How should I reply to DF?

[FraterculaArctica]

My relationship with DF (late 70s) is at a very low ebb following a row about Christmas several years ago, where he told us he'd never spend Christmas with us (me, DH, 3 young DC) because he wanted to be with DSmum and she always wanted to go her DD and DGS. (All live at long distance so no popping anywhere for part of a day). Massive row followed which resolved nothing.

We are not welcome at their house (Dsmum's house into which DF moved), they won't stay at our house, hear endlessly about how wonderful DStepgrandson is, DSmum sees us once a year around Christmas, and yet DF insists our DC call her "Granny X" and write her thank you letters for gifts. They barely remember who she is.

DF is classic passive conflict avoider, though he is clearly trying to be assertive since he married DSmum (i.e. by telling us that he is doing things as she wants!)

We had thought we were meeting up with them pre Christmas at DB and DSILs house. However it now turns out we are missing them by a matter of hours as they have to leave early on Saturday to drive long distance to DSmum's DD and family. So much for my DB and DSILs plans to have a big family lunch.

DF has now made contact to suggest options for meeting up. As it's now a week till Christmas we don't have any dates free before mid January. Either they can come to us, or we can meet half way. They can only come to us if local hotel has availability (since they won't stay with us). They won't invite us to theirs.

I'm tempted to stay stuff it, DH and I have had enough of all the snubs and pretence we are important to you, but this would end relationship. Can't decide whether to do this or maintain moral high ground as usual with a brief but cool meet up so that DF can see his DGC.

Any advice from those with similar difficult dynamics?

I would tell him you aren't available until x date, so if they would like to come then, that's fine. Stop jumping through emotional hoops for this twat.

Thank you. Yes we think that's what we will do. I just live in a state of permanent rage that DF can treat us so badly and care so little about relationships with his DC and DGC.

These may feel like big issues but in the grand scheme of things are quite trivial.

Park the ego aside and take the course of action that is conducive to resolution. Your DF is in the twilight years, once his light fades you'll digest how insignificant these matters are. Best to do that before then.

I couldn't be arsed with any of it and certainly wouldn't excuse it on age. What's the relationship like ordinarily?

Relationship pretty difficult in all respects. I don't feel I've ever had an honest conversation with DF. He avoids all conflict and sulks in the case of any criticism. Had a long but dreadful marriage to DM (fault on both sides) and now appears to have rewritten history.

There is no "resolution" as far as I can see. It's just years of more lies and pretence ahead.

There is no "resolution" as far as I can see. It's just years of more lies and pretence ahead.

You can opt out. It's hard but you can step back and not put yourself through it anymore.

I would not bother with either of them going forward. Your dad is a weak man and his sulking behaviour also is a form of emotional abuse. If he is too difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for the kids also. Why subject them anyway to him. let alone his wife?. Drop the rope that is being held out to you here.

Just tell him at this point you are busy until x date.

I've had similar with my brother. I now just tell him when we are free/what the plan is and if he attends then great and if he doesn't (which is most of the time) then it's his loss. He didn't like it at first as he's used to telling me what to do. It does mean we barely see him but I hated being manipulated and made to feel bad so this is much better.

I would simply say sorry we are now not free until such and such a date as we have made all our arrangements now. There is no need to make a big deal about it. If he chooses to take offence it isn't your problem - he shouldn't be so wet.
My DS who I love dearly just said to me today can DiL and I come round for xmas and I said no because I'm working right up until xmas day now, have nothing in and the house is a mess.
I just can't be rushing around trying to organise everything at the last minute like that. I told him to give me more notice next year.

He isn't going to change OP, so stop letting yourself be disappointed.

Tell him when you are free- if he accepts, great. If no, oh well, we are all busy.

There are people on here who have lovely parents who will tell you that you are being unreasonable. You aren't.

Exactly. I'm torn between the approach suggested by @AttilaTheMeerkat and that suggested by @Gettingbysomehow and others.

@FofB intellectually I know I should stop letting myself be disappointed. But I'm not sure how to do that in practice. And it keeps riling me - every time they come and say "well that was a lovely day" at the end, when DH and I have gritted our teeth to get through it.

My DStepMum is actually a very nice and emotionally intelligent person. She just didn't actually want to take on all the complications of our family in marrying DF, and he has completely rolled over and put her on a pedestal so she's always in the right.

It's difficult. What does he actually bring to your life? If you called him at 3am, in need, would he come, without pausing? My Dad would, in a heartbeat.

However, my Mum wouldn't- at all. She wouldn't raise a finger any time of the day or night; so I don't have anything to do with her. (Along with lots of other complex reasons.) But- here's my point. I don't think my life is missing anything because I don't see her because she added nothing.

Or you take the middle ground- and you offer what you are prepared to offer and protect yourself from being hurt again and again.

Would he come at 3 am? No, because a) he physically couldn't get to us and b) I wouldn't call anyway, because he is almost totally lacking in emotional empathy so would never be of any comfort or help in such a situation.

He is extremely generous, just emotionally devoid. And he adores his DGC (though his manner of interacting with them is grating). And if I stop bothering altogether, I would risk the disapproval of various other family members (e.g. one of his siblings, to whom I'm also quite close). I just wish I mattered a bit more.