Realising your spouse’s relationships are separate to you and you can’t impose rules on them (that’s where the boundaries come in.)

This is a useful article https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/the-other-skipped-step-in-opening-up

It can definitely work. Be careful who you talk to about it because you’ll get a lot of monogamous people giving their negative views because, “I couldn’t do it.”

Join some ENM communities, either in real life or online. And good luck :)

And if a relationship ends, including your marriage, that’s not necessarily a fault of non-monogamy. Plenty of monogamous relationships end.

That’s a really good and helpful article, thank you. I do think we are hitting this in a progressive way; he texted to say he is meeting someone for a drink and my clear instinctive response was how exciting, despite the fact I’m at home feeling rough with the kids!

As to the question about time; you make time for the things that are important. I have freedom to live as I please and that includes making time for my husband, kids, cats, yoga business, full time job, friends etc. I would say the thing that gives is friends. I normally only have one night out a week and, if that’s with a new partner, I won’t see friends that week.